Tenebris by Mak Purdon - Short, Drama - A man succumbs to his demons, in an exploration of depression and it's effects on those it touches. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Mak

Trying to read more scripts again so thought I would start with this since it was only 2 pages.

This shouldn't be two pages though, it should be much longer as you have made the action blocks too dense.
These need breaking up with every new action - this aids in reading (big blocks = reader skimming and missing info), it helps with pacing the story and making it flow better.
This is a slow dark story, so the pacing needs to reflect it.

This is a dark, evocative short but I fear the dense writing may mean it gets passed over unfairly.

Best of luck with it

That was a real good story ~ A man running from himself. His demons maybe? It's open to how the reader interprets it?  No narrative or speaking character made it all the more visual. Nice.

To me it read as a man who, already dead, is giving up the ghost, so to speak. A depression at being dead perhaps, but I didn't find this an exploration in depression. Possibly because I cannot relate, so it could just be me. The action blocks are more like blocks of prose from a novel and need trimming down. Also, in a screenplay, nothing 'seems', it just is. This is even bad form for novel writing, IMO.