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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Unlawful Duties - OWC Moderators: LC
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Geezis
Posted: September 23rd, 2020, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Hi,

Nice twist at the end but not quite sure who was supposed to be the traditional bad guy(s) here. Yes, the hobo apparently killed a little girl but then the cops torture and kill him.
Dialogue was ok but only that.
Needs some work and more tidying up but. decent effort.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Warren
Posted: September 23rd, 2020, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hard to really root for any of these characters. I think the dialogue between the cops felt pretty natural but the script as a whole could use some work.

I'm not sure how I feel about this one, can't say I loved it.


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mmmarnie
Posted: September 24th, 2020, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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I understand cops being enraged over what they found but I seriously doubt they'd risk their careers by killing this guy...so that part was way off for me.

This is pretty good though. Getting us to dislike the cops at first but then we see why. But IMO you hurt the switch by having them kill the hobo. Just have them arrest him.  And more clarity on the fact that the girl is there and dead. I had to read that twice.

So yeah...messy but hopefully because you wrote it fast to submit at last minute. This needs some cleaning up but I did like it.


boop
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ReneC
Posted: September 25th, 2020, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue was front and center here, which is the point I guess. I didn't care for any of the characters though. The cops are cliché, the hobo becomes slightly more than pathetic when he gets into the three card monte but by then it's clear something isn't going to end well, and then it turns out he actually did it. If he'd gotten the upper hand on the cops, or if he was actually innocent, that would have had a bit of an impact, but this plays out exactly as the cops suspect from the start even if the audience has to catch up.

A few typos and grammatical issues aside, it's fairly well written and the pace is really solid. A decent effort. The Tarantino-style ending is fun but not quite earned.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: September 26th, 2020, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Hmm -- I really do enjoy a good crime story, makes me all warm and tingly.  Sadly, the fact that you played it safe was a game-ender for me. Some sort of twist would have been nice. I honestly was not that engaged by the conversation between the two officers, which seemed pretty down the middle, and I was twinging on a bit of over-familiarity before you got to "It would be in your best interests to tell us..."  Not sayin' that's a big problem, but the focus of the challenge was "Killer" dialogue.  On the plus side, a nice concept, I was just hoping for more. Sorry.

But then I seem to be in the minority here. So good luck with this-A


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