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This is great. Beats and comedic timing are great. If it's not physical gags, then you have some great dialogue. Can really see the relationship between the men in this family.
I'd use an em dash here as opposed to an ellipsis. The em dash signifies a thought or piece of dialogue ending or changing abruptly, or getting interrupted.
Quoted Text
OWEN Dad’s Viva-based emergency plan.
Very funny
Lots of the comedy works, some not so much, mainly because of how stupid these guys come off.
I'll preface this by saying that comedy is hard to write. And comedy, like most anything, is subjective. This had some snappy dialogue, but the jokes just didn't land for me. I do like the bit at the end where the boys rationalize flushing the ashes down the toilet. But this one was just okay for me.
This is okay, and I know the drill; comedy is subjective, but this has Modern Family written all over it. So, honestly, at first read I wasn’t too jazzed, and the comedy fell flat, un-tonic (as in: non-sparkling).
That being said, I decided there’s gotta be a comedic tone in this I’m missing, so I decided to read it again, but on the second read through I put everyone except the Dad in Sunday Casual Drag, as in… flamboyant; okay, now it’s funny, and urbane; RuPaul called, he wants his skit back. It’s funny and quirky and would/could work with the right frame of approach… à la Modern/RuPaul, lol. Best of luck.
Yep, good thinking outside the box (or Urn, in this case) to get where you wanted to go. Very imaginative and clever, and the ending was the cherry on top.
Not the brightest this lot, are they? Very enjoyable. Great title too.
Comedy is tough. I tried my first one for this challenge, so we'll see how it goes. Finding comedy in situations isn't hard, but delivering comedic situations is another story. This felt like a reach for delivering funny situations.
Action lines not bad, but could be fleshed out with stronger verbs or more visual writing. Be specific when necessary, be general the rest of the way.
Char intro's weren't bad as far as shorts go. I like to see last names and more given to each character try to never put more than two char's in one action line. Good use of all caps on MEN as that is the first time we see them, but then I prefer to see one char per action line. Hard to waste that space in a sport, so no worries here.