Under The Sheet by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - An artist is haunted by his art. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The film can be viewed here

Thanks for getting this up, Don.

Challenged myself to write a 2-page horror script with no violence. This is what I came up with.

Hey man, this was a cool little micro horror short. It has viral potential, ala "Lights Out". And, like "Lights Out", the concept itself is strong enough to consider using as the basis of a feature IMO. Although I wanted him to keep looking to the drawing and seeing something different each time, whether it's something missing or maybe he appears on the page, not sure.

All in all, cool concept. I'd consider possibly expanding on the concept.

-- Michael

Pretty cool little micro short here.

These three passages threw me:

Quoted Text CLOSE ON the drawing. In it, a Figure with a white sheet draped over them stands in an eerie graveyard. Creepy. CLOSE ON the drawing. It’s just an eerie graveyard. No Figure with a sheet draped over them. It’s as if it was never there The light falls on a FIGURE WITH A WHITE SHEET DRAPED OVER THEM! It stands motionless on the other side of the room. Peeking out the bottom of sheet is a pair of muddy boots

draped over them.. In my mind I was seeing plural - I think it should be it.

Figure is a bit pedestrian as well. Maybe if you flipped it - e.g., A HUMAN FORM with a white sheet draped over it.

Ending was creepy but could use a tad of motivation. Just a suggestion here:

Allen straightens up, terrified.

HUMAN FORM
Soul thief!

Or something - just spit balling.

Really well written, Zack.

Thanks for reads. Glad both of you liked it.

Michael, funny you mentioned Lights Out. David Sanbergs horror shorts were definitely an inspiration for this. Love that guys work. As for potentially expanding this to a feature, I've got a pretty cool idea for what direction I would take this.

Dave, solid point about the Figure. Human Form would definitely be more clear. Not sure I understand the implication of your proposed final dialogue. How is Allen a soul thief?

Thanks again for the reads, Dudes.

Different.. very visual - I LIKED IT!

Good job Zack!

I would suggest making Allen a litlle bit less of a scaredy cat. You have him almost falling out of his chair when someone knocks on his door. I can't picture a healthy 29 yo male doing this unless he has a physical disability or something. Let him gradually build up some fear. Other than that, thumbs up.  

Thanks for reading, Barry and Pia. So happy everyone seems to like this.

Pia, about Allen nearly jumping out of his seat at the KNOCK, didn't mean to imply that it legitimately scared him, just startled him. I'll go back and see if I can't tweak it.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Zack Thanks for reads. Glad both of you liked it. Thanks again for the reads, Dudes.

Bad example on my part.

The point I was stumbling at making - and this if probably for me only - is that at level one you got this real creepy thing going on - a dude draws a picture - that picture ultimately materializes outside his door and kills him. Okay - that is good and creepy.

But for me the level two is adding the - why?  What is it about drawing this picture that results in that doom for our poor artist? I clumsily used the soul stealing theme is one answer - muddling the point even more.  

Hope that makes sense.

Quoted from eldave1 The point I was stumbling at making - and this if probably for me only - is that at level one you got this real creepy thing going on - a dude draws a picture - that picture ultimately materializes outside his door and kills him. Okay - that is good and creepy. But for me the level two is adding the - why?  What is it about drawing this picture that results in that doom for our poor artist? I clumsily used the soul stealing theme is one answer - muddling the point even more.

I get what you are saying. And I don't disagree that more motivation would only help improve this story. That said, I'm not really sure an explanation is needed for a micro-short like this. I dropped a hint that someone marked Allen's house(the bloody infinity symbol on the door), but perhaps I was too vague.

If I ever expand this, I promise to give a better idea as to WHY this is happening.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your thought, Dude.

Quoted from Zack I get what you are saying. And I don't disagree that more motivation would only help improve this story. That said, I'm not really sure an explanation is needed for a micro-short like this. I dropped a hint that someone marked Allen's house(the bloody infinity symbol on the door), but perhaps I was too vague. If I ever expand this, I promise to give a better idea as to WHY this is happening. Thanks again for reading and sharing your thought, Dude.

My pleasure

This is pretty good for a micro.  Creative, visual, with a couple of twists.

The ending could use a bit more pop, but this is true of virtually any horror script.

You are, however, employing one of my biggest (though I have many) horror movie grievances:

Quoted from script A loud THUD O.S. causes him to nearly jump out of his skin. He spins around, shines his flashlight around the room. The light falls on a FIGURE WITH A WHITE SHEET DRAPED OVER THEM! It stands motionless on the other side of the room.

So, why the THUD?

Nothing is moving. Nothing has fallen. I hate the never-explained horror-movie O.S. THUD. Take out the THUD. Just let him turn his flashlight and find it. It is even more startling without the THUD, IMO.

My two cents, anyway.  Nice short.

Thanks for reading, Bert. Much appreciated.

I see what you mean with the THUD. Originally I had FOOTSTEPS, maybe no sound is really needed. Thanks for the suggestion.

Like I  told you before, this is a very creative script. Nice, clean and short.

Quoted from ChrisBodily Like I  told you before, this is a very creative script. Nice, clean and short.

Thanks, Dude. Appreciate it.