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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Halloween After Party - OWC Moderators: SAC
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  Author    The Halloween After Party - OWC  (currently 1530 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Halloween After Party by Anonymous2 - Short, Horror, Holiday - A couple just ended cleaning up after an awesome Halloween party they hosted every year. Mike hears a scream. As they try to find who is screaming more strange things start happening. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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A little too much space on your title page causes a two page title page. Oh oh.

Right out of the gate we got some spacing issues, awkward narrative (instead of "all people have left" just focus on the couple) and formatting  - an action part of Veronica's dialog ("They both laugh") Not looking good here. Same thing goes for "Mike took a broom", all on the first page.

Spelling, grammar...odd cadence in the couple's dialog. By page four, (or page 3, given the extra page) I'm tapping out. This script should have at least been proofed a little by the writer. Was this done within a few hours of deadline?



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Anon
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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This script needs some serious editing as mentioned. Seems like it's either done in a rush or the writer just needs more practice. It's not a contender so far. Just too many basic errors that took me out of the story.

Read a bunch of scripts, blogs, books and get some more practice. The road can be long, but if you're up for it, fun too!
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Logline is absolutely terrible - filled with mistakes that no writer should literally ever make, even if this was done is 15 minutes.  Sadly, I know what's going to follow.

Ttile Page is absolutely terrible.  No reason for this.

Sorry, but there's just no way I'm going to be able to get through this.  Mistakes on pretty much every single line.  You're writing in different tenses, sentences aren't complete, punctuation is terrible.  Pretty much every rookie mistake is on full display here.

Hopefully, you read these scripts and see what works and what doesn't and then go back to yours and see if you understand what's so wrong here.  We all start somewhere, but you need to start at the very beginning and first of all learn how to write, then you can delve into this script writing craziness.

zero
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eldave1
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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There are many problems with the script. I am assuming it is written by someone new to the craft. I don't want to go into to much detail here as there are literally problems on every page. If you'd like some help with the specifics, PM me.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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Has this script been pulled? I can't open it.

If the writer is disillusioned because of comments, take heart...
And also PM Dave as he so generously offered. With his assistance you'll soon be thumbing your nose at the critics.

Okay, scratch that first bit - it might have been my tablet...
Will come back to this.

Aha! So, it was a prank?  A little bit drawn out and repetitive - an idea that would've done better with a shorter page count. You did evoke some good  Halloween atmosphere in places, but some work is in order to get it more up to scratch.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  October 13th, 2019, 4:21am
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Writer...

Kudos for finishing.  The general idea of a story is here but I'm going to deliberately withhold my review until later.  Until then, Reread Libby's post... I concur.  Take Dave up on his offer.

Don't let some of the previous notes discourage you at all, rather inspire to try again and work harder.  

Ghostie


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RolandJ
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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I get the concept of the story----the guests all pull a fast one. At least they think they do...until the very end.

The kind of writing mistakes I see here relate to poor command of the English language. Shifting between tenses is a major one. Massive spelling errors and formatting issues make it hard to get through.

Get some script-writing software, brush up on vocabulary and spelling.

A class in the basics of screenplay writing is an absolute must.
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Zack
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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Don't want to pile on, but this is not good. Multiple mistakes of every kind on the first page alone.

The dialog is so bad that it makes me think maybe English isn't your first language.

I did skim through until the end and it does seem like you attempted to tell a story. Like the concept of the guests playing a prank being the twist, only for there to be a real threat as well. And as far as I can tell, you met the criteria for the challenge. So kudos there.

Best advice is to read as many screenplays as you can. You're definitely at the write place. Keep at it and don't give up.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hello

Logline - wow that’s clunky

I can’t work out if this is on purpose or not, they can be hard to separate

The following made me chuckle

VERONICA (CONT'D) (CONT’D) - you can never have too many continued’s it seems

Followed by

Please stop screaming! It's too
loud!

If you are new, this is a god place to read, review and learn. If not new, less pages would have been handy  


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Under the pressure of the challenge, we all make stupid mistakes - you must be kicking yourself about the title page. Don't worry, we've all been there lol

Reading through I have come to the conclusion that English isn't your first language - Therefore I won't bother picking out all of the odd words and phrasings - (I can't really judge, because you write English better than I can write any other language)
If you are serious about screenwriting and you are going to do it in English, going forward it might be worth finding someone to proofread and correct it - it may hold you back.

Let's break the story down - after party clean up, scary stuff starts happening and freaks the couple out, discover it is only a prank from friends, but with a twist that the lady upstairs wasn't party of the prank...so something more sinister.

I quite like the story, but not the execution of it - The discussion of the prank goes on for too long and would come across as dull on screen.
More emphasis is needed on the lady upstairs not being part of the prank, that is your saving grace here (It all being a prank is akin to it was all a dream - but you save it with the lady, so play on that)
End it on something visual, a scare that we can come away with.
I.E after the final revelation, have paranormal stuff start up again (screams/lights) to get the scare factor back up - they are all downstairs, so now this is the real ghost.
I would also set up better - a normal couple in a normal house suddenly experiencing paranormal stuff -- why? Have the house be something interesting - a former/converted morgue, something to make us think "Uh oh, this isnt a good house"

Most of all, make the most of this place - get involved in reads and reviews, stick around and learn - it will be the best thing you can do for your writing

Best of luck to ya


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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SAC
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 8:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not much I can say that hasn't already been said. This needs a lot of work, however, the action sequences after the scream were at a quick pace, which is good. Your story execution is where you failed big time. We want to see something original, believable. This was neither. The writing chops will come the more you write, but we need a better story - one that hasn't been done before, and one that doesn't wrap up neatly with a bow on top.

Steve


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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The font looks "off." Is it 12 pt Courier? I'm thinking it might be a tad larger. It's almost like it's bold, but it's not bold. Could be 12 pt Courier New or another variant. If so, I apologize.

Title should be in ALL CAPS.

The page consisting of solely contact info is unnecessary. Very poor start.

FADE IN: goes on the left.

I'm giving you two pages to impress me, or I'm out. Because so far, you're on thin ice.


Quoted Text
All people have left,
only a couple who lives here are left.


Redundant. Not good.


Quoted Text
VERONICA(25), short
hair, gothic clothes[,] sit(s) at the table[,] exhausted.



Quoted Text
VERONICA
(exhales) )


What's with the double closing parenthesis?


Quoted Text
MIKE
It's not so bad. You got to admit,
the party was historical.

VERONICA
What can I say, I hosted it. They
both laugh.


Is Veronica a bad actor reading from the script or cue cards? Is she reading the stage directions?


Quoted Text
That scream! Haven't you heard
about it?


It appears that English is not your first language and you have a very poor grasp on grammar and punctuation.


Quoted Text
MIKE
(unsure) )
Was I imagining it? No. Mike took a
broom to clean it up when he hears
it again.


Huh? This line is terrible. A line this bad shouldn't even be in a B movie.

If the first page is this poor, I shudder to imagine the rest. I'm out. Sorry.


FADE IN:
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mmmarnie
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Language barrier, maybe? I hope anyway. But even without a barrier, there are some mistakes that make this difficult to read and shows lack of effort. For example...narrative in you dialog. That has nothing to do with a language barrier. That's just ... well, it's wrong.

VERONICA
What can I say, I hosted it. They
both laugh.

They both laugh is no dialog.

MIKE
(unsure) )
Was I imagining it? No. Mike took a
broom to clean it up when he hears
it again.

Again...action in the dialog.

Over the years I have helped several writers translate their stories to better English. There are people willing to help. But you must have your format down before anyone will take the time to do that. There are way too many careless format mistakes for you to get full reads.


boop
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Very clunky logline.

Two cover pages. I'm thinking new'ish writer here.

Page 1.   Historical?

Write, a SCREAM is heard, or similar, instead of Mike hears. We the audience should hear it too.

Mike took a broom to clean it up when he hears it again?? And, it's in the dialogue too.

Too many errors to mentions, so I'll quit that and just read for the story from now on.

Tough read, but that's okay. Only way to go from here is forward and up. If it means anything, when I first started writing, my English was almost unreadable.  


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