You all seem like reasonable types so why wait - we might as well get this over with.

A suicidal writer and his alcoholic friend save the life of a gangster, catapulting them into a world they are ill-equipped to deal with.

I'm under no illusions here and see this WIP as the first step to perhaps learning the nuts and bolts of it all from others who have been down this path before me.

I accept it's not terribly original but would be interested in knowing if I'm doing the basics right

https://www.dropbox.com/s/iszeewgckoiptd4/Getting%20Jeremy%20Todd.pdf?dl=0

To anyone who might be kind enough to take the time, I'm most grateful. Also, please do read the French character's dialogue with the accent in mind as it may read stilted or awkward otherwise.

Many thanks.

Wayne: Overall, this is pretty darn good.

You do have grammar issues throughout.  General areas:

Missing hyphens - example:

Quoted Text A coffee ringed manuscript on a desk beside an ancient

Should be:

A coffee-ringed manuscript....

Spacing issues - several places where you don't insert a space where there needs to be one. Example:

Quoted Text ALAIN Impossible.Nobody hates my parties.

Need a space between Impossible and Nobody.

And here:

Quoted Text A coffee ringed manuscript on a desk beside an ancient laptop, two cheap bottles of red in a dusty rack.The place is soulless and as cheap as they come.

Space needed between rack and The.

Other grammar issues as well throughout (lies vs. lays, Dr. rather than Dr, etc.) . Anyway - I have similar problem and I use the free version of Grammarly to help me.

https://app.grammarly.com/

I cut and paste my scripts into a WORD doc and use this free version and it catches most of those nasty little grammar issues - try it out.

Not crazy about how you do the ages for your characters (a bit inefficient) and I always like to show what they are carrying right away because that is when we first see it. Also - try to avoid phrases like walks in when enters does the trick.g., I would write this:

Quoted Text Forty year-old JEREMY TODD walks through carrying two small paper bags. He’s a defeated man with a hangdog face.(Think forty year-old Allan Rickman)

As this:

JEREMY TODD (40), carrying two small paper bags, enters

Note: I would also lose the Rickman reference.

Really enjoy your dialogue.

Keep at it - you will be good at this.

Hi Wayne,

I thoroughly enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading the rest. I've no idea where it might be heading but I love your characters and banter.

Although it does not state where this takes place, in my mind it must be somewhere in Quebec, perhaps?

I can't argue with Dave's comments, especially re: Rickman. You'd be better off with just a good description.

Let us know when there's more to read.
~John

Quoted from eldave1 Wayne: Overall, this is pretty darn good. You do have grammar issues throughout.  General areas: Missing hyphens - example: Should be: A coffee-ringed manuscript.... Spacing issues - several places where you don't insert a space where there needs to be one. Example: Need a space between Impossible and Nobody. And here: Space needed between rack and The. Other grammar issues as well throughout (lies vs. lays, Dr. rather than Dr, etc.) . Anyway - I have similar problem and I use the free version of Grammarly to help me. https://app.grammarly.com/ I cut and paste my scripts into a WORD doc and use this free version and it catches most of those nasty little grammar issues - try it out. Not crazy about how you do the ages for your characters (a bit inefficient) and I always like to show what they are carrying right away because that is when we first see it. Also - try to avoid phrases like walks in when enters does the trick.g., I would write this: As this: JEREMY TODD (40), carrying two small paper bags, enters Note: I would also lose the Rickman reference. Really enjoy your dialogue. Keep at it - you will be good at this.

Thanks for bringing those pesky grammar issues to light and offering a solution, David. You're the second person in two days from SS recommending Grammarly, so I'm sold. Thanks for outlining how you use it also.

The age of the characters has been buggin' me as well, and what with you also highlighting the issue, I'm now convinced it's a problem that has to be addressed. Thanks.

Your more succinct method of introducing a character entering has also been noted and taken on board.

I don't want to gush, David, but having a person with your experience and writing calibre tirelessly attending to us newbies is really a boon for us lot. You have my sincerest gratitude.

Thank you.

Quoted from JEStaats Hi Wayne, I thoroughly enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading the rest. I've no idea where it might be heading but I love your characters and banter. Although it does not state where this takes place, in my mind it must be somewhere in Quebec, perhaps? I can't argue with Dave's comments, especially re: Rickman. You'd be better off with just a good description. Let us know when there's more to read. ~John

I really appreciate you taking the time to cast an eye and offer an opinion, John. Cheers.

Rightly or wrongly it seems more natural for me to wing it and let the story unfold as it will, rather than lay out any story line or plot prior, so I'm not exactly sure where it's going either other than two hapless guys getting mixed up with gangsters. Perhaps in the near future the foolhardiness of the "seat of your pants" approach will reveal itself.

The Allan Rickman reference has been removed - thanks for pulling me up on that.

As far as where it takes place, I'm not sure. The locations are drawn from my own experience, but with an array of nationalities in the idea, I guess it could sit anywhere in a western country. I understand how the early introduction of a French accent might suggest to someone the piece takes place in Quebec. You've actually given me food for thought.

Thanks for taking the time, John. I'm most grateful for you interrupting what was most likely otherwise a perfectly serviceable day.

Wayne

Wayne, pretty impressive for a first shot at it. I think you've been swotting while lurking.

I won't repeat what's already been said.

This is funny and quirky
I laughed out loud at the 'hymen' line, despite myself.

You should Cap HOUSEWIFE. Even though she has no dialogue she's an active character.

Hi What ya having needs punctuation.
Hi, what ya having?

Same here. Offset personal address with a comma.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Ditto here:
Oh, very fucking clever.

Sat at a table, eating a burger.
Mixing tenses there.

Capitalise the word French, whether noun or adjective.
I'm French, it's expected
Funny line there too.

I think you're using CONTINUOUS too often.
I don't know... You're making me examine whether all those scenes are in fact without any time breaks. Or are they seconds/minutes later.

You have a real Odd Couple type scenario here and it works.

The only qualm I have is that these guys don't read as in their forties to me. More like sixties. They're hardly past it, but they sound really old and jaded.

The crazy kid should utter Munchausens imh, before launching herself at the wall.

Oh, you reminded me that Alan Rickman died.   2016. Too young at sixty-nine.

Anyway, I digress.

Very entertaining. A great first effort!

.

Quoted from LC Wayne, pretty impressive for a first shot at it. I think you've been swotting while lurking. I won't repeat what's already been said. This is funny and quirky I laughed out loud at the 'hymen' line, despite myself. You should Cap HOUSEWIFE. Even though she has no dialogue she's an active character. Hi What ya having needs punctuation. Hi, what ya having? Same here. Offset personal address with a comma. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. Ditto here: Oh, very fucking clever. Sat at a table, eating a burger. Mixing tenses there. Capitalise the word French, whether noun or adjective. I'm French, it's expected Funny line there too. I think you're using CONTINUOUS too often. I don't know... You're making me examine whether all those scenes are in fact without any time breaks. Or are they seconds/minutes later. You have a real Odd Couple type scenario here and it works. The only qualm I have is that these guys don't read as in their forties to me. More like sixties. They're hardly past it, but they sound really old and jaded. The crazy kid should utter Munchausens imh, before launching herself at the wall. Oh, you reminded me that Alan Rickman died.   2016. Too young at sixty-nine. Anyway, I digress. Very entertaining. A great first effort! .

Hi, LC. Very generous of you to take the time, it's really appreciated - honestly!

I confused "swot" with "swaddle' and wondered how wrapping myself tightly in blankets for a couple of years might have been of any help learning

Thanks for the "capping" advice on the housewife, I'm still not entirely sure where capping applies other than sound - more swaddling to do.

It pleases me more than it should that someone has suggested this piece might be "quirky', as that was something I was going for - I'm floating.

I was actually going to ask if I was using CONTINUOUS correctly.

The whole grammar thing is somewhat embarrassing, hopefully I won't torture others with it for much longer after now having been given the lead to Grammarly.

LC, once again, big thanks for taking the time, I hope I might be able to repay your kindness at some point.

Cheers

Quoted from WayneM Thanks for bringing those pesky grammar issues to light and offering a solution, David. You're the second person in two days from SS recommending Grammarly, so I'm sold. Thanks for outlining how you use it also. The age of the characters has been buggin' me as well, and what with you also highlighting the issue, I'm now convinced it's a problem that has to be addressed. Thanks. Your more succinct method of introducing a character entering has also been noted and taken on board. I don't want to gush, David, but having a person with your experience and writing calibre tirelessly attending to us newbies is really a boon for us lot. You have my sincerest gratitude. Thank you.

My pleasure - keep at it!

Continuous refers to action that moves from one location to another without any interruptions in time.

I'll take another look at it a bit later.

FYI: CAP every new character on introduction - e.g. when we first see them.

Go easy on the Capping of Sounds. I'd personally reserve that for high tension moments like a gunshot, or something you really want to draw attention to that's intrinsic to plot.

Hi Wayne,

Took a read of this today.

To answer the question in your first post, yes I think you more than have a grasp of the basics. As others have noted there are some issues throughout but this is a pretty darn good starting point.

The dialogue felt natural and gave me a sense of these two guys. The basic format, although I didn't like a few of the choices (personal preference, not incorrect), they didn't detract from the read itself.

Get the grammar under control and the spacing in some instances and I think you are well on your way.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you will bring to an OWC or Writer's Tournament in the near future.

Good luck with this.

Quoted from Warren Hi Wayne, Took a read of this today. To answer the question in your first post, yes I think you more than have a grasp of the basics. As others have noted there are some issues throughout but this is a pretty darn good starting point. The dialogue felt natural and gave me a sense of these two guys. The basic format, although I didn't like a few of the choices (personal preference, not incorrect), they didn't detract from the read itself. Get the grammar under control and the spacing in some instances and I think you are well on your way. I'm looking forward to seeing what you will bring to an OWC or Writer's Tournament in the near future. Good luck with this.

Hey, Warren. A big thank you for giving me your thoughts and compliment of a "darn good starting point". Thanks.

I'm quite eager to tackle to tackling a OWC or tournament whenever the next one comes around, so I guess we'll see what I can bring - if anything. Ha!

I had a peek at your website and read Crazy in Love, Rats of a Feather and The Painter and will head back there when time allows for more. Nice job on your shorts.

Cheers
Wayne

Quoted from LC Continuous refers to action that moves from one location to another without any interruptions in time. I'll take another look at it a bit later. FYI: CAP every new character on introduction - e.g. when we first see them. Go easy on the Capping of Sounds. I'd personally reserve that for high tension moments like a gunshot, or something you really want to draw attention to that's intrinsic to plot.

Thanks, LC. Noted.

Quoted from WayneM Hey, Warren. A big thank you for giving me your thoughts and compliment of a "darn good starting point". Thanks. I'm quite eager to tackle to tackling a OWC or tournament whenever the next one comes around, so I guess we'll see what I can bring - if anything. Ha! I had a peek at your website and read Crazy in Love, Rats of a Feather and The Painter and will head back there when time allows for more. Nice job on your shorts. Cheers Wayne

No problem, will take another look when it's completed.

Cheers for taking a look at some of my work.

I took another look at the Continuous drone scene.

I would have thought that end sequence might be Minutes Later, but really I'm not sure to be honest. It's Drone POV and it does an aerial view then drop-off and pick-up. ??

Maybe Warren or Dave can shed light here, Wayne. Continuous headings always get me. They can be overused, and wrongly used.

Also, the LATER headings in the opening with the time lapse/clock, didn't sit right formatting wise. Later should technically be on its own line imh. Maybe just show the clock ticking over. I could be wrong...

Quoted from LC I took another look at the Continuous drone scene. I would have thought that end sequence might be Minutes Later, but really I'm not sure to be honest. It's Drone POV and it does an aerial view then drop-off and pick-up. ?? Maybe Warren or Dave can shed light here, Wayne. Continuous headings always get me. They can be overused, and wrongly used. Also, the LATER headings in the opening with the time lapse/clock, didn't sit right formatting wise. Later should technically be on its own line imh. Maybe just show the clock ticking over. I could be wrong...

For me CONTINUOUS is exactly that, a perfect continuation of the shot, no time has passed other than the time it has taken to move from one scene to another. I use it sparingly when I really feel I want clarity that no time has passed, eg. a person chasing someone out of a motel room. We would have INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY to EXT. MOTEL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS. For me I feel if I put DAY in the second heading it loses a bit of momentum and almost works like a scene reset button (all personal preference).

LATER and MOMENTS LATER are technically scene headings and if you use Final Draft they will actually start auto-populating if you type them while in the scene heading prompt. The way LATER was formatted here is one of the things I was referring to about format choices, I don't like the way it is done here, but I also still feel it is clear.