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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Work In Progress  (Drama)- Counter Point Moderators: bert
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TonyC
Posted: December 27th, 2019, 3:59am Report to Moderator
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Looking for feedback and or a co-writer.

You Can-not demonstrate an emotion or prove an aspiration.
- John Morlex-Rousseau
1 INT.- GASSTATION/HOTEL LOBBY - EARLYEVENING
Man dressed in black blue jeans, button up shirt, and hiking boots, with a silver necklace with a cross and a pic attached laying to the left side of the sink. Splashes some water in his face. Takes a look into the mirror deep stare as he sees a 12 year old boy in the mirrors reflection and takes in a breath and lets it out and inside his head says to himself.
RANDY Okay! let’s do this.
Turns the knob to the bathroom door when a man rushes by catches Randy off guard. Randy has OCD and it shows even though he doesen’t know it. He walks through the hotel/gas station and opens the door and heads outside.
2 EXT. - SONGBIRDS CAFE - NIGHT
Walking outside Randy with his white Fender Stratacoustic guitar in his left hand surveys the parking lot and all the vehicles that are there. All the many people starting to get in line. He checks his pocket business cards check, guitar pick necklace around his neck check, performance guarntee #8 piece of paper printed off check. Randy walks over gets in line. He’s about 5th in line. A young lady HOLLY in front of him turns around.
HOLLY Excuse me Sir, how are you doing?
RANDY Great. Well nervous. But good.
HOLLY Good. Can I ask you something?
RANDY Yes, Mam. Sure.
HOLLY Well, this is kind of embarrasing, but my name is Holly. I drove down today from Penn State and I am a writer only. I never been to one of these events here and thought it was like an open mike poetry reading.
2.
RANDY Okay yes...
HOLLY Well, em, I have this performance ticket I printed out before I came and everything. I can sing and all , but I don’t play guitar or keyboard.
RANDY Oh, I see. You know you don’t have to play an instrument to get your song heard if you have an idea how it might be sung. Do you have...
HOLLY Well, somewhat but not really. Truthfully I been wanting to come down here for months now something kept getting in the way. I just wasn’t feeling inspired. Then over the weekend I was and wrote these lyrics and just knew I had to come and share them with everyone if nothing else. Know what I mean?
RANDY Actually, I do. For me I drove up from Destin, Florida by the way yesterday. I on the other hand have been working on this melody for about a year. Honestly, until last week I still really didn’t have my song finished. I just finished it Thursday of Last week.
HOLLY Really, I can’t wait to hear you play it. It’s great to meet you. So, my question really was more or less, would you be interested in accompaning me on your guitar just for this evening?
RANDY Oh my well tell you what, good thing we got here early, we have our performance tickets, you know what why not. We’ll have to get out of line though so to go over it and I need to hear you sing it a few times.
3.
HOLLY Sure, your a life saver. I just won’t to thank you in advance.
RANDY Sure no problem. Thank me after we perform it though. ok.
HOLLY
Ok.
RANDY Did you bring another copy of the lyrics?
HOLLY Yes I did. Right here in my music bag.
Holly and Randy get out of line walk back over to the parking lot to where Holly is parked in a White 4 door CUV, but her car key wont unlock it. Turns out it’s Randy’s CUV. Holly feels embarassed for a moment. Randy looks at Holly and smiles.
RANDY (Both Laughing) Oh!, is that your white CUV parked way over there near the road?
HOLLY (Smiling and Hands over face shacking head) Yes, This is so embarrassing.
RANDY Na, could happen to anyone. Ok, shall we take a look at your lyrics?
HOLLY Ya, come on I found my keys. Again thank you for helping me out.
RANDY Oh, no problem. Looking forward to reading your lyrics and hearing you sing them.
4.
3 INT. - HOLLY’S WHITE CUV - NIGHT
Randy sitting in the passenger front seat with his guitar with both doors open Holly is going through her bag to find the second copy of the lyrics. While this is taking place Randy is thinking back to a moment in time he and his mom shared a moment as a child when he was around 8 or 9 years old.
CUT TO FLASHBACK SCENE
4 INT. - RANDY’S CHILDHOOD HOUSE - DAY
A brown haired 8 or 9 year old boy is playing in his room when he looks at a second closet that hes’s been told to never open. The curosity has gotten the best of him on this day and he decides to open it.
He opens the brown weathered door gently and slowly.
YOUNG RANDY (VO)
I wonder what’s in here? Mom tells me to stay out but why?
After opening the door its pitch black and young Randy can’t see a thing. Luckly he knows where he keeps his boyscout flashlight. After digging it out of his camping gear in the cornnor he switches it on. The light is so bright he hits the floor from the startle.
RAND’Y MOM Randy, what are you doing? I heard a loud noise and it came from your room.
YOUNG RANDY Em, nothing mom just playing.
RAND’Y MOM I really wished you would come out of your room and go outside and play.
YOUNG RANDY Mom? Can you come here for a minute please.
RAND’Y MOM Sure i’m coming in now.
5.
YOUNG RANDY (Looking Up and kindy scared) Look at this mom what I found.
RAND’Y MOM Oh my goodness what is it?
YOUNG RANDY It’s some sort of book with songs in it mom.
RAND’Y MOM Wow! just wow! Son you know I have told you not to go snooping around inside that closet. Since you have come over here and sit down beside mama.
YOUNG RANDY (Confused but Interested) Ok sure mom.
Young Randy’s mom takes the photo album picture book from Young Randy and looks at the grey cover for a moment. Then opens it slowly dust falls off and the pages crackle as she turns them. On the inside is some writing.
Janie’s Poetry/Idea hook book it reads. His mom just looks at the floor and stares off into space and some tears come into her eyes. Young Randy begins to tear up as well.
YOUNG RANDY (Concerned) Mom, why are you crying? Are you alright?
RAND’Y MOM (Begins to Smile after wipping the Tears away) Yes, I’m fine. I just had a memory from when I was younger. Do you know what this is?
YOUNG RANDY Um, a treasure map or game?
RAND’Y MOM No hun. (Smiles) This was my song and poetry book when I was in high school long time ago.
6.
YOUNG RANDY (With full attention and interest)) WOW! Mom, I never knew you was a writer.
RAND’Y MOM Yes, along time ago your mom wanted to be a singer too. Traveling around the country and playing songs I wrote.
YOUNG RANDY (In Amazement with eyes) Wow really. You mom.
RAND’Y MOM (Laughing) Yes, Randy your mom.
YOUNG RANDY Can I hear one? Will you sing one for me?
While young Randy’s mom flips through the old song book comes to one and stops and says...
RAND’Y MOM Ok sure but only if you sing it with me.
YOUNG RANDY (Rolling Eyes) Oh mom really do I have to?
RAND’Y MOM Yes, Randy come on it will be fun.
So, Young Randy and his mom begin to sing. Randy looking up at her and down at the song and following along as this is the first time he’s ever heard his mom sing in along time but hes smiling.
YOUNG RANDY & HIS MOM (SINGING TOGETHER)
There once was an old man who lived just down the road
If he didn’t like you it was said he would turn you into a toad...
TRANSITION BACK TO PRESENT DAY
7.
5 INT. - HOLLY’S WHITE CUV - NIGHT
Randy has had his eyes closed for awhile and as he opens them he can hear a beautiful voice close by.
Thought You Had Me Figured Out Thought You Held The Key To This Heart Thought I was like Every Other Woman Well Honey I Got Some News For You I’m A Modern Day Jayne Wayne.
As he looks towards Holly she looks at Randy and smiles and says.
HOLLY Well, that’s my song. What did you think?
RANDY
Pausing for a moment... Not bad, not bad at all. You know what you have something there. Let me see.
Randy gets his backpacker special guitar and strums a A major bar chord, then a E major, and on to a C, D, B. Stops and looks up at Holly.
RANDY How’s that sounding?
HOLLY Interesting, yes keep playing. Go on keep playing...
Randy keeps strumming and Holly begins to sing the words to the song and after about 10 minutes they have agreed this sounds great for the chorus of the song. Not watching the time now at all at this point, Holly is excited as is Randy caught up in the moment.
HOLLY This is sounding great, got any ideas for the verse music?
RANDY Tell you what, I’m staying across the street in the Where Dreams Come Alive Motel and I have a recorder, mics, and a laptop if you like to work on this some more?
8.
HOLLY (Gleeming & Excited) Yes, lets go.
So, Holly & Randy each grab their bangs and Holly closes her door and locks them to her CUV and she Follows Randy across the Market Street to the Motel 2nd floor room 217.
6 INT. - RANDY’S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
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LC
Posted: December 28th, 2019, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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TonyC
Posted: January 5th, 2020, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Thank you I checked as I am new here and could not locate how to read private message?

Respectfully,
Tony Campbell
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RShwab
Posted: June 10th, 2020, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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"Randy has OCD and it shows even though he doesen’t know it."   This confused me. It seems out of nowhere, and did not relate to the action or dialogue.  I did not like the timing or length of the flashback in the middle of starting a relationship with the singer woman.  
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