Wrong Mark by Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) Writing as Rick O’Shea - Short, Erotic Thriller - Lily's a bad girl. She's going to leave her husband for a bad boy who wants to do good. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Very odd choice to start a voice over mid script. I've got to admit their conversation left me a bit confused, was his parole officer her husband?

This whole thing felt rushed to me. I was lost as to what was going on with the pillow case full of stuff from the robbery until the dreamy exposition at the end. And this whole thing with the horn? I'm still scratching my head.

I can tell that you were trying to setup a good old fashion double-cross but the execution just wasn't there.

It seemed to meet most of the parameters albeit it was light on the erotic side of things.

James

Hi writer,

Good take on an old theme, the adulterous and the infidelity that goes along with it, the ending threw me out of the mix. I’m not sure what the car horn symbolizes, or if Mark is actually dead? Guess he is, cause he’s still on the floor in the end.

Some typos, grammar issues that had me doing multiple reads to see if I missed something, and quite a bit of banter that could easily be pared down to move the story along a little faster, but overall, I think you did an okay good job weaving an erotic thriller vibe into the whole shebang.

(I'm using the following assessment criteria, and will apply the same to all... is it erotic, is it a thriller, is it low budget and the usual is it any good)

maybe a little rushed this one as quite a few spelling and grammar issues from the off, hard to write with a ticking clock and sure these will get fixed after the OWC.

Mark is introduced with little description (Lily is added to as it goes)

The dissolve to later has totally confused me... Lily is in the bedroom, Mark isn't... then we advance 45 minutes and Mark is there but he accuses Lily of letting herself in - not sure what's happened?

I'm not an expert... but why would a Parole Officer care who Mark is seeing?

V.O. is often used in thrillers but feels a little jarring when we get it 7 pages in, minor though. But, what 'former life' is the saying from?

The end bit with the horn and the dead-not dead-dead again Mark confused me, not sure what happened?

So, some nice twists and ticks the thriller box, erotic not really at all, low budget could be.

Decent effort.  

Most of the dialogue was fine, but I think trimming a bit of it would move things along faster.

A valiant attempt with the double-cross angle. I'm just not so sure it worked. Didn't really get the horn bit, either. Some clarity is needed. I'll say this, slow down a bit. I get the feeling you churned this out... without completely thinking things through.

I didn't see too much in the way of being erotic here.

A good re-write would do the trick. Still, a solid entry IMO.

Ghost.

Kudos for taking on a classic love triangle double-cross story. All the parts are there but it definitely seems rushed. Right from the start I was trying to keep the story clear and having to reread multiple lines to keep it straight.

The V.O. was unnecessary and seemed out of place. Either start with it at the beginning or not at all.

Two honks had to be significant but I reread and couldn't find the reference?!

Valiant effort - good work, writer.

Writer,

Pretty good. Not a fan of the imagined, reversed end. Seen it many times before, and it's actually kind of a cop out, if you think about it. However, you had me really invested in the story and I really wanted to see how it turned out. Good job on that!

Steve

For me this was decent attempt at a thriller, had all the elements in the right places but the execution was a little off at times. Don't fully understand the ending, maybe should just have had Mark shot and left it at that, no idea what the deal was with the car horn, maybe you could clarify after the challenge has ended.
Didn't get much erotica from this but everyone's taste is different.
Well done.

Hello Writer

Quoted Text DON Switch sides?

Did you change character names during a rewrite, or did you want to give Don a cameo appearance?

What is the obsession with this bloody pillow... "THAT pillow"

What was that ending? It happened but it didn't happen, the horn? The horn looks like a payoff but without the setup, so it makes no sense to us.

I like the double-cross she played on him - I then liked the triple cross he played on her (Except did her? I have no idea, he should have done)
You took too long to get to the point that you ran out of pace and time, the random V.O in the middle was odd, as was the obsession with the pillowcase in the beginning.

You need to tighten the second act, some of the chitty-chat can be cut, as well as his midnight V.O.
Actually add some context so the ending makes sense, and play on the double/triple... heck even add a quadruple cross with Rodger getting in on it.

Best of luck with it

She approaches him, helps him get his shirt off.
The Erotic part of Thriller means she should be ripping his shirt off.  

No... No. Not here. Not in this
dump. You got a house.
Rejecting her advances just because of locale? Also, not erotic. Erotic means they'll get down to it whenever, wherever. What's up with this guy playing hard to get?

Mark teases Lily’s hair. She’s
out, topless face down, partially covered in blankets. He
admires her form in the shadows of the blinds, moonlight
peeping tom.
This is more like it.

Aww, gee...

There's a good noir story in this but for the life of me the lack of clarity means I'm not getting the plot. Are there two Marks, or is that just a pun on a marked man?

Lily's a terrific femme fatale I'm presuming, trying to set him up for the fall? She wanted his prints on her gun? The horn? I just don't get it, but I really want to.

Very light on the erotic and the thrills are more intrigue - as written at the moment.
Lots of style, lots of great vibe.

Revisit this after the challenge definitely, cause there's something good here but it needs more.
Love the vibe, like I said.

The writing here needs a lot of work. I found myself kinda glossing through this a little bit. The double cross was fine, the story worked as a film noir -- not sure if it's an erotic thriller, though. Dialogue was fine on the most part, there's just a lot of it here. And it was kinda boring, felt like all exposition to me. And that voice over halfway through was a bit jarring -- no voice over before that and then none after. It was clearly there just to provide exposition/information.

This could be solid after some rewrites. Good effort.

-- Michael

I think I know what this was going for, but I was distracted by some of the writing choices.

Parts I didn't understand:
-Confused about what’s going on with the pillowcase.
-The dialogue felt like it was stuck in feedback loops at times. What was this showing?
-The precise times felt important, but I don’t think they were. Maybe a stylistic choice?
-The coat and gloves seem important, but I don’t think there is a pay-off there.
-How would you film Lily not noticing the gloves?
-The horn part, was this a code for them?

We opened on Lily, but we got Mark’s VO on page 6. If Mark is the focal point, we should probably open on and follow Mark.
Can also do something with misdirecting the ski mask character.

I didn’t understand the ending, I hope the writer clears it up in the comments.

Honestly, the elements are all here for an “Erotic Thriller” but I think there’s an opportunity for some refining.
Good stuff~

The revision is up.
VO went bye bye.
LC will be happy now.
You will also be happy. Feet are involved.
Extra six pages.

Darren, you have something here but it's still got a multitude of typos and it could do with some streamlining of plot.

So, it turns out he's a cop? Wow. This is still a tangled web of intrigue.