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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  ›  God Will Provide - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    God Will Provide - WT  (currently 623 views)
Don
Posted: July 6th, 2020, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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God Will Provide by The Dug - Comedy, Foam Finger, Nun, Interrogation Room.


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khamanna
Posted: July 6th, 2020, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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My second read and this one is a very good one as well.

Nicely tied together at the end. I laughed throughout.
Nice imagery of the nun - kind of edgy to see a nun there. And the dog at the end. And God will provide the answers bit - very funny.
I don't even know what to recommend here.
It's a light and super entertaining read.
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LC
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Okay, Dublin's a bit stuck out there on its own and you had room for a Superimpose and a FADE IN - maybe add a year/time period too in your next draft...

You did good overall, some funny stuff. Whew! That combo with the foam finger as object is not easy.
Speaking of, the foam finger is not utilised much, but it was also a funny punchline so all credit to you.

A fast and funny read. Very well done!


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Warren
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
Dublin.


If this is important to the story I would suggest putting it in a SUPER. This isn't an establishing shot of Dublin that some people may know from sight, it's a scene in an interrogation room.


Quoted Text
Passively in the corner stands a FEMALE COP


This reads a bit back to front to me. A FEMALE COP stands passively in the corner?


Quoted Text
(Incredulous)


Not a big deal, but generally wrylies are in lower case unless it's a name.


Quoted Text
seen as prostitute.


seen as a


Quoted Text
REILLY
Good evening Mother Superior,


Comma when addressing someone directly in dialogue, so: evening, Mother.

Done.

So there are a fair few grammar issues and some awkward writing here and there. The story didn't really do it for me. the comedy fell a bit flat. It's a hard genre, so congrats for giving it a go.

All the best.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Nun, foam finger, interrogation room - sounds like a comedy already

Good choice of genre for this bunch

I like the fact it is a tight, almost single scene, script - more five pages should be like that

There is some nice banter and Agatha is certainty not a Shrinking violet, but I’m not quite sure I always bought her, but hey is a comedy scene

A few format issues like how the hell do we know this is Dublin and a transition when the Mother superior comes in - we can forgive those.

The god will provide I actually saw coming as I’ve heard jokes like that using parrots and other animals

Anyway, bravo on pulling off a comedy and choosing that selection

Under the circumstances a good effort


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Not read any other comments...

Dublin - if that's supposed to be a location that's important then needs a SUPER, or just lose it.

I'd name the female cop as she speaks.

You need a new scene heading when Reilly speak to Mother Superior as it's a new location and when they return to the other room.

The foam finger isn't really in the story, it's just referenced - tsk, tsk.

The God will provide the answers bit didn't really work imho.

But some decent lines, certainly attempts at comedy that raised a smile.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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ajr
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

So the good - the constant references to fictional cops was funny, and having the Mother Superior do it, without the anger, was even more funny.

The rest - theme is non-existent, I didn't get the God / dog thing (could be me), and it would have been better if the foam finger was nabbed as evidence and then Agatha wrested it away from the detectives. Would have been another funny moment. As it stands, you're technically missing that one criteria.

Also, this was obviously written by a man, because the female cop's name was FEMALE COP, and her first order of business was to go get coffee. I'd clean that up on a rewrite. (0:

AJR


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JEStaats
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Okay, I'm guilty as I did read comments this time. Personally, I don't get it. The humor of God will provide flew right over my head. The dog never provides anything.

Money was definitely mentioned throughout but I don't see what made it evil. The scumbag trying to steal it? It wasn't the money's fault.

And then there's the foam finger. Present with a rim shot.

I'm not religious but I could hang with those two old broads.

Good job, writer.
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stevie
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 3:59am Report to Moderator
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Lol I read this quickly when the scripts dropped but went back and read it again just now.

Despite the numerous grammar and formatting issues, a foam finger that is just jammed in there to fit the variable, and no real attempt at the theme, this is a funny little script!  Some really good lines and it has a nice flow which is vital in comedy scenes. The 5 page limit makes it more like a sketch but its well handled. Ajr mentioned the nods to fictional detectives which I found hilarious.

Great work and prolly my fave so far.



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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That is a tough combo to pull off and I believe you did just that.

Comedy is subjective - I found some of this funny and some not. I get that the dog is God, but I don't understand how the dog will provide?

Mainly talking heads but easy to read/follow, it mainly works and is a very decent effort.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PKCardinal
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Except, God didn't provide the answers. Agatha did.

Maybe I'm being too picky, but, if the entire script hinges on a punchline, the punchline needs to work. This one didn't for me.

There were spots of humor. Good for a couple of laughs. I appreciated that, because comedy is so tough to do.

Thanks for sharing!
Paul


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
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mmmarnie
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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I think this was a couple shady characters posing as nuns to take people's money? Cute. Chuckled in a few places. Nice job.

Each time they switched rooms you needed a new slug. And properly intro mother superior.

Fun read.


boop
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Nomad
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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There should have been some sluglines in there that were missing.

Overall it was a fun read with more mystery than comedy, but I chuckled here and there.
It all sounded better in my head with Irish accents. Good job setting it there.

I thought that maybe the Agatha was dyslexic and that "God" was actually "dog" but I was close.
I was hoping for more of a payoff from the repeated phrase, but it fell flat for me.

Overall, good job.


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Spqr
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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A pair of wise-cracking nuns, some dumb cops, and a guide dog are the ingredients for an old-time entertainment, but I don’t think they work anymore, unless you throw in some violence, sex, or paranormal entities. Though there is talk about how the nuns need money, this doesn’t really touch on the theme except in the most tangential way.
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