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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Wet Socks
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Don
Posted: February 9th, 2020, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wet Socks by ML Kennedy - Short, Horror - George is the only one in his building this Thanksgiving, or so he thinks.10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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ML
Posted: March 15th, 2020, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, you hundred some odd people.
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Dustin
Posted: March 16th, 2020, 2:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Most of those hits will be bots... and they're not reading the script. I did read it. It's written well enough and is fairly humorous. The ending was a bit shit but it does the job, I suppose.

Good luck with it.


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ML
Posted: March 16th, 2020, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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The way this year is going, I'm going to thank the robots just in case. . .
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Dustin
Posted: March 16th, 2020, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from ML
The way this year is going, I'm going to thank the robots just in case. . .


A very witty observation. I almost laughed out loud but I restrained to an inward chuckle.


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spesh2k
Posted: March 23rd, 2020, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey ML,

PAGE ONE: Why don't you just say MOM (V.O.) instead of PHONE VOICE? I'm thinking George was talking to a dude at first for some reason, until he calls her "Ma".

Also, your first paragraph:


Quoted Text
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

George Smith (29) sits on a futon in his studio apartment.
He's wearing earbuds connected to a smartphone.


We already know he's in a studio apartment. You can just say "sits on a futon".

And what's the point of him wearing earbuds if we hear his mother's voice? To hide the conversation from Chad? I mean, Chad already gets the gist of the conversation anyway. Just find it weird that someone speaks on the phone in the privacy of their home using earbuds.


Quoted Text
GEORGE
No, I won't be. Chad said that I
could come over. Sarah makes a
turkey and a ham.


Sounded weird to me. Is this something Sarah does each year for Thanksgiving? Maybe, "Sarah's making turkey and ham."

PAGE 2:


Quoted Text
GEORGE
She'll be back. She's always come
back before.


Think you meant "came". Or maybe "She always comes back."


Quoted Text
CHAD
You"re probably right.


Watch your punctuation. Especially for a short, no excuse for too many typos.


Quoted Text
CHAD
I don't watch fucking Friends. You
know you can hop in the car with me
, right? I'm leaving in half an
hour.


Again, punctuation. Not sure why you have a space before and after the comma.

Then, at the bottom of page 2:


Quoted Text
CHAD


All we see is the character name at the bottom, then the dialogue at the top of page 3. Just move the character name to the next page.

PAGE 3:


Quoted Text
CHAD
Cincinnati is basically America's
Paris.

GEORGE
I don't think that's right.

CHAD
Well, in terms of chili.

GEORGE
Oh.


Ha! Funny!

I'm not gonna nitpick and comment on typos for the rest of this, you get the gist. Just probably go through this again, comb through for typos.

PAGES 4-5:

A little confused. So, Molly lived in the apartment before George, right? Then Rigo lived in the same apartment before Molly? Not sure if I have this right, but the backstory is a little confusing. So, Rigo sees a leak on his ceiling in the same apartment... then goes upstairs to check on Molly, who lives above him? I thought they lived in the same apartment?

PAGE 6:

Shouldn't have LATER in the transition spot all the way to the right of the page. LATER should be a scene heading of it's own. Or a sub scene heading because we're in the same setting but with time lapsing.

PAGE 7:

Okay, so Chad and Sarah live upstairs where Molly used to live? And Rigo had the apartment below, where George now lives? So, why would George have a reason to be scared about a ghost that doesn't even occupy his apartment?

PAGE 8:

Again, LATER doesn't go all the way to the right. As a matter of fact, you don't even need it. If anything, LATER belongs on the scene heading you have next - INT. GEORGE'S BATHROOM - DUSK - LATER. Or maybe just GEORGE'S BATHROOM - LATER.

PAGE 9:

Just thought of this... why does George have Chad's keys anyways? Is he cat sitting or something?

PAGE 10:

Hmm... I like very dry, anti-climactic endings like this, especially after building all this tension and having this whole ghost story being presented to George (and us). It's dry humor, which I dig. Though I was pretty much expecting it to be Sarah just by the fact that her name was even mentioned in the story, period. But why was Sarah upset, telling George to leave? Doesn't make sense to me, unless I'm missing something.

Overall, the dialogue was natural sounding and humorous, albeit very dry and deadpan. The characters were fine, distinctive enough. The actual mythology you set up with Molly doesn't really seem like it would affect George directly, as long as the ghost isn't in his actual apartment. Hence, Chad explaining the story about Molly really shouldn't have had any bearing on George's night in the first place. Maybe if he just said, "If you hear anything weird coming from upstairs, it's probably just Molly".

And, as for the writing, nothing too glaring outside of the placing/formatting of "LATER" and some typos (probably a little too many for a short). My main suggestion is probably just to shore up the mythology better so that it affects George in his own apartment. Unless Chad and Sarah had a pet, there'd be no reason for George to have Chad's keys and even go up there. And the Sarah character, not sure why she'd tell George to fuck off. Maybe make it clear why she'd wanna be left alone?

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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