All Are Welcome by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Drama - A psychic helps a wife of a deceased police officer overcome her loss by telling the latter her husband used to cheat on her. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

P.S. This is a rework of a previous OWC script.

I swear I've read a similar script on here, like for an OWC or something, but anyway...

SPOILERS

First of all, your logline is the complete opposite of what the script tells. It's actually a psychic that helps a deceased police officer. Irene has nothing to do with it until the very end, and even then, she already knew that he was cheating on her, it seems, with her line about how she should be the one crying because he lied to her.

Why is this "MAN" talking in third person about himself? If he's Pedro, why is he referring to Pedro in third person? Do spirits forget their own identity when they die? And if so, why can he remember who Irene is but not himself?

How does this "MAN" know that people are ready to press charges if he's dead?

I like the sentiment, but some things just don't make much sense to me.

Hi Sean. Yes, it was submitted before to a writers tournament. You read it and commented, I remember.
In the logline I do mean the psychic tells the wife of the officer. I actually don’t get where I went wrong with that.

Pedro at the beginning is mad at the psychic and is trying to scare her. That’s why he pretends he’s alive - and that’s what he would do if he was alive. So, that’s why he says what he says.

Thank you for the read and pointing out the areas that are not so clear to you. I’ll see what I can do about that.

heres the original:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521421645/

Quoted from Don P.S. This is a rework of a previous OWC script.

That was the clue lol

I thought it was quite good, I get why the "Man" was talking about Pedro, because he was pretending NOT to be him.

The thing about it for me was it was very very reminiscent of "Ghost"

Quoted from AndyJ I thought it was quite good, I get why the "Man" was talking about Pedro, because he was pretending NOT to be him. The thing about it for me was it was very very reminiscent of "Ghost"

Thanks for the read, Andy. Yes, I see why you say that.
I’ll read your Tattoo later

Hey, Kham:

I liked the story. I do think there needs to be some trimming on the dialogue - some minor examples to follow.

A nit thought - Given that Pedro is not in a uniform and is also pretending to investigate a crime, you may want to make him Detective Pedro rather than Policeman Pedro.

Also, in the opening I think there needs to be a bit more on why he is there – I now know the twist is coming, but for the reader there may be the need for a bit more. Stephania – Can I help you? Then he flashes the badge – Man – We received a complaint.  Something like that anyway.

Quoted Text She invites him to sit. The Man takes his phone out and places it on the table. He punches a few keys.

The imagery is a bit off. You don’t really punch keys on a phone – perhaps something like – he swipes the screen, taps a voice recorder icon.

Quoted Text MAN Don’t you tape your clients whenever you feel like it?

I’d so with “record” rather than tape. And you don’t need the whenever you feel like it.

Quoted Text MAN Tell me what you do, and why.

You don’t need the “and why.”

Quoted Text STEPHANIA Well, you must know that I help people get over their loved ones.

You don’t need the “Well, you must know.”  But, if you want to add that sentiment, I’d break it up. E.g.,

MAN
Tell me what you do.

STEPHANIA
You already know. Why else would you be here?

MAN
I need it for the record.

Quoted Text STEPHANIA No, I only help to cope with loss.

Think you need a “them” after help.

Quoted Text MAN You know people aren’t happy with your services, right? You should tell me more, as some of them are ready to press charges. Stephania sighs.

I thought the above was the weakest part of the script. His statement didn’t seem genuine (for a Cop) nor her response. And you don’t need it anyway.

Quoted Text STEPHANIA I tax every penny of what I make.

I think you mean I pay taxes on every….

Quoted Text STEPHANIA You may not like it, but my clients obtain closure this way. See, most of them don’t get a chance for a final talk with their beloved. And that’s when I come in.

Shouldn’t it be “where” I come in?

Quoted Text MAN Let’s talk Irene Ketchum. After Pedro been shot, you told her on his behalf that he cheated on her.

Should be Pedro “was” shot

I'll stop there - take a another pass at the dialogue - needs a bit of care. The story itself is a very good one.

Thank you, Dave, for a detailed pass at the dialogue and other points. All sound advice like usual. I’m going to make an adjustment and give it another pass, I’ll definitely do.

Quoted from khamanna Thank you, Dave, for a detailed pass at the dialogue and other points. All sound advice like usual. I’m going to make an adjustment and give it another pass, I’ll definitely do.

My pleasure

Okay, Khamanna, I'll jump on the bandwagon.

Mmmmmm. For some reason, I kept thinking of Hitchcock when I read this. Now, this might be because I've seen so so many of his films or, it could be for some other reason. I dunno.

As far as the story, yep- I liked this.  I could picture it easily. The overall tension is well drawn,  and I felt the sadness you wanted to portray-- good work in the emotion department, but methinks you could fine-tune some of the dialogue... cut it short, make it more succinct for more punch.

Once again... my opinion is my own, and therefor worthless... Best of luck- Andrea

PS - Ohhh.... No nitpickiness to report.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Okay, Khamanna, I'll jump on the bandwagon. Mmmmmm. For some reason, I kept thinking of Hitchcock when I read this. Now, this might be because I've seen so so many of his films or, it could be for some other reason. I dunno. As far as the story, yep- I liked this.  I could picture it easily. The overall tension is well drawn,  and I felt the sadness you wanted to portray-- good work in the emotion department, but methinks you could fine-tune some of the dialogue... cut it short, make it more succinct for more punch. Once again... my opinion is my own, and therefor worthless... Best of luck- Andrea

Hey, thanks Ghostie I'm def giving it another look and will try to compress and cut and other stuff. Let's see what comes out of it.
PS - Ohhh.... No nitpickiness to report.

Hey, Kham. Gave this a read. Cute story.

The writing is actually pretty good. I saw everything you wanted me to. Only thing that jumped out to me is when you reveal the Man to be Pedro, you keep his name as The Man in his first dialog after the reveal. Probably just a typo, so no biggie. Also, why did Pedro seem unaware of who he was at first? That was a little odd.

Some of the dialog reads a little awkwardly. Nothing a few more passes won't fix.

Storywise, I question the relevance of the flashback sequence. It just doesn't really seem needed.

Still, this was an enjoyable little story. Good work.

Khamanna,

Don’t ever remember reading this. Must have missed this OWC.

I liked this a lot. Nice twist and all, sparse and a quick read. Only thing that kinda brings this down is why would she tell Irene that Pedro cheated on her in the first place? (Sorry if you’ve answered this already - did not read comments yet) This is actually a sweet little story and I feel the lying part doesn’t really add much to this. Kinda takes from it.

Overall, very good.

Steve

Hi Zack. Thanks for the read. Yeah, I don�t like that flashback but don�t know how to get rid of it just yet. I�m scared of questions.