Satan's Lucidity by David Whelan Harty - Horror - A small group of young adults go to a cabin in the woods for a fun weekend. A killer then shows up and picks off all but one. The killer makes certain she does not get away that easy. Killer Twist at the End! 89 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hey David,

I think it's safe to assume to you're pretty new at this, which is fine, everyone needs to start somewhere. And many of us have learned the craft through trial and error, paying our dues. So, if you're around, please take everything I'm about to say with a grain of salt. It'll only help you get better.

The presentation would make anybody stop reading the moment they open it. Even the title page seems a little off. I've never read a script that mentioned -- AUTHOR: WRITER'S NAME. It's always "Written By". Not saying it's wrong, but after seeing that, I had a feeling this might be a rough go as I was scrolling down to the next page.

Now, I'm not sure if you plan on filming this yourself -- it says "Shooting Script" on the title page. But even if you're not shopping this to producers (who would just look at the first page w/ out even reading and close the document), it's almost unreadable for anybody. The formatting is WAY off. First, you start off with just "FRIDAY" at the top of the page. Usually you're supposed to start with FADE IN but I've seen some great scripts that don't. Still, at least use scene headings. They're pretty much mandatory for a screenplay. It's part of the basic format. How else are we supposed to know where we are?

I guess you mention that in the action description but I looked at that action block and didn't even attempt to read it. It felt like I was trying to crack missile codes or something. Not sure if you copied and pasted or what. But if that's how you intended to write it, the grammar, punctuation, etc, isn't close to passable. There aren't even spaces between the words. It's like a Daily Times word search.

Now, believe it or not, there's something encouraging in the dialogue -- I did make a fair attempt to TRY and get through a few pages. The dialogue felt very natural, so you do have a gift for dialogue, at least I got a sense of it in what I read. But then, even in the dialogue, the formatting goes haywire -- no spaces in between words, no punctuation. It was just too much.

Now, you can say that I didn't give the script a fair chance because I wasn't commenting on the actual story. But that's just how it is. I'm not gonna sit through the 1st 15 minutes of a film if it's unwatchable. Maybe the story's great, who knows. But if it's very poorly lit, very poorly framed, just flat out hard to watch, I'm not gonna stick around to find out.

I suggest checking out some screenwriting books. But I really suggest reading other scripts. It will help you understand formatting better and how to write effective description. I think you just might have a knack for dialogue, but the formatting and overall writing needs to be fine-tuned... A LOT. I love reading Rian Johnson's scripts because they're so easy to read and move at the pace of an actual film. Alexander Payne's scripts are also very technically sound.

Best of luck! Keep writing, keeping working at it and keep learning!

-- Michael

Thanks man, I appreciate the feedback. The words being jumbled together was a result of me putting a rtf format into an online pdf convertor, it messed some things up. Other than that it's all on me lol. Also, after I read some things and do a re-tooling of the script, do I just submit it again or is there a way to just update?

Hey David, glad you didn't take offense to anything I said.

Yeah, I figured there was an issue with copying and pasting or trying to transfer it from a different format. If you don't have Final Draft, I highly recommend you get it. It is a bit expensive, though. I know Celtx is free. It seems okay, I use it for work, but I've been using Final Draft since 2005 and it's hard to get used to for me. But, again, it's free.

You can submit it again, but there's a checkbox that asks if it's just an update to an existing script. Just hit the checkbox, proceed as you did before, and Don will have it updated for you.

You fix up the word-jumble, fix up the formatting a little and I'll give the script another look.

-- Michael

And I highly recommend checking out some scripts around here, too. Commenting on other posts will getcha more looks and comments. A lot of good writers here willing to help, a lot of solid scripts.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k And I highly recommend checking out some scripts around here, too. Commenting on other posts will getcha more looks and comments. A lot of good writers here willing to help, a lot of solid scripts. -- Michael

I've been reading scripts on here for like 10 years lol... Some are really great. I finally thought I had something special so I signed up. I will work hard on it and would be really pleased about you taking another look.

Yeah, man, keep working on it, get it in shape and I'll give it another look. Like I said, the dialogue (and the dialogue from that other work in progress you posted) you write seems pretty natural, so you have that down. It's just a matter of getting the script in shape so that it's not a chore to read. It makes it easier to focus on the story itself.

-- Michael

First - everything that Michael said.

I also recommend Final Draft.

Also, check out Grammerly. You can use if for free. I cut and paste my Final Draft script to a WORD doc and then run it. It picks up all kind of errors. You have a ton of them.

Okay - people are going to bail on paragraph one.

Quoted Text The camera opens up into a small bedroom, clothes are scattered about and a makeshift bed is made-up on the floor beside the real bed. The camera pans around to a pair of feet, and then up to a mirror, a young man (CHRIS, 20) looks at himself as he combs his hair. He is wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and a flannel shirt. He smiles at himself, then points at the mirror like with guns keeping a self credulous attitude. Just then another man (JAMES, 21) who is wearing a pair of loose fit blue jeans and a tight fit Hollister style t-shirt walks behind Chris and into the view of the mirror, James kind-of shakes his head and chuckles a bit.

Let's see if we can shape it by:

1) losing the camera directions
2) A proper scene heading
3) Using an active voice - i.e., changing stuff like is wearing to wears

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Small and messy. Clothes scattered everywhere.

CHRIS (20) gazes at himself in the mirror as he combs his hair. He wears
tight blue jeans and a flannel shirt.

He smiles as he  his image the mirror as he points, like with guns.

JAMES (21) clad in loose fit blue jeans and a tight fit Hollister style t-shirt
walks behind Chris and into the view of the mirror,

James shakes his head and chuckles.

----------------------------------------------
Doesn't have to be this exactly - but just wanted to give you a sense of what it kind of ought to look like.

Thanks, I appreciate it a lot man.

Quoted from DavidHarty Thanks, I appreciate it a lot man.

My pleasure