SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 6:04am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Dream Job - OWC Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Dream Job - OWC  (currently 738 views)
Don
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 8:18am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Dream Job by Farch Carbone - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - With a promotion to the top of his plant-based meat company in his sights, an ambitious tech worker preps for the presentation of his life. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
A nice and dark vision of the future - I like that. Definitely has the sci-fi box checked but really lacks the horror element of the challenge.

Questions: Are Tyler and Carl just reliving a memory through VR? If they had the tech, why wouldn't they be living a fantasy high-life instead of reliving a bummer?

Good job, writer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
Gum
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Hi writer,

Cool premise, especially now that every Tom, Dick, and his Dog is working from home. Virtual integration into society, and you don’t even have to get out of your jammie’s.

One issue I’m struggling with is the title versus the final outcome; why are these two corporate stooges holed up in a piece of shit apartment if they’re supposedly working their ‘Dream Job’? I get the sense that ‘dream’ here refers to working on your own terms, but what’s the point if the pay is bunk and you’re forced to live in squalor anyway, why would Tyler or Carl give a shit if their job was on the line, doesn’t appear they’re interns with a stellar office view. There’s a concept in there that I may have overlooked.

Tyler should get into protein farming; he could live on a maggot farm and still be better off cause he’s outdoors and still going full throttle on the meatless meat angle. Now I’m just rambling.

The skyscraper. I like the idea that it’s the all watching or seeing eye for the meek down below. Seems aptly fitting, especially if we make a comparison with The Willis Tower (Formerly and informally: Sears Tower) located here: Chicago, Illinois 60606 <-- check out that freakin’ zip-code, man (666?) and then take into consideration the informal name: Sears Tower (Seers Tower), as in we are the ones who ‘see’. That’s just icing on the script-cake.

FAUX-GIE… nice, lol. And some imitation, or mock chocolate to boot; I think it’s called ‘mockolate’
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 19
Cameron
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Alrighty Farch!

Straight down to business, unlike Tyler...it was well enough written, aside from the large chunk of back and forward in the office that really didn’t go anywhere.

The futuristic elements were definitely there, kudos on creating the world, really engaging and good visuals, but on the horror front I got nothing. Not sure if that’s just me, but there wasn’t any real tension, owing largely to the build up, and we got a twist at the end rather than a sucker punch or similar horror trope.

It wasn’t bad, in fact it was good in parts, but for me it falls down on half of the parameters and the scene writing could be tightened to increase space for plot/character. What we have at the moment (IMO) is a decent sci fi drama.

All the best,

Cam
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 19
AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
This is well written and evokes the future office element really well, captures some of the corporate bullshit well too... but the ending threw me.

Are they playing a VR game, and if so why play something that dull? Re-living a memory, why one where things go wrong?

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 19
eldave1
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
The writing was pretty solid. Crisp, clean and very few errors.

I really liked some of the visuals like his shirt blending into the sky. That being said – the required change of shirts seemed odd – didn’t really add anything other than filling the page.

Liked the football toss and the dialogue – well executed.

The story, not so much. It just didn’t quite land for me.  

Not sure what the horror element was.

So, well written for sure and kudos for that.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 19
MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 6:28am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
The future of remote working! I do love this concept. I also love the dialogue and how you made it visually interesting as well with the football back and forth, very slick.

Unfortunately, there was no horror and this would cost a lot to film. The shot of him walking through an office filled with supermodels alone would blow any low budget as is, but there are many ways you can get across that this is a virtual dream job in a more streamlined manner.

The idea of an exec losing it all simply because the company has switched from plant-based food to instect is great commentary, it just feels more like a scene at the moment than a full story.

I do like this and would encourage you to expand on the idea outside the challenge.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Low budget?

Anyway, some parts of this are bold, with some interesting dynamics. But other parts felt a bit too glossy

That it was all a VR scene has some merits but needs to be played well

To me the interesting angle is the friendship - what makes a friend, how differences are accepted. How they have to adapt to the new world etc

I would almost bring that in early, even have the reveal in earlier perhaps.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
PKCardinal
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Love the world you've created. A really cool concept that, unfortunately, didn't fit the challenge. (Which, by the way, seems to be a common thing on this go 'round. I'm reading a bunch of scripts that couldn't quite pull it off... mine being one of them.)

Anyway, I did enjoy the script. I could see this as a jumping off point for something bigger.

Thanks for sharing.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 19
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
Story: Poor Tyler and Carl.  Even in a VR world, they get the raw end of the deal. Interesting story and was wondering where you were going with it, and the twist at the end I think capped the story off pretty well.  Good execution on this.

Characters: The setup for the characters here is good. We think of Tyler as sort of a cocky, self-assured business type but we find out in the end he’s just the opposite.  Same for Carl.  Pretty good development on these.

Dialogue:  Good.  Solid, snappy, hits the marks. No complaints.

Writing:  Clean, crisp, works from beginning to end. Liked it a lot.

Meeting the challenge:  After reading this I went back and looked at the challenge parameters.  Supposed to be horror and sci-fi, so if I had to ding you on anything, it’s that it lacks any horror element (except for how filthy their apartment is).  The sci-fi is there, for sure.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 19
The Moviegoer
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 6:56am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.03
Pretty good effort. Dystopian for sure. A well-worn theme of augmented/dream reality versus actual reality but handled quite astutely. Some pertinent commentary on outsourcing. Shades of Matrix, Vanilla Sky. Again not too sure about the horror aspect per se but a good story nonetheless.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 19
Pleb
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 9:49am Report to Moderator
New


Location
UK
Posts
444
Posts Per Day
0.15
I really enjoyed that. Fantastic writing too. Other than lacking the horror element I thought you did a great job. Very impressed.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
Spqr
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Very nice story. Great characters. And the virtual world was well constructed. One problem: where’s the horror? It’s disappointing what happens to Tyler and Carl, but their fate is everyday reality for many people.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 19
spesh2k
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1186
Posts Per Day
0.20
This one was okay for me. There definitely was a sci-fi aspect of this, but it was absent of horror. Might be a little pricey for a short. I'm sure a cheap office building can be made to look futuristic, some shots can be cheated. It looks like special FX will have to play a big part in production. Some can be cheap, but they often look cheap on screen.

It was an interesting twist and nice effort overall. A bleak look into the future. The writing was good, but a little prosey and detailed for my taste at parts.


Quoted Text
Cut back to Tyler now wearing a clean WHITE SHIRT. He models
it, looking like a lone cloud on the sky backdrop. Carl nods.


Probably do a...

MOMENTS LATER

Tyler now wears a clean white shirt.


To show a time lapse.

Overall, this was a nice effort. Not really for me, though.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
Dreamscale
Posted: June 9th, 2020, 10:47am Report to Moderator
Guest User



"...where, JEAN, 60, and welcoming,..." - HA!  Read this back a few times.  See what's wrong?  Every character should be given an age at intro, so the "and" is redundant here.  I had to read it several times, as I thought you had omitted another trait.

So, I'm on Page 4, about to go into the boardroom, and I'm not really sure what to say, or how to say it.  I'll do my best...

On one hand, you've somehow managed to create a futuristic world and 2 actual characters with character, which is hard to pull off.

But, on the other hand, you've probably overwritten these first 4 pages by almost an entire page.  I think 1 issue is that you seem to want to add a passage between almost every single dialogue box, which you just don't need to do.

I'll try and concentrate on the positives, and that's the characters you've created here.  They come off as real peeps and their interactions and dialogue is well done.

I don't see any glimpse of horror, though, and if you really think about it, horror is a tone, a feeling that you can see on film, and read on paper.  I don't see any horror here at all, and that's too bad.

Well, for me, everything from the boardroom to the end is a fail.  I don't get it completely, I guess, but you lost the great characterization you had going.  The writing itself isn't as good, and I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be left with.

There's no horror element here at all, and the story itself is confusing...maybe sad, but it's just not set up correctly.

I want to stress how well you wrote Tyler and Carl over the first 4 pages.

I don't want to say much at all about the final 2 1/2 pages, but I will say this is a miss, based on the complete lack of horror.

***
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006