Blood and Water by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as A Guy or Gal - Short, Mystery - A home invasion goes horribly wrong when a young criminal must choose between his sister or his accomplice. Writers' Tournament theme: Blood is Thicker than Water:  Using Items: Recycled Glass Bottle, Nany, Lake - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is so nicely written that it reads amazingly well.

the story is there but it's a bit sudden for me.

You covered all the components. I'm not sure if it's a mystery though. More suited to be a crime. It could also go as action. Or even thriller. See if it's a mistake, you could have marked it as crime by mistake.

Other than that nice job here.

Nicely written and well paced, but Mystery? Oh well, I'll let it slide given the challenge

The first scene is also the end, making everything else a series of flashbacks, this needs indicating as it's a little difficult to follow the timeline in places.

Definitely nailed the theme here with a very effective twist that I didn't see coming.

Good job.

This isn't a mystery, it's a crime.

With all the flashbacks, I got a little confused but did the twin brother try to kill the twin sister but she killed him instead? If so, I fail to see the Blood is Thicker than Water theme at all. There is no loyalty, no obligation to a blood relative. Blake did whatever his friend wanted, unless that is the theme, or I missed something?

Hi,

A distressing story but well written and with no happy ending, kudos for that but as previously mentioned, there is no hint of the theme, or at least no strong pointer to where the theme is supposed to be.
Clear characters, well defined and rounded within the confines of fives pages so congratulations on that.

Well done.

Hmmm...just on page two and I've timeline issues here. We go from Night to Early Evening, back to Night, and now a flashback to Earlier. Not sure all the timeline jumps were necessary.

Wait, who's Jimmy? Or did you mean Bobby?

Home invasion gone wrong. Sister kills brother and accomplice. Pretty dark. Blood is a non-factor when it comes to self preservation.

Good work, writer.

I don't think anyone ought to judge down based on theme... I think this is someone stating that: Blood, in this case, was NOT thicker than water. He followed his friend's lead rather than his sister's. My take, anyway.

Now, whether it's a mystery or crime... I won't argue that one. 'Cause it didn't feel like a mystery.

Still, a good script, well written.

Yeah a mystery doesn’t necessarily mean a crime is involved so this should be definitely labelled as crime.  But it was pretty well written despite some confusion within

Mystery: Recycled Glass Bottle, Nanny, Lake


A brother gone off the rails, what does he do when faced with a family member? Sound concept.

I think this has the potential for a container thriller - not really a mystery  - where a brother betrays a family, but as the consequences rise this is increasingly challenged.

A few too many cut between scenes for my liking as written.

Got potential

You keep expecting Blake to do the right thing, but he sinks lower and lower into abject depravity, which is really hard to do in only five pages. The script was well written and used the elements well. Though I find it hard to believe Blake chose the psycho Damian over his own sister, that’s the way it was written, and it left me wanting to know just what the hell went wrong this guy.

Great opening visual with the red and blue dancing off the bottle. Good top n tail with the bottle too.

Incase is akin to encase - should be in case.

Terrific atmosphere, though I admit to getting a tiny bit lost with the timeline at times.

More Thriller than Mystery, but the theme's there too.
Nice vibe to this. The writer definitely has chops.

P.S. Nice apt title too.

I haven't been nitpicking about criteria much but have to say...this is not a mystery. It's a crime.

The story of bro and sis, separated by addiction is very sad. But in only 5 pages to have us not see a connection between them and then 4 murders...to me it felt very abrupt.

You had some nice imagery in there...especially liked the opening scene with police lights reflected on the bottle.

Best of luck.

So definitely not a mystery... I think what the writer was going for was the reveal - that Blake and Jess are twins. But that's not a genre.

There was also a slug thing early on where we went from NIGHT to EARLY EVENING to NIGHT and I thought we were time jumping, because then we go to EARLIER, but it could have been a typo.

This is another anti-theme. My personal preference is sacrifice, not self-preservation, but I respect that some writers in this round chose to explore the other side.

And we have 4 people dead in 5 pages, and the motivations for me weren't clear. Damian's already "going down for it" because he killed the father. He's a special kind of deviant if he just wants Blake to participate instead of "doing them all"...

Actually, there may be a hint of the theme in there now that I type this - perhaps the writer was going for Blake killing the wife so that Damian wouldn't kill Jess? Which implies that Blake has recognized his sister, which he should of course... however the writer doesn't give us that moment of recognition because they are slave to the mystery element, which undermines the theme.

And the entire plot breaks down if Blake says to Damian "we can't do this house, my sister babysits here." If they live together, he should know that.

And a minor nitpick - she is a babysitter and not a nanny, which implies a live-in caregiver.

Torn on this one because it's well-written but it's ultra-violent, and the lake is cursory. There should be at least a little relevant action that takes place on it.

AJR