Wither by James Williams  - Horror - Five years after a zombie outbreak has eradicated most of earth’s human population, a woman and her one year old son race north in search of safety as a genius who infected himself stalks them. 89 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for posting this, Don.

I don't think I've posted a script here since 2016. This was something I've worked on over the past year, in between my little no budget short film projects. To be honest I lose all perspective when I write like that so I have no idea is this thing's any good or not. So I was hoping to get a couple of reads and some honest feedback. Maybe I can pinpoint some glaring issues.

We've actually just wrapped shooting the first sequence of this. I was hoping to make a sort of "Proof of Concept" film with it. Either way it was a tiny production with just a few characters which made it perfect for shooting under COVID restrictions. It was work, but it was fun. The script called for winter, but we shot this over the summer. It made things much easier.




If anyone wants a return read just PM me and I'll be happy to. Thanks for taking a peek in advance.

James

James,

Been meaning to get to this for a while.  I like a zombie/apocalypse concept so I thought I’d take a look and the set-up worked to hook me in.  It reads fast; writing is effortless and puts me right in the scene.  I got a good sense of the world you’ve created; where we are and who we’re with throughout.

It feels familiar enough for the genre—characters scavenging their way through a post-apocalyptic landscape not knowing whom to trust.  That’s not a criticism; it’s kind of expected and creates a heightened sense of tension alongside immediate stakes of protecting the baby (although on this note it’s hard not to draw comparisons with Cargo).  I’m writing this in mind that you’re filming this yourself (unless I’m misunderstanding?) with minimal budget so the story choices make sense for the limited resources.

There’s enough mystery in those early scenes to keep me wanting to know more about how the world got this way and see Talia’s struggle to navigate it.  The appearance of Dane and setting the trap raises questions and keeps that mystery going.

The scene where Dane gets bitten: what if you didn’t go straight to him waking up (as ‘something much worse’) but held that moment over to keep us guessing?  Seems like an opportunity to tease that moment out a bit more.

The hide box - I like this.  Talia dragging this contraption around with her like some casual baby accessory.  There’s a morbid logic to it and no doubt a foreshadowing of things to come.  In hindsight, I’m not sure it paid off to the extent it could have done.  The scene where they fear Gavin might turn felt a bit too safe/controlled and I didn’t get the feeling of urgency that Finn might not be freed in time.  For one, we’ve not really experienced anyone ‘turning’ in this world yet (except Dane, and that was fairly tame and deliberate).  We don’t know how bad it could be—although I guess there’s an argument that says that could heighten the tension?  My understanding was that some people are bitten and turn quickly; others turn slowly and become cannibals, hunting down the living while retaining their faculties; and then others (Talia) can be bitten but seem to be able to control it for a time.  I wonder if your own rules are working against you somewhat in this scene?

Not to say it isn’t believable within the world you’ve created.  I like the reasoning behind it—thicker insulation around the neurotransmitters slows the virus, preventing it from penetrating the brain as quickly in smarter people.  At least that’s what I took from this. Hence Talia is also super smart and holding out as best she can following a bite.  Can’t help but think there’s also a great opportunity for satire in here…

The hide box is used again a little later at the outset of Talia’s 'last stand', but it felt more of an aside that never paid off.  In short, it’s a good device, but feels underused.

P.52-3 - at the daughter’s grave.  Nice reveal—parallels with the hide box and Talia’s potential dilemma.  That said, how does this scene play if you cut back Talia’s dialogue and let Norman’s reveal do the heavy lifting?  Her dialogue came across a bit pep talk—almost condescending to a man of Norman’s experience.  This is a guy who has lived her worst nightmare.

Talia—her goal and relationship with Norman and family works for me.  I got a good sense of who they were and the hardships/dilemmas they faced.  Dane is where I have a harder time and if I’m honest the whole showdown felt a bit flat.  I was expecting some deeper connection between him and the other characters—particularly Talia—but it remained only surface level.  He meets them on P.56 and barely one scene later, by P.68, his plan (although I’m not sure exactly what it was) has quickly unravelled and he’s dispatched a few scenes later.

That’s not to say it’s not a good scene (when they first let Dane into the cabin)—that’s where this idea is strongest; those confined moments when no-one is sure whom to trust.  He felt sinister in those smaller moments.  I’m just not sure I understood what his bigger goal was, which is where you might benefit from making the connection more personal—more immediate—he only has a limited amount to time as well.

I’m not sure I could buy into his desire to become one of the undead and help finish off humanity (wouldn’t he have only a limited time before going full zombie?) though I respect you tried to play on his upbringing and toxic relationship with his mother to give us a sense of his inner demons.

Anyways, the above is what stood out as I read this.  Feel free to ignore - it's only one opinion.  It’s a fast read (maybe the story unfolds a little too fast towards the end), and I like what you’re aiming for—a small struggle for survival playing out against an apocalyptic backdrop.  Good title too—I’m all for pithy titles.  I hope you can get some more feedback on this and I’m happy to elaborate/clarify anything if you want.

Best of luck with it,

Steve

Steve,

Huge thanks for reading this and the detailed notes. When this thing dropped through the portal like a rock in water I thought everyone just turned their nose at the log line, which needs work still.

I'm not filming this entire thing, we've shot the first 10 pages which turned into an eighteen minute short film. It's definitely a director's cut. I'll post it here eventually, but I'm having a go at a few festivals with it for now.

I do not have the know-how or money to make a feature like this. If I ever make one on my own dime it would have to be a single location type of shoot.

Quoted from stevemiles The scene where Dane gets bitten: what if you didn’t go straight to him waking up (as ‘something much worse’) but held that moment over to keep us guessing?  Seems like an opportunity to tease that moment out a bit more.

Good suggestion. I like that idea, but I also wanted the audience to be shocked a bit when he didn't just turn into a feral monster at the time. It's when I show I've changed the zombie rules a bit.

Quoted from stevemiles The hide box - I like this.  Talia dragging this contraption around with her like some casual baby accessory.  There’s a morbid logic to it and no doubt a foreshadowing of things to come.  In hindsight, I’m not sure it paid off to the extent it could have done.

Very good point. When I imagined the hidebox I realized a created a great tension tool that I didn't really put to good use. It was more a way of showing how they've survived this long with a kid you just can't control. I'm working on implementing an intense scene with time running out while he's locked inside.

Quoted from stevemiles The scene where they fear Gavin might turn felt a bit too safe/controlled and I didn’t get the feeling of urgency that Finn might not be freed in time.  For one, we’ve not really experienced anyone ‘turning’ in this world yet (except Dane, and that was fairly tame and deliberate).  We don’t know how bad it could be—although I guess there’s an argument that says that could heighten the tension?  My understanding was that some people are bitten and turn quickly; others turn slowly and become cannibals, hunting down the living while retaining their faculties; and then others (Talia) can be bitten but seem to be able to control it for a time.  I wonder if your own rules are working against you somewhat in this scene?

Any time you start messing with a proven genre trope you can get caught on your own world rules. When Talia and Norman spend their last few hours together she comments on how the plague has evolved over the last couple of years. It used to only take seconds to turn someone and now it's several minutes. Like it's mutating to give humanity a fighting chance. Dane turned and still retains his intellect, but he's blood thirsty. I tried to address why Talia wouldn't eat her own son with the accident she had. Losing her ability to taste food, a rare but possible side effect, makes her a very rare exception to the rule. I hope that makes sense.

Quoted from stevemiles P.52-3 - at the daughter’s grave.  Nice reveal—parallels with the hide box and Talia’s potential dilemma.  That said, how does this scene play if you cut back Talia’s dialogue and let Norman’s reveal do the heavy lifting?  Her dialogue came across a bit pep talk—almost condescending to a man of Norman’s experience.  This is a guy who has lived her worst nightmare.

I've been chewing on that moment for awhile. I don't like what Talia says at that moment and I'm definitely going to change it. It does feel like she's making it more about herself all of the sudden. Glad it wasn't just me that saw a problem there.

Quoted from stevemiles Dane is where I have a harder time and if I’m honest the whole showdown felt a bit flat.  I was expecting some deeper connection between him and the other characters—particularly Talia—but it remained only surface level.  He meets them on P.56 and barely one scene later, by P.68, his plan (although I’m not sure exactly what it was) has quickly unravelled and he’s dispatched a few scenes later.

I thought about making him the one that killed her husband and he's chasing her, but then I lose that dramatic irony when he shows up at the cabin. His motives still need a little work. He infected himself because he's a coward, alone, starving. He didn't want to spend his final days in fear. He's one of those people teetering on the edge of being a murderer their whole lives who just needed a little push.

We spend so much time with him for one reason, to get the kid off screen. I know it's not great story telling, but honestly every scene you shoot with a one or two year old takes ten times as long and sometimes you just need to pack it up with nothing and try again tomorrow. Whether it's me filming it or a Hollywood studio, it's still the same amount of difficulty.

Quoted from stevemiles Anyways, the above is what stood out as I read this.  Feel free to ignore - it's only one opinion.  It’s a fast read (maybe the story unfolds a little too fast towards the end), and I like what you’re aiming for—a small struggle for survival playing out against an apocalyptic backdrop.  Good title too—I’m all for pithy titles.  I hope you can get some more feedback on this and I’m happy to elaborate/clarify anything if you want.

Definitely not ignoring these notes at all. It's the type of feedback I was hoping for. This is a first draft and it reads like one. It's still in its construction phase.

Thanks again, I owe you some reads for sure. I see you have your own script hosting site. Nice.  

James

Looks like I got the wrong end of the stick, thought you were aiming to make this yourself. No worries.

I think I failed take in the part with Talia’s loss of taste.  It makes sense within the context but is quite nuanced.  Though I respect the more overt you make it the more you risk giving away the main twist.

I had assumed Dane would be somehow connected to the death of Talia’s husband but I can see how you lose that dramatic irony if there’s a past connection.  Maybe there’s a way of building on that tension—really ramping it up?  I’m not sure I got that Dane was doing it out of cowardice.  I recall he appeared scared at the outset but after the bite (to me) he felt more an insecure bully looking for one last power-trip.

For a first draft it held me right to the end which is no bad thing.  Good luck with it.  If you need a read further down the line just let me know.

Steve

We shot the first 10 pages of this script last year during the summer. Here it is if anyone wants to give it a watch. That's my son in there. Ironically, the actress who plays his mom has the same last name but is of no relation.

I had plans to shoot much more of this but Covid made it impossible to do an interior cabin shootout that we wanted to do. It would've been way too many people in tight quarters. So we just filmed the opening and told much of the story through voice over. This was meant to be a proof of concept, but I had to narrate the concept more than I could show it.

I did rewrite this script based on the great notes I've gotten from Stevenmiles, but I haven't linked it up here yet. The old draft follows this film much more closely than the newer draft.

Anyhow, if anyone wants to shoot some feedback on it I'd love to hear your thoughts.

James

Very nice work, James!

The kid is a natural!   How'd you get Finnegan to say, No! - right on cue?  

I was thinking when we got to the barn that when she started running she was going to secure him in the fridge/vault, and then take on the undead breaking loose, but then I read afterwards what your original plan was. Obviously it was a big disappointment that Covid got in the way of your full plans but you managed to put something together that's pretty impressive. A little low-key perhaps, and at a slower pace and urgency than I might have expected in parts, but I presume that you were working with the limitations you had. Was it a choice to film with a pretty washed out palette so when the blood and gory stuff kicks in it's a great contrast?

Some beautiful camera work. The sunset, the river shot. What do you use?

How did you get the beautiful opening and closing aerial shots? Just curious.
Was that weapon a nail gun she was using? She appeared to dispose of the undead quite easily.

You'll likely draw comparisons with Cargo (as Steve said) and your contraption/fridge to hide the child may well now draw comparisons with the case used for the baby in A Quiet Place 2. The difference with yours is that you have a nice ticking clock before oxygen is depleted (cause no air going in) so no doubt this will work well to create suspense.

The ending voice-over really piqued my interest.
Ah, so she will soon turn herself, but at the moment appears normal?

Anyway, like I said, really impressive work.
I always look forward to pressing Play on your latest.

News from James: "

We filmed part of [the] [...] feature [...] "Wither"...

James, we finally caught this tonight and... just... wow. Awesome. Great casting your son. Hope we get a chance to check out the rest of the film someday, but good luck in the meantime.A&R

Thanks for the mention, Don!

Quoted from LC How'd you get Finnegan to say, No! - right on cue?  [/quote=LC] Several takes. He did great in the backpack, but when he was free to roam he just kept taking off. He doesn't like to sit much. [quote=LC]I was thinking when we got to the barn that when she started running she was going to secure him in the fridge/vault, and then take on the undead breaking loose, but then I read afterwards what your original plan was. Obviously it was a big disappointment that Covid got in the way of your full plans but you managed to put something together that's pretty impressive. A little low-key perhaps, and at a slower pace and urgency than I might have expected in parts, but I presume that you were working with the limitations you had.

I wanted this to "feel" like the start of a feature, so the slow pacing was deliberate.

Quoted from LC Was it a choice to film with a pretty washed out palette so when the blood and gory stuff kicks in it's a great contrast?

I first had a nice saturated look to it all, but pulled the colors back just to set more of a tone. My original thought was that without humans anymore earth would be even greener, skies bluer. But it just didn't fit the feel of the film having so much color in it.

Quoted from LC Some beautiful camera work. The sunset, the river shot. What do you use?

Canon C200. Its a decent cinema camera for low budget indie folks.

Quoted from LC How did you get the beautiful opening and closing aerial shots?

I bought a drone last year. The image is nowhere near as nice as my full time camera or hollywood drones, but it can fool most people. I try to use it sparingly. I see filmakers get their first drone and shoot aerial shots for everything.

Quoted from LC Was that weapon a nail gun she was using? She appeared to dispose of the undead quite easily.

It's a cattle stunner. I got it ebay and gutted it. It runs on gunpowder cartridges. I replaced it with heavy duty springs. So it's like what Anton Chigur used in No Country but it's spring loaded and quiet. In all honesty though, if I wanted it to be able to actually penetrate a skull the springs would have to be so strong that she could never cock it. Suspension of disbelief at work here.

Quoted from LC You'll likely draw comparisons with Cargo (as Steve said) and your contraption/fridge to hide the child may well now draw comparisons with the case used for the baby in A Quiet Place 2. The difference with yours is that you have a nice ticking clock before oxygen is depleted (cause no air going in) so no doubt this will work well to create suspense.

Right. The ticking clock is a nice tension tactic that I didn't explore properly in the original draft. That's been brought up as a missed opportunity I'm working on.

Quoted from LC The ending voice-over really piqued my interest. Ah, so she will soon turn herself, but at the moment appears normal?

Yes, She's infected. She's marking days on her book to keep track since she was bitten. In the script the audience doesn't learn that until the climactic battle, but I needed to toss it in here as part of the concept. She has limited time to get her son to safety before she becomes a feral flash eater. Part of the concept is that a small percentage of the infected can keep their intelligence for a short amount of time. Making them even more dangerous... Or heroes.

Quoted from LC Anyway, like I said, really impressive work. I always look forward to pressing Play on your latest.

Thanks for always pressing play, Libby. I appreciate your thoughts on it.

Quoted from _ghostwriters James, we finally caught this tonight and... just... wow. Awesome. Great casting your son. Hope we get a chance to check out the rest of the film someday, but good luck in the meantime.A&R

Thanks, Ghosties. I'm glad you two enjoyed it. I hope to be able to film more of it too, but Finn is already a year older now and kids change a lot in a year at that age. This is probably all that will happen with it unless I can get it funded, in which case we would probably start from scratch.

James

Cool story  reminds me of a quiet place a mother protecting her child in a rural forest only the husband is the zombie stalker. but yea it would make a great IFC Flick for sure, Great job check out my  werewolf script feral skin. cool concept kudos on the short film.

Hey Art,

Thanks for checking it out. If you’re referring to the script it’s not actually her husband stalking her. It’s just a mad man who was sick of running from zombies so he infected himself. I’ll take a look at your feature when I get some free time.

James.