A Chance Encounter by JOHN E STAATS (JEStaats) Writing as ----------- - Short, Erotic (not so), Thriller (also, not so) - When guns are drawn, love ensues. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well now, this is just lovely!

Loved the opening imagery -

A dust devil kicks up a tumbleweed and blows an old
newspaper around

- even if some of the words could be condensed a bit. I won't go into detail cause that would defeat the compliment I just paid you. Suffice to say a bit more brevity and I don't think those opening descriptions would be compromised.

One other criticism - I thought it was just a bit short.
If you're going that short I think you need to up the 'erotic' quotient, the instant animal attraction between them.

Here for example:

He hands the bag to her, gives her a peck on the cheek, and
gets in the car.

This is where Clyde should really give Bonnie a kiss that is infinitely more memorable than just a passing peck on the cheek, and in doing so also make your audience feel it.

Perhaps if he drags her into the gas station as the cop car speeds past then they have a full-on moment where he looks into her eyes, grabs her, gives her a kiss she's never going to forget, then flies out of there leaving her absolutely gobsmacked - for want of a better word.

Anyway, it was a pleasure to read and you were very clever to pick these two and give them a back story of your own making.

Great job!

P.S. I just noticed your (not so) etc. Okay, a bit light-on in both departments but I still liked it and it wasn't over the top. Add a bit more erotica and Bob's your Uncle. The atmos is all there and ripe for the taking.  

(I'm using the following assessment criteria, and will apply the same to all... is it erotic, is it a thriller, is it low budget and the usual is it any good)

Okay, so from the off this borders on short story territory due to the overly descriptive writing, and as a consequence it makes the pages look dense.

Having said that, some of the description is quite nice, but then goes missing when it comes to character description, i.e. 'beautiful girl' seems a little lazy.

Male 20 starts talking like some English villain from the 50s, took me out of it a little.

And unfortunately it continues like that... if the character had have been 40s then it would have felt more plausible imho

And then with guns on each other he leans in for a kiss... this might fly with some more setup, or a previous encounter between the two is revealed.

So, I think this could be expanded and with some tweaks it would work better, but it's not erotic as it stands and light on the thriller angle. It is low budget though and would be relatively easy to produce.

Took me half the script to figure out we what time period we were in. I think it would've helped the reader if you just set that straight from the beginning. This had the film noir feel to it like those old movies but not erotic and nothing really that tickles thriller territory.

That being said I did enjoy it. Clyde was charming enough to see why Bonnie was smitten with him. It would be a nice way to start a biopic of these two, but we've already had so many of those.

James

Hi writer,

Okay, didn’t see that coming, the beginnings of something wild and unruly that terrorized the dirty thirties, or at least a part of it. Big chunk o’ ink on the front page there, seemed kind of scary at first, but after seeing you only wrote 5 pages... a wave of relief washed over me.

Ok, now that I’ve said that, you actually had 10 pages of real estate to play with and really draw us in and embellish on the whole romantic folklore of their actual escapades. Perhaps he takes her out back and tries to have his way with her (Clyde is/was after all a crazed lunatic), mind you… so was Bonnie, probably more so.

The atmosphere you painted was nice and lucid, I could actually feel the dust and smell the petrol. Thriller angle is kind of lacking, as is the erotica, lest the dirty 30s considered a kiss on screen somewhat taboo and would give it an R rating. Still, liked it, it’s fun and curious. Best of luck!

OK, you'll pardon me if I don't do a total "point by point" mostly because this was short and sweet.   Be assured I took everything they had to say in your narrative into consideration.

Here's the Reader's Digest version. I could visualize it and felt your voice was very good for the characters involved. Me too - thinks it would make for a fine opening of a biopic of Bonnie&Clyde. Sadly, this was no erotic thriller.  Nonetheless - I'm pretty OK with it. Fun and entertaining without a doubt. Them's my thoughts. Best of Irish luck! -A

It just needed more. More interaction and banter. Some wordplay and wit would go far. You had plenty of pages to go. Run short on time? Last minute entry?

What there is, is written well enough. First page was a bit scary without a lot of white space but it was worth the prosy set up.

Good job, writer.

Well nice work, this one. I don't know, it was kind of erotic too. Not erotic but it kind of headed that way and it's filled with that vibe, so erotic enough for me.

I also think it's a thriller. Money, implied heist, sirens. And then it's them, of course it's a thriller. I also like how you gave them a new spin.

Anyway, nicey nice)

Started off really well, nice visuals and set up but it faded quickly. In saying that I enjoyed very much, I got the sense of urgency when the sirens were heard and the ending took me by surprise. Tense but not a thriller, erotic possibly needed a bit more.
Well done.

Hello writer

Page 1 looks horrendous. If I was a script-reader with hundreds to get through that day I wouldn't even start this.

people will skim read that and miss information. Case in point, a previous reviewer didn;t know what time period this was, but you show on page 1 a wall calendar with the month and year... It was not the reader's fault, that page is hella dense I am not surprised they missed it.

I liked the atmosphere you created, even without reading most of page 1. You know this is't an Erotica or a thriller, so if I was actually voting I would DQ. This seemed more light-hearted and comical with all the swooning.

I enjoyed it somewhat, would have liked a better ending though.

Best of luck with it.

The Bonnie and Clyde reveal made me groan.

Writer,

I enjoyed the set up and the picture you painted of the desolate Texaco was spot on visual. Not much eroticism at all, and that can be corrected. However, and this is just personal taste, you totally lost me when the name were revealed. I find things like this so much more interested when we’re using our own characters instead of someone else’s. Good writing, though.

Steve

This was great. So well written and ended when it should have. Really nice job, writer.

The writing could be much tighter, the 1st few pages are a bit of an eyesore. You do keep the action blocks to 3 lines on the most part, so it's not too bad. But there are redundancies -- when you describe the gas station, you mention "The station is..." when you already mention gas station (TEXACO STATION) in the scene heading. Though the writing can be tighter, the prose written fairly well.

I did immediately think to myself "this is a Bonnie and Clyde" type of story. And then, sure enough, we find out that the dude is Clyde Barrow -- not sure if this is completely historically accurate, don't think they met at a gas station. But it's not really a big deal.

Doesn't really come across as an erotic thriller, more of a twisted meet-cute moment. It was decent, but didn't really do much for me.

-- Michael

Just a super cute story, super solid.

Not much to really nitpick, but perhaps more set-ups or stakes are needed since the story
doesn’t work as well without the names.

For example, Girl could shoot the gun into the air when she realizes Driver is trying to run off.
This could also help set the tone of their relationship.

Great work~

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions. I had absolutely nothing all week until this thought flashed in my head that Friday afternoon.  I wanted something from that era and that kind of setting. I toyed with prolonging Clyde's taunting of Bonnie and upping the erotica but logic got the best of me since he was on the run. Damn logic. Oh, well...there's always next time. Unless it's a romcom.