Be Someone. by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama - A best selling novelist's wife and kids are murdered. He takes to the bottle and ends up on the street. Ten years later his worthless life is saved by a woman that dies by having saved him... Not before she asks just one thing of him. Be someone.  9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Barry - page 1 review.

First - what program are you using - the spacing seems slightly off - like too much space between dialogues - too much space between headers - who knows, maybe it's fine and my eye sight is failing me.

Quoted Text EXT. NEW YORK - CENTRAL - DAY

Be more specific here and save yourself some space in the descriptive block. First, there is no such thing is NEW YORK CENTRAL - and - if you go with BUS STOP - you don't have to describe it again.

e.g.,

EXT. NEW YORK - FIFTH STREET - BUS STOP - DAY

Quoted Text Busy street side bus stop. People orderly standing, waiting for the next bus.

All bus stops are on the side of the street - no need to mention that.
People orderly standing - is not a correct sentence

So, with the new header - try:

EXT. NEW YORK - FIFTH STREET - BUS STOP - DAY

A dozen PEOPLE crowd together waiting for the bus.

Quoted Text BRIAN Change. Small change... Mr. A dollar to spare.

Not sure this is grammatically correct. And the Mr. isn't placed in the right spot. But, since there are men and women there why even use Mr? Should be a ? after spare. e.g.,

BRIAN
Change. Small change... Anyone with a
dollar to spare?

Quoted Text Amongst the crowd is MARY-ANN JANEWAY, 50s. Her fifteen-year-old son, STEVEN by her side. She gives Brian some small change.

A little awkward. I always find it clearer to put the character first. e.g.,

MARY-ANN JANEWAY (50) and her son STEVEN (15) are in
the crowd. Mary-Ann offers Brian some coins.

Quoted Text STEVEN Mom...!

You do this a lot - the ... Not needed. Just Mom! will do.

Quoted Text BRIAN Sorry, mister...

Again - the ... no needed. Really save it for instances where someone is trailing off - lost in thought - not completing a sentence/thought.

This:

Quoted Text The man pushes him - into the street - an oncoming bus.

Is poor sentence structure. Also, when you label a character (Brian) why in the world revert to man? S/B

Brian shoves Steven into the street. A bus is barreling towards him.

Quoted Text Mary-Ann instinctively reacts, grabbing him, pulling him back onto the pavement. With this, she falls into the street - bus hits her - bus skids to a halt - Mary-Ann laying facedown on the road, a pool of blood forms around her head...

Again - poor sentence structure and you don't need to describe how she is acting (instinctively) - just the action.  Something like:

Mary-Ann  grabs Steven, pulls him back onto the pavement. As she reaches the curb, she stumbles and falls back into the street.

The bus slams into her. Mary-Ann hits the pavement. A pool of blood oozes from her head.

Quoted Text Brian lays unconscious on the pavement with a deep gash to his forehead. He had hit the curb HARD.

I wasn't exactly clear on how this happened. At no point during the set-up to you have Brian being pushed, falling or otherwise hitting the ground.

Quoted Text INT. NEW YORK - HOSPITAL - DAY INSERT: 5 DAYS LATER. Brian, bandage wrapped around his head, sitting on a bed in a hospital blue gown. A MAN in a cheap suit stands before

1) it should be a SUPER and not an INSERT
2) It needs to go after some action/description - i.e., you are putting this over something.

like this:

INT. NEW YORK - HOSPITAL - DAY

Brian, bandage wrapped around his head, sitting on a bed in
a hospital blue gown. A MAN in a cheap suit stands before

SUPER: FIVE DAYS LATER

Also - it's not hospital blue gown. It is a blue hospital gown. Adjective before the noun.

I did read the entire story - you have errors/issues like this throughout. That being said, I do like the premise and the character arc for Brian.  It shows that redemption is never too late and is often achieved by the unlikeliest of characters. So I think there is something here. But it needs to be done correctly.

As Dave said, there are errors/issues throughout the script. But the story was nice. Just needs cleaning up.

Good luck.

Eldave1 - Thanks for the read and valid comments/input. I checked my format spacing on my software. Darn, yeah it was out! Thanks.  I battle with trying to picture NY (America) I compare it to my homeland of South Africa where every town has a central and we don't really have bus stops, but taxi ranks/stops... etc. The rest of, I see what you saying and I'll neaten-up accordingly. Thanks again for taking the time.

Yuvraj - Thanks for the read. And yeah, like Eldave1 said. A clean-up. Glad you liked the story.  

Quoted from BarryJohn Eldave1 - Thanks for the read and valid comments/input. I checked my format spacing on my software. Darn, yeah it was out! Thanks.  I battle with trying to picture NY (America) I compare it to my homeland of South Africa where every town has a central and we don't really have bus stops, but taxi ranks/stops... etc. The rest of, I see what you saying and I'll neaten-up accordingly. Thanks again for taking the time. Yuvraj - Thanks for the read. And yeah, like Eldave1 said. A clean-up. Glad you liked the story.

You're welcome. Hint - when I write for locals that I am not familiar with I do a Google search and click images. For example: If you Google New York City bus stop, you'll get a bunch of different images of bus tops and streets - it really makes writing the description a breeze.

I feel this is one of those scripts where the message is the highlight, and powerful enough to keep us engaged despite the numerous writing errors. The simple, fast-moving story feels a bit like a music video with dialogue, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing...

Dan, thanks for posting the new version.