Finding Time by Anonymous - Crime: Pocket watch, Insurance Agent, Homeless Shelter

Not a bad effort. The variables are all used quite well.  A couple of grammar errors but there was a competent feel about the writing; the writer knew what he was after and got to it. Story was slight but its dam hard to flesh out a decent story in 5 pages as we well know, lol.

I liked it but I thought you could have strengthened the emotional impact of the final act. It was a bit light-on for me, a bit too subtle. Nice though. Criteria met. The crime was there but this reads more as straight drama to me..

Not to nitpick, but one zooms in/out, tilts up/down, and pans left/right. Rather than try to "call the shot" I would recommend using REVEAL: that this is in a watch. The director will probably do it the way you envision, but might come up with something even better.

When you hear something from the next scene, use (PRE-LAP) instead of (V.O.). The only problem here is that BRIAN isn't introduced before speaking, and trying to do that will practically require jujitsu. Maybe just go with MALE VOICE (PRE-LAP) then say that voice is Brian's.

Abbreviations like Mr and Mrs should be spelled out in dialog.

All of the variables are there, though this is more properly an insurance adjuster than an insurance agent. It's fine by me since "agent" could technically be any employee or contractor of the company. The theme could be strengthened a bit by mentioning that having the police's trust is important to John's work... that puts the "blood" and the "water" into direct conflict.

The first V.O. dialogue really confused me. I didn't realize it continued on and tied into the next dialogue. Maybe the infamous and over-used ellipse would be perfect here.

Very elaborate and detailed attempt to cram into 5 pages. I bet you wish you had another 2 pages to refine this tale. You hit all the requisites and theme - well done. Some refinement would really help to clarify a couple key moments.

Nice work, writer.

Hi,

A complex script with a lot of backstory and packing an emotional punch.
Good characters, good dialogue and easily visualised.
I liked this story a lot.

Well done.

Definitely need to call the first VO out as a pre-lap. Very confusing as it sits.

And, not a criticism, as I see other people do it: ON SCREEN feels weird to me. I've seen it used by others before, but I'll never understand it. Isn't the entire script ON SCREEN? Why is this particular shot more on screen? Again, not a criticism of the script, just one of those weird screenwriting things that doesn't make sense to me. It feels redundant.

Good use of the parameters. Though, I'll agree with Frank's comment above that strengthening that link between John and the police would make the connection to the theme stronger -- more of a choice between two opposing loyalties.

Good job.

I liked this but it plays as a straight drama to me, the crime is entirely secondary and close to unneeded.

I may have missed it but is this really random chance that he's found his runaway son?

Anyway, well written effort.

Very smooth writing and hits all the criteria for me.

I felt myself drifting over the first 3 pages. Nothing much interesting occurs, but I totally get you had to set up the backstory and the discovery.

The last two pages were a good payoff, well played. I think it (like most in these challenges) would benefit for a couple more pages at least.

Nicely done.

-Mark

It's well written.

The criteria is well used in this, no stretchings whatsoever. Nice.

You may want to change one of their names - John, Mrs. Jones. Kept confusing me. Strange choice btw. Maybe you needed it, I don't know. I don't think I missed anything and the story is pretty straightforward - he helps out his son who turns out to be a suspect (or even more).

Interesting story. John is an aging insurance investigator (not agent) who plays by the rules. He didn’t flinch from sticking it to a client who defrauded the insurer because it was the only way to pay a client’s child’s medical bills.

He spends a lot of time regretting the way he treated his son, Matt, a long time ago. Then during an investigation he finds out his son is dealing drugs. He doesn’t even hesitate to give him a chance to escape the cops. This one in a million chance to make up for a past wrong is great for John, but he merely did what most parents would do, so I can’t really give him any credit for bending his ethics.

I don't know, that felt like a lot of nothing happening to get to the story in the last page and a half. It just didn't hold my attention throughout.

I think there is a story here, just needs a better set up.

There is a lot to like here, but I feel like you spent too much time on chit chat rather than getting to what was really important. Nice story idea though. With more space you can really explore these interesting characters.

So was the crime that Matt was hiding drugs? Because to me, this came across as a drama.

Best of luck.

Seems to be a Brit that wrote this - in the states, we differentiate between an insurance agent, who deals with your policy, and a claims adjuster, who would do this type of work.

And there is a "crime" that takes place, i.e., drug possession, but it's not a crime-drama, more of a straight-up drama between father and son. It's a well done one so I'm definitely taking that into consideration.

The beginning did start out slow, lots of details, which meant less interaction between father and son.

Good use of the criteria and this is definitely blood is thicker than water.

AJR

Thanks all

I have to say I was kicking myself over that beginning- what was I thinking? Such a Stupid way to annoy writers by losing them almost from the start.

Anyway, an improvement on the first one, and that’s the current strategy, get each one to be better.

Some great creativity on display amongst these entries