SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 5:41am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  ›  Jessie's Girl - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Jessie's Girl - WT  (currently 1062 views)
Don
Posted: July 6th, 2020, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield - Crime, Tape Measure, Actuary, Strip Club


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Nomad
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 1:41am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
721
Posts Per Day
0.15
While you definitely hit all the criteria, the actual story was drawn out and then ended abruptly with a "twist".

All the names sounded similar: Lexi, Sunny, Jessie.
Jessie should be Jesse if it's a guy.

I thought I had a bad combination with my criteria. You definitely made the best with what you were given.


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 8:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Crime, actuary, measuring tape and strip club

That was a lot to pull off...not that they wear much !

At first I thought Jessie was a girl so that threw me

I think that was a decent effort, and a lot effort went into it. Glad I didn’t that have set of criteria.

It just felt too much, too busy etc for five pages.

A new girl arrives and is in with the son to rip off dad.

So a good stab, but could be a lot simpler and pull off the same punch IMO

Well done.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
ajr
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 8:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey writer.

Jessie's Girl. By Rick Springfield. You win.

So yeah, Nomad's right, a tough set of criteria here. Blondie, actuary is pretty evil. Not just accountant - it had to be actuary?

I wasn't a fan of how your items were used. We were sledge-hammered over the head with the actuarial stuff, and to be honest, I'm not sure what Jessie's talent for algorithms has to do with what he's doing. And I was confused on why the dancers had to pay him based on, what, their measurements? I didn't see any math taking place. The tape measure, I get, it can be sort of part and parcel for this world.

Parameters aside... I think there's only a basic story here. Strip club owner rips off his girls, and then his girls rip him off. I think where this suffers is that Sunny is a stripper for all of about 12 minutes before she decides that Max is a special kind of evil strip club owner. I'm not sure I buy the characters' motivations.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
Mr. Blonde
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 9:22am Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57

Quoted from ajr
So yeah, Nomad's right, a tough set of criteria here. Blondie, actuary is pretty evil. Not just accountant - it had to be actuary?


Yes. It had to be actuary.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
JEStaats
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62

Quoted from Mr. Blonde


Yes. It had to be actuary.


Geez, I had to look it up. I learned something today!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
JEStaats
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Again, I must've missed something because I never understood why people were paying off Jessie to begin with. I don't care how much you get paid, not many would pay for the opportunity to strip. A percentage off the take? Sure, but not arbitrary actuary assessments.

Yes, there was crime. Lots of money but a stretch to say the root of all evil. A tape measure in a strip club? That's an easy combination to contrive a story. An actuary is basically a risk analyst for an insurance company. Hmmm...I'm still confused.

Good work, writer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
Warren
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi Writer,

God damn it, I just lost all my notes for this and can't be bothered re-quoting all the bits.

Long story short, too many ellipses and some that would be better served at em dashes when interrupting dialogue.

The rest of the writing is good, pretty easy read, but the story its self really struggled to hold my attention, by page three I was losing focus.

Congrats for getting an entry in.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Meets all the criteria, though not sure that's really what an actuary does.

But it's well written, crime-comedy, so that's fine... theme - yep that too.

My only real problem is this is one of those that doesn't really work outside of the challenge, though with some tweaks it could.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
stevie
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 4:04am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Yeah this wasn't bad. ticked all the boxes but It just sort of meandered along. More of a vignette show off the variables but, hey, this tourney is a tough gig and we're all dealing with it. I actuary thought there was gonna be some one on one action but I guess the writer ran out of time lol.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 9:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
I've no idea what an Actuary is so I'll assume you covered this. All the other criteria seemed covered as well and this was a tough set of elements to include, so kudos for that.

Well written, easy to follow. Just not much meat. You spend most of the script showing us Max is leeching money and special favours from all the staff, which is pretty standard stuff. This could be a scene right out of Sopranos and that's the problem - it feels like just enough detail for a scene and not enough for a full story.

Even though the twist is right at the end, you just know it is coming as soon as his son asks him to put some cash into the safe, so no surprises there.

Nothing wrong with what you've written, it's just nothing we've not seen many times before.

Oh, and the name of the file is Prime Cups, which I think is a better name!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
khamanna
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 9:52am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hmm
The first one I see that doesn't follow the chosen genre. How's this crime? Only because it's set in a strip club?

The measurement tape is in a scene - and really I couldn't understand what you showed it for. They measure themselves in a strip club. Perhaps. But how it helps the story?

And to talk about the story - so this is about them in a stip club focusing on the money each girl has to give to DJ and three others - twenty dollars that is. And the new girl doesn't have it on her first day.
See, the problem is so small that it doesn't hold me in.

I'm sorry. I'm blunt perhaps. Crime stories set in a club are never my thing, so don't take my comment close to heart.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
Arundel
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
265
Posts Per Day
0.15
Last page was the payoff. OK,I got it then. Why does Jessie always need to say 'actuary' in his dialog? It's always popping up! Maybe unintentionally funny, but funny none the less.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
PKCardinal
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
I was confused by Jessie's gender. Had to double back.

Never did understand the basic actions in the script. He's measuring, they're paying... none of it made sense to me.

And, the only one I feel any sympathy for is Sunny. Maybe it would have worked for me if she were the only one in on the heist. But, I didn't like Jessie, so I was dissapointed that he got a payoff at the end.

Sorry. I just didn't connect with this one.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
Spqr
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
An interesting story that has potential. First, though, the author puts Jessie’s age at 35. And he’s just now putting his actuarial knowledge to use? Or did his grudge against Max for the treatment of his mother preclude him from joining his father until now?

The business of measuring the strippers’ worth by using a measuring tape is something I would have expected from a creep like Max. Surely an actuary would use something more scientific?

I don’t know what an actuary does, but I know insurance companies live or die by their accuracy. So I think it would be fun if an insurance company sent an actuary to determine the worth of individual strippers for insurance policies the strip club wants to take out on them.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006