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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Safety - OWC Moderators: LC
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Don
Posted: September 18th, 2020, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Safety by Mr. Bond - Short, Sci Fi - When a strange package appears at the door, a couple are at odds about what to do with it.

Prompt: A mysterious parcel is delivered to your house. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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Meets the parameters, just the ending comes out of left-field too much for me. I also don't' know why Keith was spared, it mentioned he's subservient but I don't get how the sphere came to that conclusion.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Fais85
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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As Mark already mentioned, how does the sphere know that Keith is subservient?

It would have been cool if the sphere was revealed a little earlier and then it was continuously testing both of them with different methods.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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I guess if aliens invade earth and only leave behind the husbands who do everything their wife tells them to, I'll be safe.

This was written well enough. I think it stalls a bit when they're reminiscing about their past, Vegas and her 20th. Other than that it's a decent entry that seems to follow the parameters. I just think if you kept the conversation to an argument of whether or not to open this box it would've made it better.

James


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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The story was good but didn't get the ending.  


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eldave1
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
KEITH (20s), button down short sleeve shirt, beige slacks, brown belt, type furiously on his laptop at the dining table.


Types – not type

KEITH is really over the top paranoid about this box (e.g., wanting to call the police, etc). Will wait to see if it is warranted. …okay, read on – dude is naturally paranoid.


Quoted Text
STACY
That’s weirdly specific.


Loved that line
Parameters clearly met – congrats.

The story doesn’t do it for me – it just kind of ends and it is not the type of story that lends to clever dialogue in the first place – you set yourself up a difficult task.  

Congrats on entering – I think there is something there – it just strikes me that – so far, it’s incomplete. Hoe that makes sense.    


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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This reminded me of a Dr Who episode, I love Dr Who so that's not a bad thing.

But, the logic of it eluded me... alien sphere's package themselves up and leave themselves on doorsteps? Oddest invasion ever.

As noted, some of the dialogue felt a little stilted, but in general it was decent.

met the criteria too.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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mmmarnie
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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So I liked the concept of the mystery sphere. I can't say I liked either of the characters though. And I thought the comparison of his reaction to the package to Vegas was really off. I'd save that Vegas thing though cus that's a pretty funny thought. Wanting to see the shows in Vegas instead of Broadway. That's a keeper. But it just didn't fit where you put it.

It just didn't flow well for me and the end was just a big reveal of what? It needed more, IMO.


boop
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greg
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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"She brings in a square black cardboard box, about the size of a head."

Okay, I have to know: of all the things to compare the box to, why a head? I got a chuckle out of that.

There's some interesting points going on throughout the story but I didn't feel they really connected. Lots and lots of questions that simply couldn't be answered in such a short amount of time. It's hard to fit an alien invasion into ten pages.  

I like the concept; I think it's interesting to explore a potential invasion where the aliens are essentially brought into everyone's home under free will. You definitely got something there. It just needs more than an OWC to fully tell the tale.

Nice job on entering.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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Spqr
Posted: September 21st, 2020, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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The conversation starts out light-hearted, and once the package is delivered it turns a little more serious. But only a little. That’s why I felt very little rising tension as the time came to open the box. And then the box opening came as a complete surprise, instantly bleeding off what little tension there was. That the contents of the box turns out to be a bad thing is pretty much a given, so no surprise there, either.
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Rob
Posted: September 21st, 2020, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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The line I like best comes at the beginning: "Black bears aren't really bears." Funny. The stuff about going to Vegas and not seeing shows worked reasonably well, too.

I think I like this more for the concept than the dialogue. A mysterious metal sphere in the mail is interesting.

The couple's suspicion of the was a little too much. We get stuff in the mail all the time that we rip open without worry. In this case, a little concern would go a long way. You could probably cut out half of the angst and still get the point across.

The basic idea of the killer metal sphere in the package is worthy of further exploration. Really like that part.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 22nd, 2020, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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I wish I kept track of shit that doesn't anything at all, like how many scripts I've read in the last year that opened with "SUBURBAN HOUSE".

Ah...the old "20's" describing the characters.  Man, oh man, I can't even tell you how much this kind of shit irks me.  Think about it...seriously, think about it.  Someone who is 20 years old and someone who is 29 years old...2 completely different  life experiences and even life style.  Many "kids" in their early 20's are still in college...maybe living with their parents while going to college.  Mid 20's, 1st real job, maybe even 1st real job in their chosen career.  Maybe it's different now, somehow, but when I bought my first house, I was in my later 20's, and I was 1 of the 1st in my group of friends to be able to do that.

Bottom line, just set ages for your characters and make sure those ages make sense as to where and how they're living.

OK, wait...so the front door is in the living room?  Where they're both hanging out?

"...about the size of a head." - Wow, never heard that comparison before.

The dialogue is just all over the map...like the map of the USA!  WTF?  Talk about weird, random banter that goes nowhere and means nothing.

Up to Page 5, and I have an odd look on my face, as I just don't know WTF I'm reading...or why you wrote it this way.  It's just strange in a not good way, and the dialogue is way off in many places.  As I've said several times on other threads, this just isn't remotely realistic.

Wow, again, WTF did I just read?  Absolutely batshit crazy and strange, and sadly, not at all for me.
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JEStaats
Posted: September 22nd, 2020, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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That was odd. The dialogue was quite unnatural and I think Stacy would've dumped his ass with his history of paranoid thoughts and delusions. But, hey, he was bound to be right some day, eh? I'll give you credit for the twist, regardless of how twisted it was. Good job there.

I liked Stacy and her banter/wit, but the rest I can do without.
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Claudio
Posted: September 22nd, 2020, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue worked for me, felt realistic.

The ending was really random. I thought that the descriptors throughout were leading us down a different path.
The box as big as a head, the Vegas story, bears etc. It felt like there was a kidney in that box or some kind of elaborate blackmail.

Anthony mentioned Dr. Who, it made me think that this could work as the cold open for an episode in the same vein.


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Warren
Posted: September 23rd, 2020, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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I did have a chuckle at the Mr Bond line.

Some OTN dialogue here and there.

I think I get it :/

Feels like an idea that could use some expanding.

Good job getting an entry in.


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