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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Family Time
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  Author    Family Time  (currently 293 views)
Don
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Family Time by Jason K. Allen - Short, Horror - A family of four enjoys a quiet dinner around the table. But mom seems different tonight... 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: June 14th, 2020, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Hi Jason

Interesting one page read - creepy. I did not get the ending.
BROTHER
No one
at dessert.

All but for Mom are still seated at the table?

If it had read;
BROTHER
No one
for dessert?

Then I'd have got it as; After all that just happened, the focus / interest is in the apple pie that he wants a slice of.


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LC
Posted: June 14th, 2020, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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Yep, this one made my mouth gape open...

Absurdist splatter horror I'm guessing.

Jason, I also think that last line could do with a tweak.

Perhaps:

No takers for pie?
Anyone for pie?
Anyone for dessert?

Even: Pie looks good.


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