Like Rags to Riches by Rob Wright - Short, Drama - The stakes are raised in a game of pool when the sharks turn up. 6 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hey Rob, nice to see another from you .

I've written a critique, but it's not quite finished, I should have it posted tomorrow....

Thanks!

Robbie

First off, technically, this is superbly written. It very visual and evocative, both in describing the milieu and the game. I'm a big fan of pool myself (although, I prefer 8-Ball) and I have a script on here that features pool as part of the narrative. In comparison though, you treat the game in a far more vivid, almost fetishistic way that I really dug. You can really feel your love of the game from how you focus on the minutiae. Whether its discussing a particular cue or just in the player's movements, their grace and prowess, as they move around the table.

Narratively however, this threw me for a loop, and not in a good way. I guess because we started with Billy Ray and Evans entering the bar that I expected them to be the protagonists. Actually, it’s the Sport/Spoon partnership who emerge as our primary characters. Of course that is fine, the first characters one sees at the beginning of a film don't have to be the main players but it was how events transpired that left me scratching my head. I wondered what was the point of this. I mean, what story were you trying to tell here?

Basically (and forgive me if I missed something) Evans calls an outcome on a game he’s not even playing in (that alone is cheeky enough). He lays a wager but the offer isn't taken up. It turns out that he was wrong but this is debateable since his highlighting of said outcome influenced Spoon's shot so that the latter avoided a potential loss. Evans then challenges Spoon to a game, he declines, having already made his money. Sport, on the other hand, is rightfully pissed so he challenges Evans. The prize: their precious cues.  This is where I think Evans will hustle him but instead Sport kicks his ass, effectively white washes him. Evans doesn’t even get a shot...but before Sport can sink the 9-Ball, Billy Ray gets fresh in a major dick move and blocks the chosen pocket in order to force Sport to go elsewhere. Sport pretends to acquiesce before rightfully ignoring him and smashing the ball into the pocket Billy Ray has covered. Evans and Billy Ray unreasonably and rather foolishly (given their environs) lose their shit and a dust up ensues. Unsurprisingly, the white guys receive a deserved beat down and we end with a victorious and cocksure Sport and Spoon.

Am I getting all that right? Two white guys walk into a black bar, make risky a wager, then challenge a local to a game. Staring at defeat, they inexplicably try to sabotage the game and get their asses kicked (on and off the table). The end.

Other than it being a black fantasy/F-you to entitled white people, what are you attempting with this? Is it working on a metaphorical/sub-textual/allegorical level that I’m not picking up? I’m very curious to know.

Col.

Hey Rob! Nice to see another one from you..


Okay, Col has mentioned a lot of things I had already written so I won't repeat... here's some of the things I found tripped me up.


*MAC (65), larger than life, chewing on an even
larger cigar.*

The cigar is too big in my mind because I'm comparing it with MACs size.


*This player is SPORT (22), young and cool. Sport scratches
his chin with the tip of his POOL CUE, a mean looking rod.*

When I read this I pictured Sport with a big line of chalk dust on his chin... As I assume since he is playing, the cue is chalked up lol... I myself use to play a lot of pool, with blue chalk .


*Evans holds out his hand, Billy-Ray fills it with Evan’s cue.
Their movements appear well rehearsed.*

Should it be Sport holding out his hand? Plus I notice Sport doesn't have much of a say in this, the coin is flipped, Sport hasn't even responded to the request to gamble their pool cues. Is this on purpose because Sport is so confident? If so maybe you could show Sport acting like of course I'll win. Or saying something. Or just a look...As written Sport is very passive and I can't tell what his feelings are on this. Or it's just too early in the morning for me


*Spoon emerges from the darkness grabbing Billy-Ray. Spoon
holds a knife to Evans’ throat.*

This is confusing. As written, I get this.....Spoon emerges from the darkness, he grabs billy-ray, then holds a knife to Evans throat while he's holding billy ray?


*Two Doorman relieves Spoon of his knife and Billy-Ray,
dragging him to the exit.*

I got confused here.... maybe too much subtlety and not enough visual action.. Plus there's 2 new characters who need to be capitalized.   'Two large DOORMEN run toward the fight. DOORMAN 1, grabs the knife out of Spoons hand, while DOORMAN 2 pulls Billy-Ray away towards the exit.' ......Something along those lines....

The visuals and tone of the story are good, but the story was very simple for me. I did notice you could milk the hell out of the tension in this... that way the audience can get more emotionally involved and enjoy some   good tension release when they get their asses kicked. ..

Good luck with it..

Hey Col and Kirsten,

Thanks a lot for taking the time to give me feedback on this, it’s much appreciated, and really helpful!  (Thanks too for the warm & positive vibes  ).

You’ve both listed quite a few questions, and I do want to respond to all of them (indeed, I have below), but I don’t want you to think that I’m doing that to try to justify things - I’ve clearly managed to confuse (haha), so there’s obviously something wrong that I still need to work on - that’s accepted, and again, it’s appreciated  

So the below isn’t an attempt to explain things that were clearly not explicit in the script (honest Gov) - but in case you're desperate, read on!

>>>> Firstly, Col,

Your synopsis of my story is more or less on-point - but you were curious to know “what was I attempting with it”?

I’ve noticed that most of the stuff I write (the stories) tends to be short and I can see that they will feel incomplete.  I see them like ‘cold openings’ to a much longer story, and this one is a prime example of that.  In my mind we have only just been introduced to the main protagonists S&S (Sport and Spoon) by the end of the script and (if I could ever write more than 6 pages -haha) they will then go on to have an amazing adventure…

Even so, taking this as the short story it is (rather than just Act 1) the twist you felt was what I wanted - ie. that the reader should initially think the protagonists are Evans and Billy, but they are not.  

I was trying to go for the old “hustler, get hustled’ here and an extra little twist being that S&S were hustling them as a unit right from the moment Mr Evans walked into the club.  

OK I’ve clearly not quite managed to convey this well as you were left thinking that:-

i.     Evans had actually influenced Spoon’s shot (in my mind it should have been that the reader would work out later that, as part of THE REVEAL, that was all part of S&S’s hustle).  

and

ii.      when Spoon refuses to play Evans, and Sport steps in (here, in my mind the reader would later come to understand, as part of THE REVEAL, that this was all designed to make Evans feel like he was playing the lesser player when in reality S&S were working the whole situation together to get Evans to play the better player - ie. Sport who then, as you say, kicks his ass).

By the way, ‘THE REVEAL’ that I mention above, is where the reader finds out that rather than Spoon not liking Sport (as evidenced by the way he talks to him during their game), actually they are best pals, and Spoon very much had his back when the sh@t hit the fan.

ANYWAY - I hope that helped to decode what I was trying to achieve? haha.


>>>> and Kirsten,

Hey, how are you?

1)     
Yeah, that cigar thing, just me trying to charm the reader with my witty banter!

2)     
Hmmm - Chalk on the chin? (MEMO NOW READS: Sport needs a nice beard - haha)

3)     
“If so maybe you could show Sport acting like of course I'll win”

- Hmm, well again, at that point in the story the reader isn’t supposed to know just how confident Sport really is, he’s hiding it, going along with it like it’s Evans who’s in control, when really it's Evans that is being royally hustled by Sport.  I didn't want the reader to know this just yet, so it's ok for me that they think he's being passive.

It’s not too early for you, it’s my bad.

4)     
“Spoon emerges from the darkness grabbing Billy-Ray. Spoon holds a knife to Evans’ throat.”

and

“*Two Doorman relieves Spoon of his knife and Billy-Ray, dragging him to the exit.*

DAMN, these are both mistakes,  (MEMOS READ: Spoon must hold the knife to Billy's throat - and - there is only every one doorman, not two).  

Thanks!


You know, Col/Kirsten, when I close my eyes, I can picture this whole thing and it all makes perfect sense, but trying to convey it in a script is something I’m still trying to get better at.

Kirsten, you said you was going to send me something new of yours to read?  Still happy to do that when you're ready, if you’d like?

Thanks both
Rob.

Robbie

Quoted from RobbieD but I don’t want you to think that I’m doing that to try to justify things

I wouldn't worry about that. Nothing wrong with articulating what you are trying to achieve in your work. Its a good opportunity for reflection, if anything.

Quoted from RobbieD I’ve noticed that most of the stuff I write (the stories) tends to be short and I can see that they will feel incomplete.  I see them like ‘cold openings’ to a much longer story, and this one is a prime example of that.  In my mind we have only just been introduced to the main protagonists S&S (Sport and Spoon) by the end of the script and (if I could ever write more than 6 pages -haha) they will then go on to have an amazing adventure…

Well, that's fair enough if this a precursor to a larger piece, I didn't know that. There was no indication of that thus I assumed it was a self-contained piece. Maybe this is why it feels underdeveloped and doesn't really go anywhere other than being a set piece.

I'm the opposite actually in that I struggle to write super short scripts for the reasons you mentioned. Its very difficult for me to execute a satisfying standalone script within a few pages. Most scripts of this length are, broadly speaking, a set up and pay off, almost like a sketch. Here, as I said, you set the scene very well but there is no pay off, no punchline.

Quoted from RobbieD Even so, taking this as the short story it is (rather than just Act 1) the twist you felt was what I wanted - ie. that the reader should initially think the protagonists are Evans and Billy, but they are not.

Yeah, it definitely caught me unawares in that regard yet I was more left scratching my head as to why Evans and Billy Ray would act like such classless, belligerent assholes in this particular environment. Sure, it feeds into the inversion of our expectations but it just didn't make sense on a purely logical, human level.  

Quoted from RobbieD I was trying to go for the old “hustler, get hustled’ here and an extra little twist being that S&S were hustling them as a unit right from the moment Mr Evans walked into the club.

Yeah, I never got that really. Sport wants to play Evans more because he jeopardised his game with Spoon. Evans called that shot without any encouragement from Spoon or Sport. How would they have saw that coming and reacted to it? It was totally out of the blue.

Quoted from RobbieD OK I’ve clearly not quite managed to convey this well as you were left thinking that:-

Well, these are just my thoughts. Gather a few other opinions before making any changes. Maybe I'm alone on this. I can, admittedly, be slow on the uptake.

Quoted from RobbieD Evans had actually influenced Spoon’s shot (in my mind it should have been that the reader would work out later that, as part of THE REVEAL, that was all part of S&S’s hustle). and ii.      when Spoon refuses to play Evans, and Sport steps in (here, in my mind the reader would later come to understand, as part of THE REVEAL, that this was all designed to make Evans feel like he was playing the lesser player when in reality S&S were working the whole situation together to get Evans to play the better player - ie. Sport who then, as you say, kicks his ass). By the way, ‘THE REVEAL’ that I mention above, is where the reader finds out that rather than Spoon not liking Sport (as evidenced by the way he talks to him during their game), actually they are best pals, and Spoon very much had his back when the sh@t hit the fan.

Hmm, yeah I don't buy this as I said above because how could Sport and Spoon have reacted to  this unexpected intrusion so quickly. It was a completely random interruption.

Quoted from RobbieD ANYWAY - I hope that helped to decode what I was trying to achieve? haha.

Thanks for your explanation and perhaps I didn't give the hustling element its due. Maybe it will work more effectively for others.

Quoted from RobbieD You know, Col/Kirsten, when I close my eyes, I can picture this whole thing and it all makes perfect sense, but trying to convey it in a script is something I’m still trying to get better at.

Right, that's the trick. Of course, we should always write from our gut and translate what we've envisaged onto the page/screen with as much fidelity as possible. However, stepping outside yourself and trying to judge your work objectively, assuming the perspective of a reader/audience member is also important for clarity.

Col.

Thanks again Col, really helpful.