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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Smiler - May
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  Author    Smiler - May  (currently 667 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Smiler by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Smiley Emoji - Short, Horror - A man with a freakish frozen smile on his face follows a woman down a deserted side street, determined to carry out his duty. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 9th, 2021, 12:29pm
revised draft
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Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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This is pretty awesome! Creepy and super creative. Excellent and descriptive writing. Very suspenseful without a word of dialog. Great work.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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This reads WAAAAAY too similar to "The Smiling Man" short that went viral (there's a few variations of the short online). I do like the twist ending, but it just feels like a rewrite of an existing work.



Writing was okay, though it felt rushed, which sort of killed the tension and suspense while reading.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Well done


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Well, that was different. Didn't expect that, so you got me. However, I did not feel the tension of the pursuit the way you may have intended. Something more dreadful or foreboding was missing here. Not quite sure what it was.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

This has very much been done, the twist adds a little something new but the whole build up is very similar to another short out there.

This one was just middle of the road for me.

All the best.

EDIT

Michael knows what I'm talking about.


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MarkD
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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Very clearly inspired by the classic Smiling Man creepypasta. I liked this one.
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Pleb
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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This is the first one I'm going to comment on of the ones I read, but I'm noticing a very similar theme to quite a few of these, and it does come across pretty derivative. Having said that the writing is pretty good and it was easy to visualise as I was reading.

Good luck


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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The Smiler and the Frowner

Smiler comes across as creepy, with all the matching movements. Wasn't that much of a fan of the Frowner but liked the reversal of roles.

The writing could be tightened up a lot to be honest.

Best of luck


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

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Very interesting - a story that's been done many, many times but throw in two freakish characteristics to set it apart. It wasn't until you see the upside-down features that it becomes something greater than the average. Good work, writer.  
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Decent story and no dialogue, simple in it's telling.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand a lot of this. Why is the pursuer smiling if he's just returning her purse? Why is she so freaky? If the "frowner" wanted to go after this guy, why was she running away?

I'm sure the imagery would be cool if shot, but I feel I'd be baffled at the ending.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Weird, but that's not a bad thing.

I just think some of it doesn't quite hang together.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gum
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



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Smiler – Joker, and then Frowner; I think we’re in Gotham, which makes it dark and surreal. Not sure why she would snarl and give chase if she’s so fugly, you’d think she’d get his number, hook up, and bare fugly kids. None the less, it had a fun turnaround and meets the challenge. Best of luck.
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Spqr
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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The apparent stalker turns out to be a good guy, and the would-be victim turns out to be a baddie, is an all-too-common theme. I think it would have been more fun if the two freaks found each other attractive and then tried to find a way to kiss.
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