The Monster In The Well by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - There's a monster in the well. Don't believe me? Take a peek...

Content warning 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Theme wise - not for me. I could see why others would like it.

Quoted Text Parked in the small lot is a nice sedan

Reads better as a Sedan is parked….

Quoted Text DOUG Hello? (beat) Hey, Honey. Yeah, I'm just leaving the office now. (beat) Yeah. I'm gonna stop by the hobby store and look around a bit. See if they got anything neat in. (beat) Alright. I won't be too long. (beat) Yep. Love you too. Bye, Honey.

Parentheticals should be on their own line.

Maybe:

DOUG
Hello?
(listening)
Hey, Honey. Yeah, I'm just leaving the office now.

You don’t need this:

Quoted Text DOUG (sotto) That's not Cherry.

I didn’t understand why Cherry’s corpse would be decayed by now – it just happened.

Quoted Text CHERRY (dialog) Now there really a monster in the is well.

What’s with the parenthetical?

Thanks for the read, Dave. I know this isn't for everyone.

"I didn�t understand why Cherry�s corpse would be decayed by now � it just happened."

SPOILERS!

She is decayed because she has been dead for a very long time. The Cherry that Doug picked up at the park is a ghost.

"What�s with the parenthetical?"

Dumb typo. I'll fix it.

Thanks for giving this one a go.

My pleasure

Zack, I remember this one from before, right?

Did Doug go in the well last time?
Regardless, this version reads more horrifically complete as he gets his just desserts.

I only have one minor quibble re Cherry's description. I pondered over what colour hair 'pale brunette' is.
Then realised she's pale, brunette.

Very dark, very gruesome.
Very well done. Ick.

Long time since I read one of your scripts, Zack. This one was quite a nice and dark read.

Although I guessed right for what was gonna happen to Doug as I read Cherry's description. That she's a pale brunette. I thought she might be dead and "well" she was. But, just one question: Did Doug killed all those children in the well? I think the answer will be yes but regardless it is always better to confirm.

Regardless, good luck.

The log line really pulls a reader in.

Nice. Very nice. Very visual writing.

Hey, guys. Sorry for my late response.

"Zack, I remember this one from before, right?"

Hey, Libby. Hope you've been well. Yes, this is based off a short I wrote about 7 years back.

"Very dark, very gruesome.
Very well done. Ick."

Very happy to hear that you enjoyed my sick little tale. Lol. Thank you very much for reading.


"Long time since I read one of your scripts, Zack. This one was quite a nice and dark read."

What's up, Yuvraj? Thanks for the high praise.

"Did Doug killed all those children in the well?"

Yes, Doug killed all the kids in the well.

"Nice. Very nice. Very visual writing."

Thanks for the read and the kind words, BarryJohn. Much appreciated.

Ooh, glad you checked in, Zack!

I was left wondering about this:

DOUG
Hello?
(beat)
Hey, Honey. Yeah, I'm just leaving the office now.
(beat)
Yeah. I'm gonna stop by the hobby store and look around a bit.
See if they got anything neat in.
(beat)
Alright. I won't be too long.
(beat)
Yep. Love you too. Bye, Honey.

Is this to imply he has a wife and kid of his own?

P.S. Would do very nicely as a Short-short in the Horror anthology but I guess you have another for that?

I definitely meant to imply that he has a wife, but not necessarily a kid.

And yes, I've got something else in store for the horror anthology. Can't wait to share it with everyone. Thanks again for reading, Libby.

Ah, see the 'hobby' thing got me.

Thought he might be buying something for his own kid at the hobby/toy shop which imh would add a whole other layer of eww, and what a monster he is.

Anyway, that's by the by.
Will be on the look out for your Ep.

Quoted from LC Ah, see the 'hobby' thing got me. Thought he might be buying something for his own kid at the hobby/toy shop which imh would add a whole other layer of eww, and what a monster he is.

Hm. Hadn't considered that. Not a bad idea.

Zack got some dark themes up his sleeves. Moral-wise this is unfortunate and terrifying but story-wise it is pretty amazing to read. Real creep here.

Good luck.

Thanks for the front page review, Michael! Very happy you enjoyed it so much.

No problem, bro! Nice work!

-- Michael