Spiro by Buster Scruggs - Short, Crime - Two loudmouth gangsters die slowly in a room.

Prompt: Blood everywhere - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Meets the criteria nicely.

I had to read it twice. First time I was lost and confused. I think I get it the second time. I think because they are dying and the brain cells are dying their perception of the world just becomes weirder and weirder.

I think you could make it a little clearer but apart from that, good job.

-Mark

Good writing. Very visual.

The story ended for me when they both died. Andrew was just like icing on a cake.

Well written!

Never would think two dying men would spit so many lines. If your point was for me not to understand the dialogue you were very effective. I had no idea where this conversation was going. Junior's death was extremely abrupt. One second his dancing the jig, next he's dead. It seems to meet all the criteria, but this one didn't work for me.

James

Good dialogue throughout other than I got a bit lost in the SOAP vs SOUP thing.

Okay – I want to really love this – I really do – it is just a bit too chaotic.  

The Junior coming back to life thing doesn’t really work and not sure it adds anything versus a straight up they are both dying at the same time. I think this set-up causes you to miss some opportunities like when the one dude said he screwed the other dude’s wife –  a follow-up was needed there.

I know you are being ambitious – talking about all the things other than the doom at hand and I admire that – it just misses for me.

Parameters surely met -

I'm glad Junior was alive enough to give the explanation half way through of what Spiro was rambling on about

Not so much as far as an interesting storyline but it is a short and you meet the parameters.

Good job on entering

Buster Scruggs, eh? Reminds me of James Franco's now infamous line: First time? So funny.

And you made me laugh with your opening line, so great start.
This is whacky and absurdist and I think it'd be great on film. I think it's an example of when dialogue is so silly it works.

I too was pulled up a bit with the soup/soap thing and some other lines could be tweaked a bit.

Story wise I think you either have Junior pretending and come back to life proper or have Andrew actually slip in the blood, bang his head and fall down dead with the other two. Crime doesn't pay.

Anyway,  imho it reads as though it's not meant to make complete sense cause often old friends have a history, a shorthand, in jokes, past grievances glossed over with humour etc.

Great inventive job. One definitely outside of the box but really enjoyable.

Well that was fun, met the criteria very well too... no idea what happened or why but but that didn't stop it being entertaining to read.

Doukas at the end... not sure he's needed at all.

While the dialogue reads well enough and is even quite interesting in some parts, the story as a whole just didn't work for me. I re-read it again to see what I missed, but I'm not seeing.

The script is very technically sound, though. I feel like you were going for something ambitious here but I'm just not sure what.

Greg

Congrats on completing the challenge.

Don’t know why but from the dialogue, I thought this was from the 1940’s. Lol. But it looks like it was just me so...heh.

I would imagine that if the guy Spiro is calling isn’t picking up, he’ll try another.

A good, fast read.

Gabe

There was a lot to like here. The idea of two guys, frenemies or relatives I guess, both dying together over money. I don't think too much has to be explained, maybe none of it does, of how they know each other and what that money came from...and anything that happened to get them there. Kind of cool not knowing. Good enough for me to know some bad shit just went down and this is the aftermath.

But maybe...some hints in the dialog. I like that Spiro told Junior he screwed his wife. Junior could one up and tell Spiro he screwed his sis, or better yet...his mom. LOL

The dialog was....KILLER. Which is the main point of this challenge. Some of it was confusing but that just needs to be cleaned up. I don't know what talking like a sausage means...but I love it. LOL. I was thinking like a meathead, mobster type guy? Whatever it means it sounded funny.

This was a good idea. Definitely needs some cleaning up in parts that are a bit confusing but after that, this will be a great pick for a low-budget film. Nice job here, writer.

The trash-talking was great. The two thugs died as they lived, loud and annoying. But it was especially nice that the inarticulate flunky, Alexander, got the money.

I LOVED this one. I thought the writing was superb.
The idea that Junior was living in the final synapses of Spiro's brain was so good! It made me giddy with schadenfreude.

The ending wasn't really needed, for me. If it ends on the two dead gangsters, I would be happy with that.
I daydreamed an idea about this.
What if it ended with some omniscient narrator wrapping up the situation and stating that technically Junior outlived
Spiro by like four seconds? Maybe too out there, idk.

My bigger gripe was the dialogue. I reread this one a lot, and I feel CHEATED out of some banter.
The story is essentially a Spiro monologue and then a Junior monologue, I wish we had more overlap.
What if it opened on Junior a bit more lucid, but rapidly deteriorating?

At the moment, this is tied for my favorite, awesome stuff~

An interesting take on a dialogue challenge by basically having two soliloquys. Not really banter but in a way it was. There's a lot to like but it's a far way from being a complete work. Trim some fat and add a hair of clarity, and you'll have a pretty unique short.

Good job, writer!

Hi,

Very descriptive and action lite but I have to admit the dialogue confused me at times. Having one dying man having to explain to the other how synapses work was a bit far fetched for me.
Having the third character was within the parameters of the challenge but I can't help thinking they were introduced just to attain the five page minimum.

I'd cut back on the medical technicalities and just focus on the trash talk which was very good, it might also help with some background on how they got there in the first place.

Well done.