Sell It Sally by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Saul Goodman - Short, Comedy - A down on her luck, estate agent resorts to flogging individual car parking spaces in a desperate bid to make a sale. Encouraged to think outside the box, Sally expands her range of potential customers to include some unsavoury and quirky characters.

Theme: Winning at any cost: Items: Skateboard, Estate Agent, Parking Garage - pdf format

You open in an Unknown Location and then don't describe anything, so is her opening speech in a vacuum of nothingness? I get that it's a comedy but kinda should have an initial setting. The next heading is then a CONTINUOUS, from the vacuum?

And yet it seems we're just in a parking garage, so the first heading can just say that and lose nothing... anyway.

Tough criteria, but you managed to get them in, and some of the montage stuff was genuinely funny!

Not sure about the theme here, as she's selling at any cost, but it's the final round so I'll let it slide.

Good job.

airing on the side of unkempt Is that a bad pun or is auto-correct getting the better of you?
Erring, perhaps?

Okay, 'unknown location' but then the parking garage is Continuous?
Few typos which I won't point out... Ah, okay, just 'passed' where it should be 'past', just in case you're not aware, which you probably are...

Not terrifically fond of some of the asides. Comedy's a tough one where it concerns people being the butt of jokes. And though some comedic protags are definitely not likeable I had a bit of a hard time liking her unlikeable character.

Theme definitely covered cause she's determined to win/sell at any cost.
Elements all there.

It was amusing. Strongest part was the montage.

I say unknown location should be an exterior shot. Otherwise it would be apartment, or confined construction or something.

And I aplaud you for taking it easy and writing something fun. But what you had was a comedy, so what else could you write with that and these variables.
I never saw agents sell parking spaces, and agents sell like that but everything goes in a comedy.

The worker at the beginning and end - nice move. That's what made this short a complete thought for me.

A montage...dammit!! I mean...fuckity fuck fuck! I need to remember that for next time, especially with mystery genre.

Any whooo...I liked this and lol'd a couple times. Funniest bit for me was graphically showing hooker how she could use the space. The concept of selling parking spaces is pretty funny.

I think you did a really good job here, writer. I was definitely entertained.

That's a weird intro: Unknown location and an urban nomad? How do you film that? Okay, you just made up for that with 'penis flytrap'. Is Jeff your ghost writer? Nice job with the hooker, too.

OMG. Why did I like this?! It wasn't laugh out loud funny but definitely humorous.

You nailed all the requisites and the theme. Good job, writer.

Loved this. Took awhile to get going but then was very clever in the concept and planning. Excellent stuff

First rule of comedy: If you have to explain it, it ain't funny.

Okay - I got the comedy of it, but more in the visuals than the dialogue. Seems like there's some potential for some bawdy slapstick in the montage stuff there. Yeah it accomplishes what you intended, but there are probably more interesting ways to do it. I'll just be blunt and say I can't think of anything. Best of Irish luck!-ghostiegirl.

This was amusing, I definitely chuckled a couple of times, so great job there.

It's definitely win at all costs and you used the elements, and told a complete story.

You tripped me up at the beginning though with UNKNOWN LOCATION and then you followed it up with a CONTINUOUS with Sally in both scenes, which means she went from one location to the other seamlessly, so we - or at least you, the writer - should know where she is. I have a feeling you had to chop something last minute, and the beginning got a little confused.

Otherwise, really good job at telling a cute story.

AJR

Wild set of parameters and you brought them in, so kudos for that.

A couple of good laughs in here. Love the concept of a real estate agent struggling so bad they're down to selling parking spaces.

Good job all around.

Estate agents are akin to lawyers and used car salesmen and should be made to suffer at all costs. But my personal opinions aside this story made me laugh, had a few funny lines and some nice visuals.

Well done.

Cheers to all the reviews and nice comments. I had fun writing this.

I could do with some advice. At the beginning I wanted a close up of Sally when she does her sales pitch and we don't know the location, but I wanted to avoid a CLOSE UP camera shot in the action.

Then the camera pans back and we find out she's not selling a house,  she's selling a car park space. So I started with UNKNOWN LOCATION in the scene header but that seemed to confuse everyone. So how should I handle this?

Loved this, Mark. It took a page or so to get going then it was damn funny. Good job!

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I could do with some advice. At the beginning I wanted a close up of Sally when she does her sales pitch and we don't know the location, but I wanted to avoid a CLOSE UP camera shot in the action. Then the camera pans back and we find out she's not selling a house,  she's selling a car park space. So I started with UNKNOWN LOCATION in the scene header but that seemed to confuse everyone. So how should I handle this?

Man, this is a tough one. I keep looking at it, trying to think what I'd do. I think starting with the close up might be your only option, besides the way you handled it.

I understand your reluctance, but I just can't think of another way.

Of course, if this is filmed, it doesn't matter at all. It'll open exactly how you describe, and it'll work.

I'll keep thinking... because there's gotta be a way...

Could you have her hunkering down, pointing at the tarmac and saying something like "and along with all the amenities I've already covered, we have this you very own..." then she gets to her feet to reveal it's a parking garage?