Celluloid by R5e (Gum) Writing as Anonymous - Short, Erotic Thriller - Two lewd and crude high school teachers are taught a valuable lesson on the importance of being discreet. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ok, Writer,  it seems you have a knack for comedy, maybe you're trying your hand at writing an erotic thriller for the first time... just guessing, but... this feels more like a dark comedy thriller - not in the vein of Shakespeare in Love. I could see all the humor in these pages, but I thought it was lacking in the erotic department. I bit predictable. Methinks you gave the ending away when Mr. Todd and Mrs. granger went back to the restroom. Some fine writing on display - no doubt that said, I still think you clicked all the boxes. A very solid effort.-A

I couldn't help but notice that junior high school students act a bit more child-like.  Mindy is 13 years old.  Geeky Boy is 12. So they aren't "junior high" then. And since this a field trip, I doubt they will be making fun of the driver. The teacher may be sleeping but the Driver most certainly isn't. The tone sets up light comedy,

heard = herd.

Quoted Text SMASH CUT TO AN INSINUATIVE PG: 13 MONEYSHOT

Ouch. Up until the bathroom, you already turned a PG to an R.  Snorting coke off the breasts of a woman's vare breasts when both parties are in a stall already got you there. It's also not erotic or sexy. You are playing it for laughs, although I'm not sure what's funny. Now you give me a transitional (!) to tell me it's going back to a PG-13?
Really?



I'm not thrilled with the Pennywise reference. Create your own clown. And you should have noted his van earlier.

Quoted Text MR TODD Un-be-leeev-able!

Just write out the word. Anyway, by this point, I'm thinking back to the short bathroom encounter. If the short would be filmed, there really wouldn't be much need for it. We also get a repeat of it at the end.  I'm a little surprised we didn't get a better gotcha! moment  You would think they learned thier lesson and take the relationship public - or at least go to another location in one of their residences. But let's say a new package arrives, and now with more photos . Only this time...it shows them disposing the body of a dead man.

This isn't much of an erotic thriller, but you should at least get me with a nice twist instead of what you gave me.
okay effort. nothing special.

(I'm using the following assessment criteria, and will apply the same to all... is it erotic, is it a thriller, is it low budget and the usual is it any good)

So this is well written and moves at pace, funny at times too. I don't really have too much to add from that perspective.

The sex scene is fun too, but American Pie style, not 91/2 Weeks... and then the reveal of who took the pics... again, funny but... and then the hammer... unfortunately this isn't a comedy challenge

And god I hope my kids don't have teachers like this!

So it's not erotic imho, and the thriller angle is undermined by comedy.

But it is well written.

This was well written and fun, but it doesn't fit the criteria at all.

I particularly liked the 180 of this going from a nice conversation at a park bench into a cocaine fueled sex romp in the outhouse. Wasn't expecting that.

The writer has a talent for comedy, but this wasn't a comedy challenge. Thanks for the fun read, though.

James

Hi.

The thing that worked for me was first and foremost dialog. Very natural funny and full of stuf.

And the thing that didn't - the logistics of it


So, Todd arranged all that? I wonder why? What did he get from the clown? I feel like that's how Todd earns his coke, but I don't get how he can get rich from that.
Granger killed the clown - Todd kind of arranged that - a bit too elaborate I think.

so, the logistics of that should be either thought through or explained better.


You started with kids riding a bus - imho you don't need that scene.
Then it's Todd with his cameras.
Then him and mrs Granger.
The clown came out of nowhere - I wish he was introduced earlier.

But a funny read. And I was in at all times. Nice job overall

This has some sparks of genius with the comedic lines, including:

We’re being blackmailed by an
illiterate clown?!

(mumbles)
... washing down a line of cocaine
with bourbon.

Typo alert:
trampled by the heard.

This threw me a bit:
SMASH CUT TO AN
INSINUATIVE PG:
13 MONEYSHOT:

MR TODD
I can’t feel my face, man! I can’t
feel my fuckin’ face!

Funny stuff.  

The tone went a bit haywire for me with the claw hammer killing. Same thing happened in another one I read where - bang, you're dead - throwing in a cautionary element via a femme fatale maybe? But I'm not sure it suits the setup.

Also, adding sexual content does not eroticism make.
This is slapstick, funny, physical comedy, done well, but I don't think you'd sell this as an Erotic Thrillerhriller.

I'm not sure why this is here:

EXT. FOREST - DAY - CONTINUOUS
A DOUBLE BARREL rifle rings out -- BLAM! BLAM!
A huge flock of birds are startled to flight.

Did I miss the connection?

The kids sound younger than presented but that's a minor fix.

You entertained me and you made me laugh, and you wrote an original for sure, so thank you.

Although some of lines are snappy and funny this overall didn't really work for me. Wasn't much of a thriller and a drug fuelled bathroom encounter doesn't count as erotic to me.
The whole scenario seemed contrived and I didn't understand the ending.
BUT, just because I didn't fully get it didn't mean I don't appreciate the dialogue and the characterisation, I thought they were captured very well.
Well done.

So, this was by far my favorite of the shorts I've read. And I'm pretty sure I can tell who wrote it...

BUT...

This is not an erotic thriller lol. This felt like a cross between "Very Bad Things" and "Bad Teacher", more of a dark comedy/sex romp comedy more in line tone-wise with the aforementioned films and movies like "Bad Santa", hints of "Election", etc.

Still doesn't change the fact that I enjoyed this A LOT. Dialogue was really sharp and I liked the plot, really quirky and out there.

Quoted Text MRS GRANGER “Transfer ten thousand dollars via e-transfer to the email address below before the end of the day, or I tell the principal. No cops, no funny stuf... I hate funny stuf!” (beat) He spelt ‘stuff’ wrong. MR TODD Sick bastard.

That made me fucking laugh.

So, yeah, this doesn't fit the theme of the OWC at all, but it is my favorite that I've read. Awesome, awesome stuff.

-- Michael

Aside from a couple of clunky bits that derailed the read (e.g., the gunshots in the woods & the money shot transition), I found this a really fun and funny story with well written banter. It's too bad that it's such a stretch to fit this into the OWC parameters for sure. One of my favorite entries but it'll be hard to score.

Good job, writer. I recognize the writing too.

Writer,

Loved it! Not a dull moment here. I thought the culprit was Mr Cho -- After all, he did mention making minimum wage. But this was a lot of fun. Not really erotic, but fun! Great job! Thanks!

Steve

Hellow Writer

Quoted Text pretty much craps a cannoli on the spot.

Lol you got comedy chops.

Quoted Text A big obvious as fuck outline of a makeshift grave stares them both in the face.

Man you're killing me lol

That was damn funny - Loved it all. Again this doesn't fit the challenge at all but it was a helluva fun read.

Kudos

Oh man, what a wild ride.

The opening is a bit slow, but that “smash cut” to debauchery made me laugh out-loud, awesome work there.

It is funny that teachers are being blackmailed for thousands of dollars, it could be played even sillier.
The hammer bit was funny.

Oh man, the final Granger and Todd lines made me laugh out loud as well.

When this was silly and ridiculous, it worked for me. I think the slower scenes (after the opener) could use some more "oomph".
Good work~

Thank you kindly everyone for the read, I’ve already revised this a bit based on feedback and plan to resubmit sometime down the line. Glad many of you found it humorous in some way, and I loved the positive energy from the reviews this time around

Many said a comedy is out of scope (however, I never labeled it as such… just erotic-thriller), but all good. I wanted a ‘Big Lebowski’ type scenario wherein there’s absolutely no ‘character arc’ from beginning to end, but, having something definitely transpire for the audience… think I came close with 10 pages of real estate. Shane Black’s ‘The Nice Guys’ was a big inspiration for this as well, the overall drive or cadence of the script that is.

Quoted from jwent6688 This was well written and fun,but it doesn't fit the criteria at all.

Appreciate the positive feedback, however, to say it doesn’t fit the criteria ‘at all’ …?  

Quoted from LC Theme - Seduction (think SEX  & danger, femme fatale, revenge, adultery, double-cross, entrapment, BLACKMAIL  etc.

Sex and Blackmail… check.

Quoted from LC No pornographic depictions (we trust you'll know the difference). Suggestion is often more potent than explicitness.

I couldn’t resist; challenge accepted, lol, covertly buried in a series of subliminal easter eggs, some nastier than the obvious, unfortunately.

Great challenge. Hope to see you all next OWC…!

Some classic one-liners in this, Rick. Very entertaining.