Here's a quick one I've done for Halloween coming up. Looking for feedback. Any ideas or mistakes would be appreciated. Thanks for looking

Excuse some spelling mistakes, I will change these.

Horror /Drama Logline:  A young girl finally builds up the courage to go on a ghost train with her older brother on Halloween.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/nq6u5frjmbghicz/0000%20%282%29.pdf?dl=0

Hey Liam,

I can see a good story here. But it's not coming out well on the pages. There are a lot of problems here.

Like, Georgie grabs candy floss out of Sally's bag. But, in the description, you never mentioned that she had a bag.

You can trim a lot of dialogues between them and make it sharper and smarter.

Also, the script ended very abruptly. Looks like you had no idea what to do after they get on the train. The cart jolts and comes to a sudden stop. Was that an accident? Or it was something supernatural? How did that white entity suddenly pop-up?

You can make Sally a believer of angels during the initial conversation. The brother makes fun of her. This does not fix your entire climax, but at least it lays a foundation for the appearance of that white entity.

This needs a lot of work.