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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  This Might Hurt a Bit
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  Author    This Might Hurt a Bit  (currently 113 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2020, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This Might Hurt a Bit by Bryce Smink - Short, Drama - A passionate, but overworking track runner tries to beat his school's speed record, but even after a painful knee injury, he continues to push himself harder and harder, letting nothing get in his way. Not even his older, washed-up, track star brother. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Hi Bryce

Just off the top...


Quoted Text
BEGIN OPENING CREDITS. FADE IN:
EXT. ROAD NEAR A HIGH SCHOOL - EARLY MORNING (NEAR SUNRISE)
We're CLOSE to the road, MOVING VERY FAST... We SLOWLY PAN UP
to find our hero - GREG STEPHENSON (16), running down the
road in his sweats. He's breathing good, a seasoned runner...
It's quiet here, peaceful. Morning dew has formed on the
grass. There's a light mist in the air. Some morning sounds.
Greg, light on his feet, keeps running - FASTER and FASTER...


- Leave out the BEGIN OPENING CREDITS. That's for the filmmakers to sort out.
- Just SCHOOL. In your opening sentence, you telling us we CLOSE to the road. No need to cap CLOSE. Same for MOVING VERY FAST.
- EARLY MORNING (NEAR SUNRISE) No. DAY or NIGHT. If it's important to express a more particular time, as you wanting to do here. Go with DAWN. If it's important for the reader to know it was sunrise? You could mention that in your opening sentence. Eg; The sunrise casts on the road?  
- FADE IN: Is written far left margin. And, FADE OUT: Will be far-right margin.
- Leave out directing ~ SLOW PAN UP. Again, that's for the filmmakers.  
- Screenwriting is visual. We write to show and not tell. Write only what can be shown (filmed). In your opening paragraph, the following can't be filmed: Hero, light on his feet. I can see what you want to show us is, Creg is a passionate, determined track field runner. It's quiet, peaceful, dew forming on the grass, does not support the that. Furthermore, you told us its sunrise, so yes it would be quiet, peaceful, and there be dew on the grass. Leave it out.

I'd go with...

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAWN

CREG STEPHENSON (16), We see him running down the road in his sweats. He picks up the pace. He's breathing is rhythmic. He's looking good. He's clearly a seasoned runner...  (Short and to the point)

I hope this has helped some.

All the best.



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BarryJohn
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Hey Bryce. PS: Your posted script reads; Writer interested in feedback. It's courteous for the writer to reply to such. Even if just: Thanks for the rubbish feedback! Just saying...  


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eldave1
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted from BarryJohn
Hey Bryce. PS: Your posted script reads; Writer interested in feedback. It's courteous for the writer to reply to such. Even if just: Thanks for the rubbish feedback! Just saying...  


It happens all the time, Barry - concur - it is an irritant.

My guess is that some writers don't click that little box that says "email me each time someone replies".

So they may not know it's commented on.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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