Hatchet Pratchett by Matthew Sawyer - Short, Thriller, Crime, Comedy - Gary heads into Goldnerod Woods to hide his dark secret but unfortunately for him he bumps into Hatchet Pratchett and havoc ensues. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Wasn't too sure if this was meant to be serious or comedic at times, and I don't think you were either. Straddling that line is a difficult thing to do.

It reads like a first draft. The reason I say that is because you have the shell of a situation set up - a gang of killers meeting in the woods. But then many of the lines and beats are completely pedestrian, like they were the very first thing you thought of. Like when The All Seeing Dragon makes his big entrance, he does so by saying "Hello there."

Likewise, when the apprehension of the Dragon is achieved by him just tripping over a branch after a 2-second chase.

I'd bet my left arm that given the basic building blocks of scary woods, vicious gang and undercover cops, you could come up with a more exciting finale than the top bad guy tripping over a branch. (Has any cinematic effort in history been resolved by having the main villain conveniently trip over a branch?)

But hey, maybe I'm just too dense and this was meant to be comedic. I must admit I did laugh a few times - particularly times where you seemed to realize how ridiculous this was and played off it. But then that's also part of the problem... is the whole thing just a pisser?

I thought your scene descriptions were generally sound. Although I was jarred on the very first page by:  

"Gary finally begins to gain some confidence. Hatchet must have made him feel a bit more comfortable."

That line isn't necessary at all. The actors take care of that, and you already signaled it by having Hatchet say 'Don't worry, pal'. When Gary continues to talk to him, we get the idea.

I'd seriously cut that line of description. I almost closed the tab when I saw that, and I know many other writers would too.