First Flight Out by Steve Meredith - Short, Drama - A few days before Thanksgiving, widower George Halburn receives a devastating cancer diagnosis.  He is unsure how to tell his daughter Bethany, the family attorney, about the diagnosis, so he starts the conversation by asking her to act as the executrix of his estate.  While the request is simple enough, George is unprepared when Bethany confronts him about their family’s emotional detachment, and the toll that a lack of emotional expression has taken on her throughout her life. 12 pages

production: Low budget. Two characters, one location. Dialog driven. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Steve - whenever you first into a character - you put them in CAPS.

Hi Steve,

First off I liked this. Felt very personal (really wondered if this is based on your own experience with a little dramatic embellishments thrown in), and other than the location which could be tricky, would be easy to make.

Only a few things I’d add...

1, The character intros could be a bit tighter
2, Minor typo on page 5 when Bethany says “they” instead of “the” in a sentence
3, I think it’s good to try to avoid overusing words like “Well” to start a line of dialogue
4, My main suggestion would be to build the conflict a little more, as at the moment it reads as an issue is raised, then pretty much immediately settled after a few exchanges. I think you could push it a bit more without it becoming melodramatic.

Hope that helps.

Good luck with it

Oh and one other thing I forgot to mention. I think it might benefit from having a little more movement between the characters. Maybe one standing up to leave before sitting down again, or both moving over to the window type thing. Otherwise it might get a bit visually boring if they both just sit there for 80% of the script.

Thanks for the feedback.  I’ll make those grammatical/typo corrections in the next draft.  I’m curious as to your thoughts on how to make the introductions for each character tighter?

Quoted from srusteve09 Thanks for the feedback.  I’ll make those grammatical/typo corrections in the next draft.  I’m curious as to your thoughts on how to make the introductions for each character tighter?

Okay - you have this:

Quoted Text INT. AIRPORT GATE - EARLY MORNING Bethany Halburn, 33 dressed in gray slacks, a nice blouse, and black flats sits alone at the gate next to her suitcase. It's as if she has a meeting to go to immediately after landing, where ever she's going. It is still dark out, and the airport is a ghost town. There isn't even a gate attendant at the gate yet. Bethany has her laptop on her lap, and is busy at work. Moments later, George Halburn, Bethany's father spots his daughter at the gate and approaches. George is 64, with salt and pepper hair, and is dressed in jeans, a polo shirt, and a lightweight jacket. He looks every bit the image of a retiree.

Not necessarily correct - but this is how I would write it - tighter.


INT. AIRPORT GATE - EARLY MORNING

Nearly empty - not even the gate attendants have arrived.

BETHANY HALBURN (33), business attire, notebook computer perched on her lap
sits near the gate, suitcase by her side.

GEORGE HALBURN (64), salt and pepper hair, casual clothes approaches.

Thanks.  That makes sense.  I'll work on it to make it more concise.

Quoted from srusteve09 Thanks.  That makes sense.  I'll work on it to make it more concise.

No prob.

Great example Eldave.

Good luck with the rewrite Steve. I can see this on turning out really nice.

Have you looked into having actors read it out? It’s the kind of thing that’d be perfect for theatre types who like to do open readings etc.

I hadn't thought of that yet, but I'd certainly be interested in that.  I'll explore that with some theater companies locally.  Thanks for the suggestion!