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Like WTF? Lol! This started off sort of complex with all this musical excellence. Then it started turning comical - I had to check if the genre was comedy. But no...it was serious.
Dunno how to feel about it. Ticks all the boxes but it veers from comedy to a bit of horror. Technically, it isn't a fantasy unless you count whats going on in the mother's head lol. Still, the writing and formatting are great, just unsure about the actual subject matter.
If I was Jeff, I'd have a field day with that header. INT. CONCERT HALL - DAY is all you need.
She lives through her music. This line is a bit iffy. I don't think it's needed. There's enough description to imply Greta's doing a stellar job. In addition, I wonder if that can really be shown.
Her only audience is her mother, Odd visual. Is there this wonderful concert, this once in a lifetime performance, and there's only one person watching? Apparently so, as it seems Meredith and Greta have the whole place to themselves. Interesting, but you should have brought this up a bit sooner.
Quoted Text
Meredith reaches for her purse and takes out a large box filled with cotton balls, rubber earbuds, old pictures and newspaper clippings.
Must be a big purse to hold a large box. Does the box have a see- through lid? (look close!) I did my best to hide every evidence of it. Yet it's all in her purse.
okay. You say it's "fantasy" but it's it leans more sci-fi and/or horror given the situation that Greta has this condition and the condition runs in the family, and that they have the place to themselves, and that they eat bugs and rats, you never say this is a post apocalypse situation, but that's the vibe I';m getting.
I admit to getting a bit confused after page two. It started out quite well, a genius with a headache practising to her mother but then it all got a bit weird to me. Her 'genius' is leaking out meaning she will no longer be a genius musician but if I read that right then I'm assuming her mothers aptitude was a 'genius' housewife who could have been a zoologist but she plugged the leak up. I may be reading this wrong but the story did confuse me. I think the characters worked well together and some of the dialogue was decent however.
Well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I liked this. Weird, gross, and fresh. Not something I would ever think of, so nicely done.
All the components and requisite items are accounted for. I can accept this as fantasy/horror and Blondie said earlier that you can have any genre fusion you want as long as the selected is primary.
Theme, though, is kind of weak but I'll let it slide as it's a mother/daughter bonding moment and she's telling her family secrets.
One issue is your dialogue needs a lot of work. Very clunky and unrealistic. It just doesn't sound natural and quite a few grammar/spelling/punctuation mistakes.
Quite a funny concept. Bizarre humor, but played straight. That's the best way. Easy to picture what's going on and could see it as a "Funny or Die" entry.
Wow, I think I just veered into David Lynch territory.
Hey, I like bizarre and out there. This line made me laugh: And mice give me gas.
And with soy sauce they are a real treat. Cracking me up.
I think some of the writing could do with some edits and I'm on the fence about the theme hitting the mark but...
Really inventive and creative with some disturbing visuals... in a good way. Fantasy, drama, comedy fusion with some body horror thrown in.
FYI: Cap Mom when it can be replaced with a name e.g. : Aw, Mom,. Aw, Diana. This one:And his mom... remains lower case cause you wouldn't say: And his Diana. Get it?
There's a lot to like about this scrip in it's creativeness and I really admire the effort to be different. The whole brains leaking the talent out of you thing is something which I don't think I've ever come across before.
It's just too wild, incoherent and all over the place at the moment. This needs some serious ironing out but this could be something like the excellent TV show Magicians if you work on it.
-Mark
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Strange but good. Hilarious that Meredith’s love of zoology turned into a love for eating zoological stuff. It fits the parameter of the week’s theme that she sacrificed her career to ensure she was by Greta’s side when the leakage started, but it would have been funnier to see what Greta’s talent would have morphed into had the leakage been allowed to occur.
Okay, so your character is a Fantasy Violin Concert Zoologist. What about the other variables?
First sentence is passive. Try active "On stage, a soloist plays..."
Okay, I have no idea what I just read.
It's stretching the bounds of fantasy to have some kind of family curse. This reads more like a horror piece (the toned-down kind of horror you could show on TV), but fine.
Well that was different. Interesting for sure though. But I was definitely confused in a few spots...like when the mom disappeared and then showed back up. And the cockroaches?
Mom's dialog felt unnatural because there was so much exposition. Maybe if you took this beyond 5 pages you'd have room to show us some history instead of telling us everything.
Pages: 1, 
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The Leak - WT2
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