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The Intruder - May (currently 579 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:40pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16431 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Intruder by Anonymous - A man is surprised to find an intruder in his house. But that isn't the end of the evening's surprises. Short, Horror |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4500 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Writing itself is a bit messy and the dialog is pretty clunky, but I actually dig the story and the multiple twists. You even ended it with a sting in the tail. Just wish the writing was tighter. Still, a real solid effort here. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:41pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This was different. Interesting take on the twist. Definitely unique.
The writing was a bit clunky though. Toby's dialog on page 1 was a bit awkward, IMO. Some descriptions could use some polishing. Like "shoots him in shock"...odd phrasing.
Nice entry though. I do like how you handled the twist. Def didn't think that's how it would end! |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I liked the twist and the reversal of roles with our protag and antag. But I wasn't a fan of the writing itself -- a little messy. And not a big fan of the dialogue. Felt like generic mob talk, something I'd hear in a Simpsons episode or something. BUT... again, I dug the twist, even though it leaves us with nobody to root for really. And the ending was punctuated nicely.
-- Michael |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:00pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Nice unexpected twist and reveal. A bit hard to follow in places but I can tell the writer enjoyed writing this. Good horror notes. Meets the challenge, for sure.
Good work, writer. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
I didn't understand this:
Quoted Text The figure in the BG turns on a lamp. |
Cool twist. Not as crisp as it good be in the descriptive blocks. The dialogue was pretty stereotypical - there was really a chance here to add a unique sinister voice. Kudos for entering. |
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MarkD |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:20pm |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Very nice. The cannibal reveal was well done. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:52pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
So Vincent didn't notice Toby downstairs watching TV when he went upstairs to kill some dead people? And everything Toby does in the first page is to fake out Vincent? And Vincent conveniently dropped his knife by the side of the bed so that Toby could pick it up later, but Vincent is also carrying a gun just in case he loses the knife? And Toby has a hypodermic which may or may not have been used in the original killings of the wife and kids? And a bound and gagged Frankie spooks Vincent into shooting him?
A killer mistaking another killer for the would-be victim could be fun, but there are too many things in tis script that just don't hang together. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:29pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
Quoted Text TOBY (CONT'D) (screaming) You motherfucker! |
No real need for "screaming" we can tell by what is going on and the exclamation. It just wastes space on a 2 pager. The dialogue needs a lot of work. A decent enough tale but the writing could use some work. All the best. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:40am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Nice twisty turny tale.
The execution wasn't great, don't know what "BG" means or how someone who is tied up can reach for someone.
Having a cannibal and a vengeful mobster break into your house on the same night is very bad luck indeed lol
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Warren |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:42am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Nice twisty turny tale.
don't know what "BG" means
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:49am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Had to read it twice to get it, I think partially due to the writing which was a bit clunky but I presume that is down to rushing.
Lots of twists and certainly meets the criteria, the sheer scale of coincidences involved for this to occur is just too much for me. You would think Vincent would know the difference between this guy's family (and his address) and some random victims he's just paralyzed, and that is just the beginning of the huge setup required for this to be pulled off.
But you did a LOT in 2 pages and well done for that! |
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Reply: 11 - 26 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:46am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts790 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
A good tale with a decent twist but needs a rewrite. |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:15pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Nice twist at the end, confused me a little at first but reread it and I think I have a handle on it. Well done. |
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bert |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:29pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
This one isn't for me. It feels composed on the fly, with screeching twists and turns that are just too much for this piece.
I get what the author is going for, but (IMO) this type of horror demands a certain degree of subtlety to work, and that is difficult to capture in two pages. |
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