Lottery Jackpot Mishap by Joseph A. Monachino - Short, Drama - A lottery jackpot winner has 6 hours to collect his prize, that he won exactly a year to the day.  On the way to collect his prize, a tragic mishap occurs. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahoy Joseph.

I'm not gonna comment on the story coz something else has contaminated my view of this material.

Here's my takeaway:

... every sentence begins with we see.. we hear, it’s a chore to read.  One or two We sees in a script isn't going to be a problem. But if it becomes a script about "WE SEE" then there is an issue.  When I read scripts with too many We Sees I'm thinking, "Don't be telling me what I see just tell me what to see..."

Hell yeah - it's a tool that has its uses, but like crack, Ben & Jerry's and most things in life are ok when done in moderation - so use sparingly and for a purpose.  But like using a hammer on a screw, while it can achieve the desired result it might not be the best way to do so.  

We seldom use we see and never we hear because you’re watching a film - of course we see. It's usually redundant and serves no purpose.  Now, there are times when "we see" is the right tool for the job - usually when the audience sees something that no other character sees. Then we would probably use it, because "we see" is not redundant - it serves a purpose.  But yours do neither.  All yours does is it just adds an extra layer of "clunky."

Code He daydreams of being in the passenger seat of that car. He looks at the lottery ticket next to him on the side table. He nods his head 3 times wishing he could win the lottery jackpot to buy that car.

Be visual-show don't tell...

This is just for fun's sake: Why is he in the passenger seat?  Plant his butt behind the wheel.

BEGIN DAY DREAM SEQUENCE:

I/E. FREEWAY - NIGHT

A Lexus mows down curves.  Ralph punches it into 5th. Pushes 80.  Rain pounds the windshield.

END DAY DREAM SEQUENCE:

Just an example.  Regardless, film is a visual medium.

Another thing. You really need to brighten up your action/description. It's like a mastermind giving orders to his robot.  It's very uptight and rigid.  It's really hard to enjoy reading it.  And this is a prime example:

Code WE SEE: Ralph eating his breakfast after he gets a box of cereal and bowl out of his cupboards. He takes a pitcher of milk out of the fridge. He pours some cereal into the bowl. He pours milk on it. He sits on the seat at the kitchen table to eat his cereal.

Just remember that actors are not chess pieces - so stop moving them around like they are.  Give them the idea of what they are supposed to be doing instead of giving orders when to sit, stand, roll over, beg... you get the idea.

Yea, as for the voice over, it's poorly used in this case.  It's not there to tell us what's going on. VO is best if it adds a layer of comedy or emotion to a story, rather than exposition...

For example: A character telling about the best time of his life, and you see a war zone with him killing people. This would get across a certain point.

Alas, the dialogue is depressingly on the nose and lacking the sparkle needed to sustain my interest.

Anywayz, I really went on much longer than I intended to here.  I can see the passion behind this, but it needs work.  Reads scripts.  The best of Irish luck with it. -A