Night Steak by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - An old man in order to fill the stomach of a little girl acknowledges the true evil in the dead of a night. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thank you again Don for posting a revised draft. Made a few changes and cleaned it up.

I wrote this one based on my vague memory (of childhood) of seeing poor little kids walking from block to block in search of food. I just thought 'what if' it ain't that simple, 'what if' there is an ineffable price to pay.

Hope you guys like it.

Not my cup of tea genre-wise, but gave it a look.

Whenever I am using generics for character names - I treat them like I would proper names.

e.g., this:

Quoted Text INT. RUNDOWN HOUSE - NIGHT The rough man opens the door, shoves the old man inside

I would change to The Rough Man opens the door, shoves the Old Man,,,

You could use a little more description on the house,

Quoted Text It is lit bright.

A bit clumsily - just -  Brightly lit

Quoted Text Four people working with their cimeters on big chunks of meat. Cutting and chopping.

You need to all cap PEOPLE here. Personally, I'd go with BUTCHERS - regardless - they are characters and need to be capped when intro'd.

Quoted Text One of the four men answers.

You don't need this - we know they answer when they answer.

Quoted Text OLD MAN 175.

Should be written out. - One seventy-five

Nice effort overall - I think you are making strides in your work.

Thank you very much Dave. It is really nice to hear from you.

I will make the required changes.

Thank you once again for the read and review.

Quoted from Yuvraj Thank you very much Dave. It is really nice to hear from you. I will make the required changes. Thank you once again for the read and review.

My pleasure

Made the required changes as directed by Dave.

Thank you once again for the suggestions Dave.

Quoted from Yuvraj Made the required as directed by Dave. Thank you once for the suggestions Dave.

My pleasure.

It is creepy, I will say that.  I'm wondering if it couldn't have been done with no words at all.  Just actions.  It evokes the feeling of an old silent film.

The sad thing is, he sacrificed himself for her to eat, and she will most likely be killed by those dogs a few minutes later.

Two things on the quoted text below: 'loaves of stale breads', should be 'slices of stale bread' (no 's') and 'devours on it' should either be 'She chews on it.', or 'She devours it.', if it was finished right then.

Quoted Text loaves of stale breads. She devours on it.

Hello, Steven(or Mr.CERN, lol),

Thank you for reading and reviewing.

Quoted from steven8 It is creepy, I will say that.  I'm wondering if it couldn't have been done with no words at all.  Just actions.  It evokes the feeling of an old silent film.

It is nice that you find it creepy. I like the idea of an old silent film.  

Quoted from steven8 The sad thing is, he sacrificed himself for her to eat, and she will most likely be killed by those dogs a few minutes later.

You got the story spot on.

Quoted from steven8 Two things on the quoted text below: 'loaves of stale breads', should be 'slices of stale bread' (no 's') and 'devours on it' should either be 'She chews on it.', or 'She devours it.', if it was finished right then.

Thank you for pointing out the 'breads' mistake. I think it should be 'devours on it' since she is hungrily eating and not yet finished, if you read again then you will see that I have written MUNCHING ON HER TIDBIT on the last page. She is still eating.

Thank you once again.  

Hey Yurvaj,

Have seen you around a lot doing reads so I thought I'd check this out.

Agree with Steven8, it's very creepy and evokes a certain mood.

For me though, this lacks context. In the slugs we are given, STREET, RUNDOWN HOUSE and ROOM. I have no idea where we are - what country, city, etc. And I have no idea what is driving this extreme poverty. Is it a post-apocalyptic world? Is it a village ravaged by extreme poverty? Or both? And why specifically is meat scarce?

And while I get that the man sacrifices himself for the girl... to what end? Are they feeding people human flesh? Does he serve another purpose for the butchers?

You have time, in 3 pages, to set this up a a bit more. You can start with the man finding the girl. Give a sense of who she is, who he is, and why he wants to help her.

As for some of the grammar issues mentioned above - your command of the language is good, as you use lofty words in many cases, however it's an issue of syntax. "Devours" is the right word since it's a synonym for "attacks", however it should be written as "devours it", not "devours ON it."

Other instances like "two slices of stale breadS" - it should be "bread" since you've already deemed it plural (two). And "weighs on the uninjured foot" s/b "weight", as in, her weight is shifted.

And if you'll allow me to comment on your action lines - not that you need to save space in a 3 page short, however your opening line could be re-written into two instead of three lines by saying "who is in similar condition" and omitting "as that of the old man." Remember, the audience will see them both tattered on film, and you want to give us just enough to put the image in our head without using extra words.

And think of action blocks as separate shots in the same scene. Each time you want to convey to the director or the audience a different camera angle, hit return and type a new sequence. That tells me that something changed - a new point of view, or a few seconds have passed, etc.

Thanks for sharing, this is definitely a good start on something that I think can be expanded, and can have a great impact on the screen.

Good luck with this -

AJR

Thanks AJR.

Thanks a lot for taking time and reading my tiny script. Points noted.

Hi Yurvas.

Nice interesting read.

Just wondering....
- Why leave the child outside with the approaching HOWLS? Let her just stand at the inner doorway. After all the old man does to feed (save) her, just for the Howls to have taken her outside the door.
- After giving her the food, Why send her off to a certain death by the HOWLS that are closing in?  

Did I get the story right it that;
ROUGH MAN
How much more we need?
MAN #1
Still need around twenty-four pounds for the lot.

..In that this is the amount of meat they need to give, feed / pacify the "HOWLING beast" ?

Hi, Barry,

First up, you spelled my name wrong brother.

I wrote this one based on my vague memory (of childhood) of seeing poor little kids walking from block to block in search of food. I just thought 'what if' it ain't that simple, 'what if' there is an ineffable price to pay.

Quoted Text Did I get the story right it that; ROUGH MAN How much more we need? MAN #1 Still need around twenty-four pounds for the lot. ..In that this is the amount of meat they need to give, feed / pacify the "HOWLING beast" ?

You got it correct except the howling. It ain't no beast. They are dogs. Hungry fucking dogs.

Quoted Text Why leave the child outside with the approaching HOWLS? Let her just stand at the inner doorway. After all the old man does to feed (save) her, just for the Howls to have taken her outside the door. - After giving her the food, Why send her off to a certain death by the HOWLS that are closing in?

You surely think too much. Lol.

We normally see the world at the surface level but deep down no one really cares for who you're.  Even if you are 10 year old girl. No one cares.

That's what this story represents i.e. the recurring pattern of mankind, but in the shadows.

I think that'll suffice you.

BTW, thanks for reading and commenting. Really appreciate it.

YUVRAJ - Sorry I got it wrong.

Thanks for clarifying.. Makes for a better understanding of your story. Also, in that you mention; based on a vague memory of your childhood --What country you from? We had the same bad shit in my country I live in, South Africa. SAD!

I'll echo what the seniors are saying - Your writing has become noticeably improved.

I look forward to your next script.  

Hey Yuvraj,

You're writing has gotten considerably better in a short amount of time, so kudos. Still a little rough around the edges in regards to economizing your words in description and sentence structure (affecting flow of the read), but it's still an easy read.

The tone was pretty creepy and the premise is very interesting, though I'd like more clarity as to where we are, exactly. I know it's a rundown house, but is this set in a dystopian future? Or are we in a third world country? Or is this a period piece (which is what I kinda imagined in my head).

I think atmosphere and setting can be strengthened juuuust a tad. Just to add a hint of context -- not saying you need dialogue to provide us with explanation necessarily, but just by better describing the surroundings and giving us a better idea of what we're picturing (maybe some rooms are candle lit or the building is an abandoned inner city crackhouse or something).

Anyway, nice work here. No happy endings here -- it's implied that the dogs will at least confront the little girl, most likely devouring her, which sucks after that old man sacrificed himself just to feed her for a day. They should've at least given her more food to make the trade more even lol. At least when the dogs attack her, she could use some of the food to get them away from her -- which would suck, too. Starve or get torn apart by dogs?

-- Michael