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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  A Christmas Portrait - WIP Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Christmas Portrait - WIP  (currently 761 views)
SAC
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey all. So, finishing up a new Christmas script and here's the first ten pages. Def not going to be everyone's cup of tea as it's aimed specifically at the Hallmark crowd, but any reads I can get would be cool. Thanks!

No logline yet, but basically it's big city lawyer goes to small town to finalize a deal and falls for a local photographer.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/889hmussy1naptu/A%20CHRISTMAS%20PORTRAIT.pdf?dl=0

Steve


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khamanna
Posted: December 9th, 2019, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Steven.

Read the pages. Not sure why you say it's not everyone's cup of tea. Not that it's ordinary but it's nothing over the top or anything.

Anywho

I didn't like the fact she mentions Sam. Looks like we need to see him next but we don't. Then Curtis - for the sake of the first ten I'd introduce him later if at all.

Jakes intro is kind of lacks flow to me too.

I liked Amanda and what happened later (don't want to include a spoiler, but the thing they offered and the if part) That's really good.
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eldave1
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Hey, Steve:

Gave it a read, ignoring format, typo issues etc as I'm sure that's not what you're looking for right now. Anyway...

Nothing really popped for me - i.e., I'd probably not read on. Everyone kind of has a normal life and they all kind of sound the same (their voices).  

We know Amanda has a nice job, lovely co-workers and a boyfriend that is inattentive. Based on the foreshadowing we know she's going to meet a better dude on her trip. I'm guessing that they're probably going to butt heads over the development, be enemies at first and then fall in live for some Christmas related reason. My problem right now is that Amanda's problems just aren't interesting.

Shake it up - go out on the ledge a bit. As an example - rather than having an inattentive boyfriend,  Amanda has a dead Fiance'- died in a car accident two Christmases ago or something. When she comes into her office and sees it decorated, she wants the decorations taken down. Rather than being ordered to take the trip out of town - she asks to be sent - not wanting to be around the party and all the festivities - Christmas is a bad memory for her now and she wants to escape the spirit of the season along with the sympathy from her co-workers.  
Long winded way of saying - have her be someone who lost the Christmas spirit when she lost the love of her life - on this trip - she'll find it again at the end.

Make the characters - well, less vanilla. Shake them up. e.g., Put a deaf person in there, some different ethnicities, maybe a disables, wheel chair bound person, a drill sergeant type personality  - anything to separate them a little .

Long winded way of saying, by necessity your going to be telling a story told before (kind of the nature of Hallmark Christmas type stuff) - so being that, shake it up - make it different.

Hope this makes sense.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: December 9th, 2019, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from khamanna
Hey, Steven.

Read the pages. Not sure why you say it's not everyone's cup of tea. Not that it's ordinary but it's nothing over the top or anything.

Anywho

I didn't like the fact she mentions Sam. Looks like we need to see him next but we don't. Then Curtis - for the sake of the first ten I'd introduce him later if at all.

Jakes intro is kind of lacks flow to me too.

I liked Amanda and what happened later (don't want to include a spoiler, but the thing they offered and the if part) That's really good.


Kham,

Thanks for reading. Her mention of Sam is just to intro the kind of land deal she’s going to be negotiating later on, so that call and Sam with come into play later on.

And I agree that Jake’s intro lacks some flow. He’s the love interest and we need to like him right off the bat so I’ll work on that. Thanks for pointing that out.

Glad the rest worked for you. It all comes into play later, and basically with this first ten I’m hoping to convey the entire gist of what’s to come.

Steve



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SAC
Posted: December 9th, 2019, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from eldave1
Hey, Steve:

Gave it a read, ignoring format, typo issues etc as I'm sure that's not what you're looking for right now. Anyway...

Nothing really popped for me - i.e., I'd probably not read on. Everyone kind of has a normal life and they all kind of sound the same (their voices).  

We know Amanda has a nice job, lovely co-workers and a boyfriend that is inattentive. Based on the foreshadowing we know she's going to meet a better dude on her trip. I'm guessing that they're probably going to butt heads over the development, be enemies at first and then fall in live for some Christmas related reason. My problem right now is that Amanda's problems just aren't interesting.

Shake it up - go out on the ledge a bit. As an example - rather than having an inattentive boyfriend,  Amanda has a dead Fiance'- died in a car accident two Christmases ago or something. When she comes into her office and sees it decorated, she wants the decorations taken down. Rather than being ordered to take the trip out of town - she asks to be sent - not wanting to be around the party and all the festivities - Christmas is a bad memory for her now and she wants to escape the spirit of the season along with the sympathy from her co-workers.  
Long winded way of saying - have her be someone who lost the Christmas spirit when she lost the love of her life - on this trip - she'll find it again at the end.

Make the characters - well, less vanilla. Shake them up. e.g., Put a deaf person in there, some different ethnicities, maybe a disables, wheel chair bound person, a drill sergeant type personality  - anything to separate them a little .

Long winded way of saying, by necessity your going to be telling a story told before (kind of the nature of Hallmark Christmas type stuff) - so being that, shake it up - make it different.

Hope this makes sense.




Dave,

I believe you've read an earlier, more vomitous draft of this, and as I recall your notes were fairly the same in regards to the characters being vanilla, which I totally understand. On further rewrites, I will try to add a little more punch to them. Curtis the security guard is written as a black character, although I don't call him out as such. As far as making someone disabled or deaf, I think that might be taking it a bit too far unless the particular character has a more defined role in the story, which the earlier characters, save for Katherine, do not.

I understand the inattentive boyfriend has been done to death, and I've noticed a trend of these movies getting away from that lately. Still, it's the trope I used and I actually thought about changing it before I read your comments, but decided against it. I still might, but I might have to change too much, which is something I'm against at this point.

Having a boyfriend who died in a car accident? Big no-no here, as I think it would be considered too much of a downer. Remember, everything here is usually pretty happy with down moments being the appearance of the potential relationship about to crumble towards the end. If this was something not aimed at the Hallmark crowd it would definitely be a consideration.

Anyway, I'm trying to squeeze some new juice out of this orange. I'm not done yet - still a few more pages to go. Thanks for the feedback!

Steve


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eldave1
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Quoted from SAC


Dave,

I believe you've read an earlier, more vomitous draft of this, and as I recall your notes were fairly the same in regards to the characters being vanilla, which I totally understand. On further rewrites, I will try to add a little more punch to them. Curtis the security guard is written as a black character, although I don't call him out as such. As far as making someone disabled or deaf, I think that might be taking it a bit too far unless the particular character has a more defined role in the story, which the earlier characters, save for Katherine, do not.

I understand the inattentive boyfriend has been done to death, and I've noticed a trend of these movies getting away from that lately. Still, it's the trope I used and I actually thought about changing it before I read your comments, but decided against it. I still might, but I might have to change too much, which is something I'm against at this point.

Having a boyfriend who died in a car accident? Big no-no here, as I think it would be considered too much of a downer. Remember, everything here is usually pretty happy with down moments being the appearance of the potential relationship about to crumble towards the end. If this was something not aimed at the Hallmark crowd it would definitely be a consideration.

Anyway, I'm trying to squeeze some new juice out of this orange. I'm not done yet - still a few more pages to go. Thanks for the feedback!

Steve


my pleasure Steve. Best of luck with this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
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Yep, the dead fiance is no good according to the Hallmark design... So concur with you on that Steve.

But I also agree with Dave that things need to be more compelling.

I've still got moving boxes everywhere Steve, sorry for the holdup.

Breakups aren't out of the question are they? Perhaps she needs to dump or be the dumpee from the outset?

It's all too easy and a bit too good to be true at the moment and I know you're not daft, Steve, that the real shakeup will come later before the happy ending, but for me personally to feel for her from the outset I need her to be going through some personal crisis. For some reason I don't find her terribly likeable at the moment.

Am going to read again later and give it more thought.


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SAC
Posted: December 10th, 2019, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from LC
but for me personally to feel for her from the outset I need her to be going through some personal crisis. For some reason I don't find her terribly likeable at the moment.


Correct. Some leads have some sort of family business that they're taking over, introducing a new product that may or may not work, and if it doesn't work then the business goes belly up. I mean, it's resolved at the end, and of course it all works out.

But you make a good point here and I'll think on it about how to make her more likeable. There's already a partnership at stake and the boyfriend so I'm not sure how much more I'd want her to handle without it getting too busy. Was thinking of shoehorning her father in there somewhere.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
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Hey you,

Ooookay,  I've watched a fair few of Hallmark Christmas movies, and so far it’s a pretty standard fare for their channel. Well, I assume it's your target.   You're adhering to  a strict formula, 9 Act Structure, right?   It normally takes us about half an act to realize that our shit doesn't work.  If you can write nine acts? I applaud the hell out of you. If I'm completely off the planet here, no worries, just let me drift . . . drift . . .

I like this... but there’s a "roll up your pants legs and wade in" feel to the opening. Not that what you have doesn’t work - it's a nice start Steven. Not great, but I guess it achieves whatever plot development it's meant to achieve.  I just wanted a lot more mileage out of it.  Oh yea one other thing, I kinda like the flower bit thing, myself.  Sooooo cute.

One microscopic little suggestion, after she ends the call with Karl, I don't think what is important in this scene is showing how deep her relationship is with Karl, maybe it’s more in showing what an a$$ Karl is.  If so, fair enough.  But from one female's perspective...I wanted a reaction out of her 'cause I'm having a hard time accepting that it’s no big deal for Amanda. Unless it's not a serious relationship.  Me, I’d be pissed.. just saying... either way, some sort of reaction would have been nice...


Quoted Text
But you make a good point here and I'll think on it about how to make her more likeable.

Libby often does.   

****Lemme just add, If you want to smoothe out your character's rough edges (Amanda), positive traits. At least one because it allows us to see past the negative ones and root for and like her. Obviously, I can't judge the story from the first ten pages. So, I won’t make a determination if Amanda is likable or not.  I'll defer any further comments  to others.

Personally, WE'RE less concerned if the protagonist is likeable.  WE care if he/she is relatable. Do I understand why the character is the way they are. It comes down to the character's raison d'etre.  The important thing is: are your characters and your story interesting? Think as a viewer, not a writer: do I want to watch this story, this gal?  

Phew!  There ya go, my opinion. Use or ignore as you see fit.  Sorry, I'm rambling.  Maybe I shouldn't look at these until I've had my morning coffee. Break a leg. -A


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SAC
Posted: December 19th, 2019, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey you,

Ooookay,  I've watched a fair few of Hallmark Christmas movies, and so far it’s a pretty standard fare for their channel. Well, I assume it's your target.   You're adhering to  a strict formula, 9 Act Structure, right?   It normally takes us about half an act to realize that our shit doesn't work.  If you can write nine acts? I applaud the hell out of you. If I'm completely off the planet here, no worries, just let me drift . . . drift . . .

I like this... but there’s a "roll up your pants legs and wade in" feel to the opening. Not that what you have doesn’t work - it's a nice start Steven. Not great, but I guess it achieves whatever plot development it's meant to achieve.  I just wanted a lot more mileage out of it.  Oh yea one other thing, I kinda like the flower bit thing, myself.  Sooooo cute.

One microscopic little suggestion, after she ends the call with Karl, I don't think what is important in this scene is showing how deep her relationship is with Karl, maybe it’s more in showing what an a$$ Karl is.  If so, fair enough.  But from one female's perspective...I wanted a reaction out of her 'cause I'm having a hard time accepting that it’s no big deal for Amanda. Unless it's not a serious relationship.  Me, I’d be pissed.. just saying... either way, some sort of reaction would have been nice...


Libby often does.   

****Lemme just add, If you want to smoothe out your character's rough edges (Amanda), positive traits. At least one because it allows us to see past the negative ones and root for and like her. Obviously, I can't judge the story from the first ten pages. So, I won’t make a determination if Amanda is likable or not.  I'll defer any further comments  to others.

Personally, WE'RE less concerned if the protagonist is likeable.  WE care if he/she is relatable. Do I understand why the character is the way they are. It comes down to the character's raison d'etre.  The important thing is: are your characters and your story interesting? Think as a viewer, not a writer: do I want to watch this story, this gal?  

Phew!  There ya go, my opinion. Use or ignore as you see fit.  Sorry, I'm rambling.  Maybe I shouldn't look at these until I've had my morning coffee. Break a leg. -A


Ghostie,

Thanks for reading this. I seem to have a fairly decent handle on the 9 act structure -- I'm not perfect by no means, but I'm getting there and it isn't as daunting as you might think. It's basically allowing for commercial breaks, using mini cliffhangers and progressing the story in 10 minute chunks, save for the first act, which runs about 18-20 minutes. I actually took a stop watch to a couple Hallmark movies and they all have it.

I'm just finishing this up now, so when I go back there will be lots to look at, namely making Amanda likeable AND relatable.

The flower thing was actually a suggestion I got when I sent the first draft off for coverage, but I'll take credit for it.

I feel the reason she doesn't show much emotion to Karl's call is because, well, this is our first taste of Amanda, and I don't want to show her showing vulnerability right off the bat. Right now she's strong, in her element and this rolls right off her. Plus, later, she's gonna piss off an entire small town, fall in love, bake cookies and realize what she really wants in life is so she needs to save her strength!  

Steve







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LC
Posted: December 29th, 2019, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Steve, finally, my feedback on the whole script, after all the moving/Christmas mumbo-jumbo etc. Very apt timing really, given your script.

Thought I'd write here to bump the thread for others.
Time to post the entire script, perhaps? Or are you keeping it under wraps? Ha! Christmas pun.  

First off, I'll say I think you're a natural at writing for the specific Hallmark market. I watched at least a few beginning scenes of Hallmark movies in the lead up to Christmas - couldn't stick it to the end - and your effort fits the mould perfectly.

I could nitpick and do a line by line (I still do not like 'exsqueeze me' ) but I don't really see you'd get any benefit in me doing that cause most of my minor objections amount to purely subjective preferences.

I don't think at this point in time Hallmark wants their storylines shaken up or the basic vanilla formula changed cause they're enormously popular as is, to a large audience.

I suggested earlier ramping things up, introducing a storyline in the opening re Karl cheating on Amanda primarily to make Amanda more likeable, elicit sympathy etc. You went for a more softly softly approach and by the end there's enough conflict and threat to Amanda's job and happy-ever-after ending that I did warm to her by the conclusion. There are still things that make me gag, sorry, just a bit - the Miss Bryce thing, being one of them, and it's absolutely amazing via a somewhat contrived plotline (estranged father and son) that a character like Buddy redeems himself quite as fast as he does, and completely backtracks on his plans for Cedar Ridge. Love or money? Buddy chooses love, of course, but one thing did not depend on the other so there's no real moral message actually articulated via dialogue of him changing his ways. Technically he could have had his cake and be eating it too. Not altogether in-credible though, and by the time we get to the denouement every piece of the pie, or in this case Christmas pud and cookie fits neatly together - and it works.

You've got some nice little cameo roles in Ed Miller, and to a larger degree, Rose & Pop, although the latter character seems to lose steam towards the end. I think it would work equally as well if Pop was a bit less philosophical and a bit more of a curmudgeon, less taking everything in his stride re the development and losing his house - and just in general for light and shade a bit more cantankerous. Everyone is so darned nice.

I think you're pushing it just a bit with Chuck's role and his very fortuitous meeting with Jake, and for that matter his timing with his rendezvous with Amanda - considering she all but left town a minute ago. Chuck's character - two scenes only? does feel a little bit thrown in there, and yet he completes the final image and Family Portrait in your finale.

Speaking of: You're aware that I thought you could do better with that title, but by the end you made that all make sense and fit together nicely too. A nice cinematic scene to go out on.

Now if all that sounds like damning you with faint praise it's probably more a case of jealousy that I can't write this specific genre as effortlessly as you appear to be able to.

And finally, though you're aware I still have a distinct bias towards Christmasville I wish you all the luck in the world in getting this into the right hands, and into production. No reason it shouldn't be snapped up and on the air by next festive season.

Admirable job, Steve.

P.S.
A couple of typos, but few and far between, in the vein of:
don’t  let  his  eat  too  many cookies!

P.P.S. Steve, a FYI: That was Andrea who posted that last critique, not ghostie.  We have a pair of -ghostwriters to contend with now.  Double trouble.  


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SAC
Posted: December 30th, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Steve, finally, my feedback on the whole script, after all the moving/Christmas mumbo-jumbo etc. Very apt timing really, given your script.

Thought I'd write here to bump the thread for others.
Time to post the entire script, perhaps? Or are you keeping it under wraps? Ha! Christmas pun.

No, not keeping it under wraps at all. Just needs another rewrite is all.  

First off, I'll say I think you're a natural at writing for the specific Hallmark market. I watched at least a few beginning scenes of Hallmark movies in the lead up to Christmas - couldn't stick it to the end - and your effort fits the mould perfectly.

Thanks for saying that, Libby. Far from a natural, though. I started this well over a year ago. Grew frustrated with it. Stopped, started again. Rinse, repeat. It wasn't till just the last couple months that I decided to give it another go.

It's hard sometimes to sit through these Hallmark movies and I completely understand why. However, buoyed from the amount of responses I've gotten from queries to actually selling a Christmas script, I feel emboldened, shall we say. This just might be a nut I can crack.

I could nitpick and do a line by line (I still do not like 'exsqueeze me' ) but I don't really see you'd get any benefit in me doing that cause most of my minor objections amount to purely subjective preferences.

Some changes are coming. Think "exsqueeze me" is out. No one likes it!

I don't think at this point in time Hallmark wants their storylines shaken up or the basic vanilla formula changed cause they're enormously popular as is, to a large audience.

My script is the bad boyfriend trope. It's been done. However, of the couple Hallmark movies I've watched this year, the storylines are starting to vary. If I'm not mistaken, Lifetime even had an LGBT Christmas movie. So. slowly but sure, the norms are changing. Hallmark is just verrrry slow to catch up, if they even want to at all. And, honestly, there's nothing wrong if they don't want to.

I suggested earlier ramping things up, introducing a storyline in the opening re Karl cheating on Amanda primarily to make Amanda more likeable, elicit sympathy etc. You went for a more softly softly approach and by the end there's enough conflict and threat to Amanda's job and happy-ever-after ending that I did warm to her by the conclusion. There are still things that make me gag, sorry, just a bit - the Miss Bryce thing, being one of them, and it's absolutely amazing via a somewhat contrived plotline (estranged father and son) that a character like Buddy redeems himself quite as fast as he does, and completely backtracks on his plans for Cedar Ridge. Love or money? Buddy chooses love, of course, but one thing did not depend on the other so there's no real moral message actually articulated via dialogue of him changing his ways. Technically he could have had his cake and be eating it too. Not altogether in-credible though, and by the time we get to the denouement every piece of the pie, or in this case Christmas pud and cookie fits neatly together - and it works.

There are ways to make this better. I know it. Still, I'm glad it's worked well for you thus far. I'll try to ease up on the gag inducing scenes. When I sent this away for coverage not long ago one of the main things they suggested was that it needs more suspense, more stakes, more for Amanda to lose. I think I've done that, but there's still that rewrite to do.

You've got some nice little cameo roles in Ed Miller, and to a larger degree, Rose & Pop, although the latter character seems to lose steam towards the end. I think it would work equally as well if Pop was a bit less philosophical and a bit more of a curmudgeon, less taking everything in his stride re the development and losing his house - and just in general for light and shade a bit more cantankerous. Everyone is so darned nice.

Thanks. I like the Ed Miller character too. I'll look into the supporting characters too, see if I can rev them up a little. I can still add like 5-7 pages to this, and I have an idea for a new opening as well. Not drastic, but something quick showing Amanda as a child with her parents one Christmas, but her mind seems to be on bigger things... i.e., a call back to her leaving for the big city years later only to return when her priorities change a little.

I think you're pushing it just a bit with Chuck's role and his very fortuitous meeting with Jake, and for that matter his timing with his rendezvous with Amanda - considering she all but left town a minute ago. Chuck's character - two scenes only? does feel a little bit thrown in there, and yet he completes the final image and Family Portrait in your finale.

Hmm. I've seen sillier things in these movies! Chuck was thrown in last minute, and he'll get a few more pages earlier on.

Speaking of: You're aware that I thought you could do better with that title, but by the end you made that all make sense and fit together nicely too. A nice cinematic scene to go out on.

My wife picked the title! lol. I'm not a big fan of it either, so what are your thoughts?

Now if all that sounds like damning you with faint praise it's probably more a case of jealousy that I can't write this specific genre as effortlessly as you appear to be able to.

And finally, though you're aware I still have a distinct bias towards Christmasville I wish you all the luck in the world in getting this into the right hands, and into production. No reason it shouldn't be snapped up and on the air by next festive season.

Admirable job, Steve.

Awfully nice of you to say. Thanks!

  


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