The Quick Way Down by John Wain - Spork, Sky Diving Instructor, Drive-in - Short, Horror

All variables used very well and definitely nailed the theme. I did forget that it was a horror...understandably that came in late but I didn't get that Alisha had that in her from what you showed us in the first 3 pages.

Anyway, written very well and excellent use of all variables...which were a bizarre mish mosh of things. Nice work, writer.

If there was ever a chance that I'd leap out of a perfectly good airplane, it's gone now

It took a while for the horror part to start, but no one would notice that if the piece was expanded in a rewrite.

Valiant effort getting a completely unrelated set of variables to work together.

Hangar, not hanger.
Jeepers, I'm like the typo police.

Well, that was entertaining and original - horror in the skies while parachuting.
Another entry that spells out the theme in dialogue, not necessarily a bad thing.

Nice landng to incorporate the other element too.

So, the horror doesn't kick in until reasonable late, but no issue with that as you then have flying monsters!

Alisha opening a vortex to summon them so she could win... sorry that needs more setup, I almost missed it entirely.

There's a couple of awkward sentences but other than that this moves along at a good pace, builds nicely and ends with some great visuals.

Good job.

The set-up was really drawn out; I suppose to weave (shoehorn) in the need for a spork? The drive-in was just a location and could've been anywhere. If it was a bit more pivotal, it's be cool. So many B-movies from the '50's used it perfectly. I hear rumor that drive-ins may have a resurgence in the near future? Sign me up!

I was really diggin' the story right up to the last line of dialogue. I don't get it. How/why would he think Alisha had anything to do with flying gremlins from the sky?

Quite a few grammar and punctuation mistakes that are easily fixed.

Overall, enjoyed it. Good work, writer.

Mixed on this one.  Was sort of cool but feel too forced with the use of the variables (which were shite I agree lol)

I was intrigued by what the peeps did for 8 hours between lunch and the jump?  Anyway a good effort but we needed some more backstory though the 5 page limit makes that tough.

I don't know what Sean was thinking when he gave you a sky-diving instructor and a spork. these are hard and weird. And hard.

I really liked the descriptions you went for. And the fact you kept it simple. It was an easy and quick read.

Why did she do that though? I mean, I know she wanted to win, but shouldn't there be like a bigger reason to murder these many people. Or maybe she didn't think it through when opening the vortex (whatever that means)
so, that's my gripe.

But nice writing and colorful descriptions. And good use of variables. And the theme is here too.

Cliffhanger, maybe? Or ran out of space. Was curious to see how this would unfold.

Rarely do I say such things but perhaps this would be better served starting in the plane. That would leave out a lot of backstory. Overall, good. The dialog at the beginning read a little clunky, but I enjoyed the skydiving visuals.

The spork really kills the setup. You have to have the spork in so they spend a while chatting about salad, therefore this doesn't feel like a horror or entertaining until the actual skydive, which is way too late, but what choice did you have?

The dive itself is great as are the demon things. The problem is her godlike powers come in out of left-field and I'm left with the question if she has such powers, why does she need to parachute at all?

This needs a better setup but the idea is great and I think it would flourish outside the confines of this week's challenge.

-Mark

The spork killed this short before it had a chance to fly. Given that, it would have been better to reset and try a different angle. But, maybe you flat didn't have the time.

The last line comes out of nowhere. Very confusing as it sits. In hindsight, I get what you were going for, but if you do a rewrite, kill the spork and set up the payoff instead.

I love the idea of something attacking a group of skydivers. Though, getting someone to film a short with that setup would be a real challenge. Still, it's a cool scene that could be part of a bigger project. If you don't rewrite this, keep the idea in your back pocket. It could be useful for you down the road.

Great job completing the 5-week challenge!

Quoted from PKCardinal The spork killed this short before it had a chance to fly. ...but if you do a rewrite, kill the spork and set up the payoff instead.

I think the spork could be a unique weapon (sporks made of steel exist) so don't 'kill the spork', kill WITH the spork!  

Quoted from JEStaats I think the spork could be a unique weapon (sporks made of steel exist) so don't 'kill the spork', kill WITH the spork!

They're called Splayds here (Aussie invented) - combo fork, knife, and spoon. Making a comeback here as retro Wedding gifts - only in Stainless Steel, of course. Could definitely do some damage as a weapon.

Yeah, this got started late. almost 60% of this is dialogue and setup before the horror comes in. I do feel that you had time to get it in and still save space.

Agreed, you were a slave to the spork instead of setting up Alisha as some sort of malevolent witch with undetermined powers.

I do think it's light on theme given that Alisha is somehow magical. She wouldn't need to "win at all costs" if she was that powerful.

And why turn on Lance suddenly? Isn't this her boyfriend? Now, in order to win, she's willing to condemn him to monsters?

I'm left with a lot of questions here, it will be interesting to hear the writer's thought process after the challenge.

AJR