Buried In The Snow by Anonymous - Short, Drama - In the midst of terrible virus outbreak, a man buries his wife and daughter. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The first one for me!

The first check, it matches the criteria. Snow, Shovel and Sickness!

This was well written, it was easy to visualise all the scenes and the action. I don't think you needed the beats, they took me out of the story and you paced the action so well it didn't need the beats to show pauses. That's a minor thing!

My main criticism is there's not much of a story. We see an old, grief-ridden man bury his family and that's it. You do get the emotion across but there's no meat to the tale. You don't even need to mention or show the outbreak as it is mostly irrelevant.

A nice few scenes for sure, just needs more story. Well done.

-Mark

Hmm, not bad, if a little static. Some nice images. I wonder if making that Title Card might work better as a Superimpose over the images of those not quite buried properly in your opening, perhaps a dog, or bird scavenging and Henry scaring them away - some more startling images perhaps without being gratuitous?

And, (bit morbid) but either Henry is left alone as one of the last alive, or:

I really thought you were going to have him dig his own grave next to his wife and child, and lie down in it, or next to her.

You hit all the right marks I just wanted more. Maybe something to get in the way of his efforts, or something... I don't know exactly. Will let you know if some brainstorm hits.

Good visual bits. No dialog and that's a plus in my book since you managed to crank out 5 to 6 pages without a dialog. Nice.

But for me what it has now is the beginning. Not even the middle and surely there's no ending for me here either since I don't see the middle here.
So he wants to bury them. That's a start. But then you go for four plus pages telling us how hard it is for him.
While it's a good start it still just a start. And I don't even think it's just me.
Sorry if I come off as a mean reviwer or something.

You hit all the criteria, and all the stuff - shovel etc makes sense here. So great job on that. And hey, you submitted! I chickened out. Thanks for submitting.

Excellent visuals! Without any dialogue, you're able to convey Henry's struggle and grief. I pictured everything clearly, I cared for Henry, and my heart broke for him. Despite the vast post-apocalyptic world you created, you put all the focus on Henry, and that focus allows for an emotional impact.

Structure-wise. the biggest issue is that there isn't a conflict or beginning/middle/end. It feels like a scene from a larger story. I was so invested in Henry that I felt let down when the story ended where it did, not being able to see more of his personal journey. Since you have 4 pages to spare, I would recommend expanding the ending. Suggest what lies in store for Henry. Is there a spark of hope? If not, is there something he could do with his last breath to inspire hope in other survivors?

That being said, the most important thing is that you created a character that is both sympathetic and relatable, so kudos to that.  

Side note: you also don't need the expositional title card at the beginning. The sound over black, followed by "2059" should do the trick. Readers will put two-and-two together

Hi writer,

One thing that always trips me out, or confuses me for that matter, is the incessant idea that people need to escape far and isolated during an outbreak, here (this tale) being a cabin. I get the sense that people want to escape society to avoid whatever shitstorm may rain down upon thee during troubled times, but I do hold conviction that a viral pandemic would be somewhat different than a run of the mill societal breakdown from war and such. That being, people need to be where a potential cure is found or released when and if it happens; large metropolitan areas.

And, if we consider that everyone else has the same thoughts, then escaping outside of the wreckage would probably be a lot harder than it seems.

Consider, after the Black Plague ripped through Europe in the 13th century, many people left to pick up the pieces simply inherited a wealth of monies and estates from the filthy rich who suddenly, well… died. A lot of today's old money families were nothing more than the hired help or defunct relatives when all hell broke loose, but they survived and simply assumed the identities of the forgotten. No one came to take it away, because there was no one to take it away to begin with.

Your story I feel would benefit greatly if they were in a luxurious homestead somewhere with stellar technology set up to communicate with the rest of the world, simply because they assumed the identity of some previous tycoon. I mean… fuck the wall street banker at this point, he couldn’t take his fortune with him to the grave, so why not use it to help your family survive these peril times.

I bang on but, do believe this story suffers from some sort of unforeseen situation that would present itself if the world actually lost 6 and a half billion people. Would this family truly be alone in the sticks waiting to die, or would they be involved tooth and nail with those left in society looking for answers? I believe the latter.

The writing is good, and you pulled me into this persons tormented reality, however and unfortunately, there are way too many redundant scenarios that run over and over to drive home the ideology of how sad it is to bury the dead while waiting to die yourself.

Hmmm.

All criteria met - check.

The writing is pretty good. It does become a bit repetitive in terms of beats - yes.

But for the most part this felt like a scene out of a larger story rather than a complete short story.

Meets the criteria and sets the scene of this devastating plague but I’d have to think how what you’ve written would play out on screen and the level of engagement.  Storywise, I was waiting for something to happen - a big reveal or important character choice to present itself.  Instead, we watch a man bury his family and then grieve - just as the logline suggests.  No twist, irony or much by way of mystery to pull the reader along and that you have to ask yourself if that works as a narrative.  If starts out downbeat and continues on that trajectory.

It’s a tragedy on a human level, but not knowing these characters in life makes it all the harder to find that emotional connection in death.  I like an apocalyptic scenario but for me, this needed more insight/plot to make an impression.

Good luck.

Very nicely drawn and I didn't notice the lack of dialogue until the end.

But this played like a little vignette to me, not a fully rounded story.

Script is good though and was an easy read.

As I go:

- Meeting Henry, I feel like the opening title card is a mistake. We understand, I think. Your imagery conveys everything. And Henry's story is going to be a small one, so we don't need to start with the broad perspective of history -- we'll figure it out ourselves through his story.
- Typo on 3 -- toll/tole

Thoughts:

- Nothing here, for me. Well-written and evocative, but ultimately, even as a mood piece, there's not much to cling to here because Henry's experience is one note -- he's just sad. The box is not a surprise -- really, nothing is.
- Put another way: Henry does not work to overcome anything in this story. It is dramatically flat.
- I would rather have watched the child struggle to bury the parents. More interesting visually, and allows more room for thoughts to dwell on the future, and not just the past.

Chris

It was an easy read and descriptive, easy to "see"

The bodies were covered in blankets and you said "She" for the Daughter. We didn't know it was a girl.

You repeated "whatever strength he has left" a few lines apart, maybe doesn't matter but it did to me.

You have him digging in the "Clearing" then the next scene heading has him back outside the cabin. I think it should have been "EXT. CLEARING - AFTERNOON

Next heading: "EXT. CABIN - NIGHT"

You then say "It's dark now" well it would be, it's night. No need to tell us it's dark.

Ah-ha! Enlightenment.  I kind of dug this, but my biggest issue I had, and I say this humbly, was there’s just nothing else here.  It feels like it’s just a small piece of the bigger puzzle.  Whatever that might or might not be.  Probably not.  But it's great that posters are reacting to it.  

Overall... very nice.-A

Hey,

cool p1
with some nice establishing shots

For a long beat, Henry doesn’t can't take his eyes off the bodies, almost as if he’s frozen in time.

Beat is such a killer for imagination ('for a long beat' even more), and you have all the necessary words there to bring it across and keep me in - but this way you destroy my bound with the narrative.

Okay, the story misses to close the circle. There's no cinematic expression for me other than watching a grieving man who probably will be the next in line.    

Sure, it's sad and I feel empathy for the man… and you have shown this well btw, but that's it?

For me, it's not more than a starting point yet; just misses more story aspects.

So many people died, wouldn’t mandatory cremation become the law, rather than huge swaths of land for cemeteries? In fact, wouldn’t fear of contracting the disease cause people to burn the bodies in place, if not totally abandon them to rot wherever they fell?

An awful lot of well-written anguish here. Most stories have a beginning, middle and end. We just get the end here, which is okay for this challenge, but I love apocalyptic stories and I think the writer has a good one here.

Hello writer

I'm sorry to say, this did nothing for me - I guess I should be moved, but I'm not. Maybe if I had more of a glimpse into what he has lost, earlier, I might have cared - why reveal the photo at the end? it's not a big reveal, we can see from the start he is burying loved ones - so why hold back giving us a connection to them until the end?

Him constantly crying also kind of takes away the impact of it - He shows his sorrow at the start and doesn't change at the end - What I'm saying I guess, is that there is no kind of journey here.

I think (and take with a pinch of salt) that the actual task of burying his loved ones should have been the antagonistic force in this. He digs the graves too easily - sure it seems to take him a few hours, but it would take a fit healthy man a few hours to dig two graves - he is weak, skinny and ill, the ground is probably frozen.
The actual digging of the graves should take focus - he is determined to lay them to rest before he dies - his illness and the conditions get in the way - his desperation and emotions escalate until a point of "all is lost" (he collapses, can't finish) the bodies will never be laid to rest. somehow, remembering them, brings up the strength to finish the job - finally, he buries them, as soon as the last pile of earth completes the grave, he falls, laid to rest with them.

Just my 2 pence worth - at the moment, it doesn't really do anything.

Well done for entering