Relationship of Convenience by Saban Elaban - Short, Erotic Thriller, Comedy - Officer meets a bombshell at convenience store. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hahaha, The twist at the end was pretty good. Didn't see it coming. And the more I think about it -- I should have when Julie wrote down 911... I enjoyed it...a lot. I thought the dialogue worked nicely here between Gilbert and Julie. It was the highlight for me, but... this was short on thrills IMO. Well-written - no doubt and my favorite so far. -A

No buns, keto  

I think this is a very entertaining comedy. You delivered well in this genre.

There's just not enough heat in this for it to make the grade as an Erotic Thriller though.
Bonus points for the nice touches like Doll-face.

Gilbert's a real prize.  

This is a funny and entertaining Short and would be easy to film on a low budget so honestly, good luck with this, but Erotic Thriller? I don't think we'll find it under that classification on IMDb.

Hi writer,

Okay, maybe I’m just as slow as Gil, or just really hungover, but I didn’t make the connection till the end of what was transpiring, so… kudos for tripping me out a bit.

Probably all that junk food Gil consumes, makes his judgement foggy. I’ve been there done that; you never realize how addicted to processed sugar you actually are… until there’s none in the house.

That being said, I’m not feeling much of a thriller or erotica vibe here, just some banter between two strangers about a precarious situation, perhaps it would have been a little more gripping if I was on the ball for the process, but I’m not: that’s a ‘me’ thing though, not you.

Writing’s good to go IMO, and you do have a unique quirky, slapsticky way of telling stories that’s entertaining enough, so I honestly enjoyed the read, best of luck!

(I'm using the following assessment criteria, and will apply the same to all... is it erotic, is it a thriller, is it low budget and the usual is it any good)

I'm reading and like wtf is going on... and then the penny drops

Damsel - nice.

Okay, this is well written and funny to boot, I really liked it but...

It's not an erotic thriller or close to one, but you knew that, right!

Writer,

Sadly, I'm forced to give this a low score because it wasn't erotic in any way, shape or form. So, you missed that aspect completely. However, I was engaged the entire way through. Good job. Then again, I'm a little slow on the uptake, so as opposed to figuring out what was really happening, I dumb myself down and just read, waiting for the reveal.

Anyway, good job. Sorry I can't score you higher.

Steve

Pretty funny. I enjoyed it. Really nothing to add here. This would make a funny short, very easy to film. I think it would likely get picked up.

Not a real effort at this particular challenge though.

James

There's really no need to tell me characters are attractive. Or somewhere in between.
I was wondering where this was going - usually when convenience stores usually let customers self serve hotdogs, taquitos etc. But I wondered why the parking lot was empty. It shouldn't be. There should be at least one car there.  Julie's Car. or at least, "someone else's car" (Robber)

Not sure why you feel the need to italicize some words and bold others. Let the actors/director decide what words to empathize.

Quoted Text Oh wow, chocolate chip ice-cream. Only $3.69, that�s practically highway robbery

The $ and decimal point isn't spoken. I hate seeing it in dialog.

So-- there's no eroticism here, it's ust a story of a Keystone Cop type, the story just ends at six pages. Again, no cars in the parking lot..   So...does the Robber flee on foot? How did he get there? I wasn't finding it amusing, and the odd behavior made it clear.  So it didn't surprise me much - except where the robber appears. How?  Gil's all over the counter! Maybe Gilbert really is that dumb.

Not into this. Sorry.

I enjoyed this, very funny. Guessed what was happening quite quickly but still an enjoyable read.
Worked as a comedy but not as a thriller and didn't find much eroticism other than a little bit of casual flirting.
Well written and nice characterisation.
Well done.

That was a fun read. I picked up on the robbery pretty quick which made all the misinterpreted hints even funnier. The dialogue only needs a few tweaks to make it sound real/believable, so good work.

Not much of an erotic thriller but a very valiant attempt. Good job, writer. It would be a fun short on a shoestring budget.

Wunderbar!

It totally doesn't fit the challenge at all. But outside of the challenge, this is funny and well-written.

You got across the robbery angle early and naturally and made the rest of the read really fun. Well played.

Best of luck with it

Ha! This was funny. Definitely not an erotic thriller. Not the least bit erotic. But very funny. I did see the twist coming from a mile away, but for some reason, that made it even funnier, knowing how dumb Gilbert was being. I imagined Aubrey Plaza as Julie, that dry, deadpan delivery. And the robber's dialogue at the end was classic comedy, good stuff.

Again, doesn't really follow the theme of the OWC, but it was fun. One of the better ones -- ironically, 2 of my favorites don't really follow the tone of the OWC theme.

-- Michael

I guess Gilbert thinks he's the leading man in the Erotic Thriller playing in his head.

Maybe the actual Erotic Thriller was the friends we made along the way.