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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Always Faithful
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  Author    Always Faithful  (currently 343 views)
Don
Posted: January 3rd, 2021, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Always Faithful by Lonnie - Short, Drama - A young man struggles to fulfill his dream of joining the United States Marine Corps. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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S.J.
Posted: January 5th, 2021, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Lacking a FADE IN, I'm not sure if this is the compete short (making it a very short short) or if this is a mere excerpt.

Overall impression was Fair with a slightly above average Hook. That "hook" to me is the main story character.

The concept was fine. Lonnie's voice came through well. Characters a bit out-of-the-box, which could be fixed by providing more surprising characteristics and deeper descriptions.

I did like the bang-bang dialogue writing. Mostly, single sentences or short passages!

Though not personified, the primary character in this tale is the scarlet-colored case and its contents. That thing is the star of the show hands down. And, it did not make an appearance until late on Page 6 of a 13 page script.

Also, saw zero reason to have two young men sitting on a couch. Or, too, the syrupy ending (Could of had a non-tearful Callahan just say to a non-tearful Doug... "Your dad would be proud. You did good Marine."... and that's all.

Author may want to consider a sequence such as this:

Father dying and gives scarlet box to son, who opens it. The son sees the contents, but not the movie-goer. Dad says to give it to a Marine. (This puts the "big reveal" right at the start and a reader or viewer knows what the story is about). ===>

Recruiter Office ===>

Weight Chart routine ===>

Weight Loss failure ===>

Box and contents shown to Sergeant ===>

Doug walks away in depression and failure ===>

Callahan appears at door ===>

Series of training shots ===>

Parris Island graduation ===>

Alice and Callahan ===>

Tight shot of ring on finger.

I would like to see the rewrite, if undertaken.

Best wishes,

S.J. Glenn
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McIntyre911
Posted: January 7th, 2021, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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S.J.,

Thank you for the feedback!
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Miranda
Posted: January 11th, 2021, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Lonnie,

I did like to read your script.
And also I did like both Doug's and the Sergeant's characters.
Keep writing!
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McIntyre911
Posted: January 11th, 2021, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Miranda, I will!
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