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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Writers' Tournaments    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  ›  Beyond the Coral Reef - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Beyond the Coral Reef - WT3  (currently 1473 views)
Don
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Beyond the Coral Reef by Steve Zissou - Toothbrush, Scoutmaster, Aquarium - Short, Mystery


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stevie
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 4:49am Report to Moderator
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I started reading this but its turned into a fantasy.  I can let ones that veer between crime and mystery go, but not ones like this.  



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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This is more fantasy than mystery and it is right out of Finding Nemo. You even give the shark an Australian accent!

Well written and you have a knack for animation stories for sure, I laughed at "Oh my cod" and an interesting take on the nature v nurture theme. It ends abruptly with the kids just popping out of the cave which is understandable due to the page count restriction.

The toothbrush is really shoehorned in, or shoefished!

Very creative but I think others have tried much harder to make the genre and elements fit, whereas this feels like an existing script which has been altered to include the elements.

-Mark


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Steve Zissou reference on title page, winner already

I'm not sure why people have an issue with animated cross-genre scripts, especially in this challenge, animated isn't a genre it's a filming technique... e.g. Akira is SciFi, The Incredibles is Superhero, How to Train Your Dragon is Fantasy.

So an animated Mystery involving fish in an Aquarium, yep okay I'm fine with that, could do with a bit more mystery but 5 pages doesn't suit some genres easily.

Toothbrush wasn't integral enough for me, but minor niggle as I like the script overall, and the aquarium is a universe you could set all sort of scripts in.

Good effort




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PKCardinal
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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There's quite a bit to like in this script, but I can't help feeling robbed a bit. It feels like the page count was a brick wall. Like the writer hit page 5 and went, "Well, I better wrap this up. Boom --kids found."

I like how you handle the transition in and out of the world. Nicely done.

The mystery element is extremely light, but, in light of this torture-fest of a tournament, I'll give you space to work.

You've created a fun little world, even if we've seen much of it before. Thanks for sharing!


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JEStaats
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I found this to be a bit scattered and, for me, hard to follow. I guess I'm simple because I had to keep thinking which one's the turtle, who is the Ray, etc. I just wasn't focused enough to get into it and found myself skimming.

There really wasn't any mystery either since we, the reader/viewer, knew where the kids were. Stuck in a hole. So we knew Henry didn't eat them.

And the toothbrush...insert prop here. Check.

Sorry, this just wasn't for me.
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LC
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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Oh, my cod
And: Born in/to be wild

Some nice funny touches and it looks like you put effort in.

I've never watched Finding Nemo so I don't know how similar the actual narrative is. There can surely be lots of underwater stories told.

An Aussie accent, well, I'll be the judge of that.  

Reads like an underwater adventure to me more than mystery.
Light on the elements.
Not bad. Certainly a lot packed into 5 pages. Mystery is a tough one.


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Arundel
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't sure how to picture this. I thought maybe as an animated short. Elements were used pretty well. Toothbrush was a stretch but it still worked. Good family fare theme.
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Geezis
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Would work well as an out and out comedy scene as there is little mystery in the story but some really good visuals and good dialogue.
Definitely one for the kids but well written and enjoyable.

Well done.


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Spqr
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Super creative effort and a lot of fun. And a good job delineating the individual characters. I found that the theme was a little muddled, though. Henry’s nature as a shark is to eat everything it sees, but incarceration has tempered his natural inclinations. Which is great for Dottie and her fellow scouts. However, to drive the point of the theme home (and ruin the happy ending), Henry should have gone ahead and lunched down on Troop 27.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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Toothbrush, Scoutmaster, Aquarium - Short, Mystery

mystery is hard, especially in five pages. But you took us to a different world, one lurking in plain view.

Look, yes so much reminded me of finding nemo, but you did put your own spin with the aquarium and fact they are all in the end 'institutionalised'

the question posed, are the fish born to be what they were meant to be or could they vary with the conditions - nature v nurture

I actually thought the toothbrush and the shark, whilst limited, was quite good.

oh my cod - nice line

nice effort for the time


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ajr
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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So for me, this wasn't a mystery. We know where the kids are the entire time - a mystery is something that hides from the audience and is revealed slowly as we travel through the story...

I think it was light on theme as well. A shark born in the wild doesn't eat the kids because he's been raised in an aquarium, where he's well fed each day. Sharks are not evil, per se. They are the ocean's trash collectors. They eat to survive, and survive to eat. And I think the fluffiness of this piece and the supposition that this can only be filmed or imagined as animation sort of undermines your premise even more. We would expect the shark not to eat the cute turtles and manta rays.

I'm not your audience here - for example, you start with live action and then we go into the aquarium world and my literal brain is asking "why don't the visitors see that the officer fish is wearing pants?" - however I can see this for what it is, a light, fun FINDING-NEMOish visually pleasing exercise that is, however, light on story elements.

AJR


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khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Lost kids got found - mystery enough for me.

I went through the comments - I would call it in a wake of Finding Nemo and Shark's Tale cause both are family oriented animations. But not reminiscent of any.

So, very nice little adventure. Toothbrush makes sense - cause it makes it looks like Henry ate the kids. The theme is there - Henry has been "institutionalized" in his own words.

It juked for me when the kids got lost. You don't show their fear, you jump right to the ones who are looking for them. I also thought that you could rid of the seekers some - your main characters are kids and Henry, let it be more about them.

Nice story

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khamanna  -  July 22nd, 2020, 11:22am
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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All-around Finding Nemo vibes. Especially the beginning. Nice light-hearted story. Or maybe I'm missing the cue here. Maybe?

Good luck.  


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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It's a mystery to me why I think this is more animation ...but...yeah. It does have an effect.
Not exactly sure if an animated Scoutmaster fish named Scott counts, or that there's any suspense in the sharks (they are trained to leave other fish alone) but again...it is animated.

I don't know if it hits the theme, but mystery it isn't. Scoutmaster is iffy but I'll give you a small pass. Aquarium is the general location. Toothbrush after thought but effective for animation. As a short animation, this is written just fine. No real issues. I'll give you some props for thinking outside of the box er I mean tank,    


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