Alison's Shopping Spree by Vincent A Masson - Short, Drama - A young girl is treated to an unexpected shopping spree by her mother. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not a bad effort but just a few tips to help you out.
You don't need to include 'Elementary School' in your action line as you already have it in the scene heading. So instead just put...

    INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - CLASS - DAY

    ALISON YOUNG - five years old - sits by herself.

...see how it gets information across faster? Sharper? Try and get action across with fewer words. So instead of...

     Suddenly--the classroom phone rings. The teacher answers it, mutters a couple of "uh huhs", then turns to
     Alison with great interest, after she hangs up.

...maybe put...

     The classroom phone rings. Teacher answers. Hangs up and turns to Alison.

...see what I mean?

In the second scene heading you could put...

            INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

            Alison walks by herself to the office.

...then...

            INT. OFFICE - DAY

            She steps inside. The receptionist is about to greet her when...
                              
                                              LISA YOUNG (O.S)  
                                       Hey baby!

...just makes it a bit clearer to visualise.

I would change the action lines on page 10 so it reads a bit clearer. Is the mother offering the apologetic look or Alison?

I do really like how it reads when the owner looks through the camera, nice.

So yeah just keep these in mind and you'll just get better and better. Good luck!

            

      

          

            







        

Hey, thank you so much for your thoughts! Appreciate the help with the formatting! Cheers!

No problem. I have some stories on here, you're welcome to have a look if you want. I don't yet know how to add a link to them here but I'll give you a list below anyway.

* Fur and no Whiskers

* Unboxing

* Pink Primate

* Piecing Together

All said above... nice premise and story.

Thanks so much. Appreciate it.