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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    March Challenge  ›  The Stars Are Haunted - March 2020 - 7WC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    The Stars Are Haunted - March 2020 - 7WC  (currently 613 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2020, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Stars Are Haunted by Bill Moldestad Jr - Horror, Cosmic - In the Stars lies our freedom, if we fight for it. 115 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Grandma Bear  -  June 30th, 2020, 9:42am
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LC
Posted: April 21st, 2020, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, this is ambitious and beautiful to read, Bill.

I could highlight small errors in writing but that seems pedantic because overall what you've written is skillful, and the humour throughout is spot on, and you've recreated the characters quite splendidly.  

Okay, one teeny nitpick -
The pain is excruciating as she lays down.
Should be 'lies down'.

Imh, you should turn all the character (CONT'D)s off too, as it will further streamline the read. Except of course when going to a new page.

The 'we' this and 'we' that is going to bug some readers but it didn't bother me one scrap.

I'm up to p.41, fully absorbed up to this point with the lovely imagery and visuals, and you've managed to give this a quietly sinister feel to offset all the beauty of space.

The head only of David would be a striking macabre image but it's funny as well. Great job there.

It's just at this point however I realise something more needs to happen. Shaw's transformation/metamorphosis just takes a little too long. There's a little bit too much ruminating, questioning, speculating going on and I find myself craving more action, progression of actual plot. What is the mission?

At this point:

DAVID
Approximately one week to Paradise,
if all goes well.
TROUBLED EXPRESSION and she
REACHES UP WITH BOTH HANDS, CUPPING the holographic globe and
pulling it down towards her.
Suddenly, BANDS OF HIEROGLYPHICS ENCIRCLE THE PLANET.

SHAW
(holding Paradise)
What does this mean?
David’s FOCUSING: trying to make out the tiny, moving
symbols that are obscured by her hands.
Several beats later and still no answer; she’s looking
impatient.
Walking over, and handing him Paradise.
DAVID
It says: This is Paradise.
A beat.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Perfection made whole.
She adjusts her hands for him to see the rest of the moving
hieroglyphs.
DAVID (CONT'D)
(continuing)
We seed ourselves into the world to
watch it grow. We destroy
(a beat)
what we must. Do not approach us.
A beat as they look at each other.
DAVID (CONT'D)
(look of insight)
Grow.


Okay, something's happening, threatening... but it's still too much in the abstract and taking a little bit longer than I'd like.

I'm going to read on after I take a look at the first Act the other contenders submitted.
Kudos, though. Some fine work on display.

P.S. Your logline - though poetic, there's not enough to it imho.  It reads like more of a tagline.



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  April 21st, 2020, 6:51pm
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eldave1
Posted: April 22nd, 2020, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Your character description is real thin - at least give us an age.


Quoted Text
DAVID’S HEAD in Shaw’s lap.


At this point I couldn't tell if this was a detached head or David with his head in her lap.

The opening in general is very visual. I am enjoying the comedic moments.

Not caring for the we sees, we drop, ec.

I like parentheticals - but there are way too may here. I'd use an action line for any longer than one lie.

On page 40 now and the story is not really progressing - same beats over and over.

I'll come back.

So - Beautiful imagery.  Really solid dialogue. A lot of odd stuff going on at this point but not enough to propel me forward.

In places the script is as clean as a whistle. In a few places it seems tricked up.

I believe overall you are a talented writer. But for me, the story is starting to drag. I'll come back.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: April 22nd, 2020, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting Dave that you got to the same page as I did in wanting things to rev up.
I hope Bill comes onboard to discuss.


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eldave1
Posted: April 22nd, 2020, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Interesting Dave that you got to the same page as I did in wanting things to rev up.
I hope Bill comes onboard to discuss.


Yeah - it just needed something to propel it from there. Like it got stuck a bit - a lot of good writing though


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Geezis
Posted: April 23rd, 2020, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Hi Bill,

I thoroughly enjoyed the script, was a great follow up to 'Prometheus'.

Great visuals, great interaction between Shaw and David but a very very busy read.

It was a bit too descriptive for me and I found it difficult to mentally visualise everything but on screen I'm sure it would look stunning.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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BillM
Posted: June 30th, 2020, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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I appreciate all of the feedback!  Yeah, I was afraid about the long parentheses, and I hear you about the "we sees" "we drop" --  grammar has never been my strong point! I'm still working on it all these years later.    But I think I'm improving as a writer; to be honest, I'm a visual thinker, that might sound cliche but, I write what I see happening in my head: sometimes I nail it and other times, it seems like I over think what I want to say, and I end up writing tricked-out pages.  But I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to read this, it means a lot to me.  I guess, I hear you about the first half being slow... I wanted the first half to be more like a play, revolving around Shaw transforming into a different kind of being, and her and David starting to trust each other.  I wanted the first half to be intimate, a breather, and to focus on them, but you're right, maybe it's too descriptive in parts and could have been shorter.  The second half, hopefully, jumpstarts when they're attacked by the Engineer scout-ship.  To be honest, this piece was more of a homage to what might have been with a Prometheus-sequel then what we got with Covenant, which, while beautifully shot (Ridley Scott is the god of movie directing and producing), and I'm sure a lot of people love it, but for me, Covenant took the cosmic horror out of the Alien franchise and replaced it with horror.  I'll never forget seeing the Space Jockey scene in Alien for the first time, I was in my twenties, and how it transported my mind, from whatever I thought was sane, into the deep, dark recesses of outer space, where what we don't know... may be a blessing... that was truly terrifying.  That's what I was trying to get back to.  And I also wanted to pay homage to Shaw and David, and give them a proper, heroic sendoff; I think they were owed that.  Bill.
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eldave1
Posted: June 30th, 2020, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BillM
I appreciate all of the feedback!  Yeah, I was afraid about the long parentheses, and I hear you about the "we sees" "we drop" --  grammar has never been my strong point!


Mine neither. I use a free product call Grammarly - check it out



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JEStaats
Posted: July 1st, 2020, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Hi Bill - I just finished reading to the end and loved it! You nailed Shaw and David mannerisms and personality too. Great banter and interaction too.

I agree (mostly) with what has already been mentioned above re: parentheticals, we see/hear, etc., but your writing is really so admirable that I didn't care about the nits. I wonder, were the last 20-30 pages rushed for deadline? Seemed to be a few more mistakes that derailed the read.

I'm by no means a professional writer but, with some revision, I'd say that this needs to be pedaled. I'm a huge Alien series fan and this is gold. You've talent, my friend!

Thanks for sharing!
~John
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