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The Knock, Knock, Ginger poem adds dimension to this. Well done adding that.
Very creepy and based on the universal prank of knocking and running.
It's a clean read, nothing really pulled me up. I suppose I just wanted a bit more... Maybe with the kids? So that when the real evil comes and does him in the rug is pulled out a bit more for an audience. Perhaps consider at the top he finds the kids amusing to create a bit more light and shade and dimension to Matt's character.
As is, Matt's a grumpy arse (surprised he was late forties btw) and the phone call attests to that. Might adding to him being not such a bad guy make us feel it a bit more when he finally cops it?
The baker came out to give 'im a clout And landed on his back. Split that line maybe? After, The Masked Man raised the blade high. Raised should be raises btw.
Anyway, we all know Short Horror sells, and it's all here without any changes. I think I just wanted a bit more light and shade with Matt's character.
Nasty guys getting their just desserts is tried and tested. Nice Guys at the end of their tether makes us feel it more perhaps?
Are you writing a long version of this?
Won't be at all surprised this gets picked up pronto. Will be staying tuned in. G'luck!
I believe I’ve read this before. OWC maybe? Anyway, this is good slasher fun. However, the one thing I’d add is to have the man know who the kid is ringing his doorbell. Like, he actually sees him running away. Then, when the killer appears at the door, the first thing the man sees is the boy with his throat cut or something. Then the killer does what he does. Anyway, that’s just what I’d do. Works fine as is!
Agree with Libby. Can def see this getting picked up!
I was also thinking maybe something is left on Matt's doorstep... Perhaps it appears to be a peace offering from the kids, or it could be just a weird messing with you calling-card. Something nice however might serve to lull him and the audience into a false sense of security before the nasty stuff takes effect.
Now that u mention it, a short scene of the killer menacingly saying his rhyme while backing up the man into the house, coming towards him, would also add some nice suspense and tension.
Libby, good idea about making Matt actually finding the kids prank amusing at first. As for his age, I've changed it quite a few times. Originally he was in his late fifties, I think. lol
I do have an idea for an expanded version of this, where we follow the masked man as he moves on to the next house. Not sure how, but I'd have the next would-be victim flip the table on the masked man.
Steven, gnarly idea about killing off the original pranksters. That never crossed my mind! Maybe instead of throwing a rock through the window, the masked man throws one of the dead kids! Lol
Faisal, glad you think it has the potential to grow into something more.
BTW, I think this should be in the short horror section.
It’s funny you mention he was originally in his late 50s. I read this and saw a scene with him shaking his fist and thought, gee, like an old dude might do something like that. Not a 48 yo.
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Ding Dong Ditch
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