Desert Heat by Roget Ramjette - Short, Erotic Thriller - {no logline} - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi writer,

Yeah, that was definitely a taught, spicy thriller you cooked up, works well with the theme, and ticks all the right boxes.

I guess it never occurred to me, buy femme fatale seduction is exactly what it is, regardless of gender selection. I myself don’t subscribe to things I can’t write, and this is one I couldn’t pull out of a hat in less than a week, so kudos for weaving a complex spell here in just a few pages.

The read is a bit on the heavy side, lots of ink to get through, and might have some (readers) skimming over important details to get to the juicy parts, but I didn’t mind it this time around, you kept me intrigued till the wrap-up. This script should place well in the final round… best of luck!

(I'm using the following assessment criteria, and will apply the same to all... is it erotic, is it a thriller, is it low budget and the usual is it any good)

Is this meant to be in the OWC or is it mis-categorised as it wasn't on the list yesterday?

Anyhow's let's take a look.

Another script where the main characters have no description other than age...

You arrive at the shack with an EXT scene, but then Sara is in the bathroom with no INT to show the transitions between scenes.

And then Nicki goes back outside, again with no scene change, or mini slug etc. Makes it hard to get my bearing on the geography of the script.

Nicki with the gun - nice.

She won't reveal her own name but throws Zeke totally under the bus, classy!

I have believability issues with Sara's reaction, lesbian or not, and Nicki's... but allows for the erotic bit.

So erotic, kinda right at the end, thriller yep and enjoyed that bit, low budget yep.

Decent effort.

Some disorganized thoughts.

You started off with some punch.

Code Throwing the key to Nicki, Sara sits on the floor beside the bowl and closes her eyes. Sara heads outside and runs to the lean to stuck to the side of the shack, pulling on a large tarpaulin she covers the car. Moving to the back of the shack she finds a generator and fires it up. Lights illuminate the inside of the shack as Sara looks up at the newly lit bulb above her.

Found myself re-reading parts of this.

Is it suppose to be Nicki heading outside?

Location changes requires new slugs -- full or mini. I'm guessing you know this.  This feels awfully rushed.

So Sara falling for Nicki was just a ruse?

The ending was predictable. Believe it or not I liked this. But it needs some re-working.

Ghost

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Is this meant to be in the OWC or is it mis-categorised as it wasn't on the list yesterday? ...

Yes, it is.
And, it's an even 10 now, which is very cool.

Slugs have already been addressed, I see. That confused me and slowed down the read.

I thought this was okay. I liked the situation just not how it played out. Find it hard to believe Nicki would be so dumb to take a nap after she just had sex with her cop hostage. So when I hit the end there it kind of fell apart for me. I thought you were going to bring Zeke into the situation. That could've brought the tension this needed to really be a thriller. All in all not bad for an OWC.

james

This was pretty good but the transition to erotic was almost too cheesy. I couldn't help but to hear bad porn music in my head. I think you could write it a lot smoother and seductive. Not just wham-bam. More psychological. Have Sara really get into her head.

Good job, writer.

This bit isn't too bad, although this bit of dialog felt overwritten near the end.

Quoted Text SARA You thought I loved you? You’re a criminal, a scumbag, you took my liberty, you intimidated, threatened and scared me. Did you not think I would have used anything to gain my freedom? Sara puts her hands behind her back and produces the handcuffs. SARA (CONT’D) Get dressed you’re under arrest.

Midway in, some of the F bombs and bitch tirade reads like filler.

I was a bit weary on the "we follow" and "Suddenly" on p1.
others have brought up the transitions errors.

Other than this, the script is fairly decent.

Writer,

Not too bad, but not great. Bit of a hefty read, lots of prose-like sentences, which are not necessary in a script because it equals too much reading. That said, I didn't buy that things would have gone down the way they did. Wasn't really believable, and the dialogue could use some improvement too. Still, the story did not start off badly, but your ending and execution needs work. Good try.

Steve

Another one with a great atmospheric vibe...
Heat - tick. Abduction - tick. Lots of sweat ala Body Heat - tick. Maybe Zeke turning up could have added an extra erotic element?

Just one thing here:

The car winds its way up a long sandy track leaving huge
plumes of dust in its wake. It eventually stops outside an
isolated shack built beside a rock face.

Nice description and I know the title is Desert Heat, and it's a good title, I was just hoping, seeing as we're on the road and going somewhere (and against our will)  that we might end up ala Hitchcock's Suspicion - on a cliff face or at a lighthouse on the edge of a cliff like Final Analysis  I know. There is such a thing as budget, but still...

*For it to be self-contained and make an impact perhaps don't make Nicki so innocent after all (the gun does have bullets) and throw her over the edge. Or maybe hanging on for life and Sara saves her - last conscience call.

Don’t lay this on me, you were
the ones who walked in armed with
intent.
I suppose it does sound like cop-talk but I might have left it at 'armed'.

Some nice banter and sarcasm between the two

Perhaps 'placing' instead of: Laying the water, just for variety? I know, I'm nit-picking...

Add some spice with the little touches, perhaps?
Nicki looks at her then walks away
Instead of the verb: looks
Your choice of verbs can really inject a lot of colour. Try to stay away from generic, ordinary verbs imh.

Similarly here:

Sara tries pulling on the
pipe.

I suggest you delete the tries and replace 'pulls'  with a word like 'yanks' - really show us Sara fighting to escape.

Sara, presumably is locked to that pipe so Nicki would have to hold that glass of water to Sara's mouth, if for instance she locked both her wrists to the pipe. Then Nicki can perhaps wipe her mouth if it spills - that's where you start the attraction building between them and up the 'heat' - or could, at least. Make her powerless - both hands tied? Maybe not even mention 'I'm a lesbian', just have two people attracted to one another, or make it a little less spelled out with her xexual orientation

Along those lines she shouldn't need the water hot btw. Up the sizzle - cold water.

Anyway, couple of typos - commas missing mainly, an apostrophe here: What happen’s next?
- nothing major.

I enjoyed this a lot.

* I think perhaps it needs an added twist or element - maybe in the form of Zeke - maybe? Otherwise it read to me more as a beginning of a longer piece, but you did great with the hot visuals and the mood.

Very nice work!

Hello writer

Even when writing in a rush you should be putting in slugs, maybe you are a newer writer.

A lot of over-writing for me, your descriptions and action need to be punchier.
there was a lot of filler dialogue and a lot of it was on the nose.

It dragged a bit the middle, lost my interest. It needs more thrills to be a thriller.

Quoted Text Nicki walks into the kitchen, returns with the gun and points it at Sara’a face. Sara tenses and pulls harder on the cuffs against the pipes. SARA No, please. Nicki holds the gun in both hands and squeezes on the trigger. Sara screams. And screams. Then realises the gun hasn’t fired. Nicki continues to pull on the trigger. NICKI This loaded gun?

This is a good moment but you need to write in a way to build it up and make it tense.

Quoted Text SARA You thought I loved you?

Why would she think that Nikki thought she loved her? It kinda fell into a corny porn storyline at the end.

Convenient how she found the gun in the fridge.

I appreciate the attempted twist at the end but it's not strong enough.
Should have had Zeke turn up to enhance the thrills in this.

Needs a thorough rewrite in my opinion

Best of luck to you though

I liked the set-up, good action there, but the dialogue felt stiff, and told too much instead of showing.

Sara’s line about kidnapping officials, how it’s a state/fed offense, and how Nikki will be “going down for it” with Zeke is an example of the stiffer/unnatural dialogue

Lines like:
“Yeah, sorry about that too. I panicked, ripped your radio off you and lifted your gun from your holster.”
can definitely be shown. What if Sara touches her empty holster and we flashback to that moment?

The ending could be set-up some more as well.

Lots of interesting elements throughout, might just need another draft.
Good stuff~