Sweet Brandy by Not Him, The Other Guy - A plain-spoken father recounts a tale of childhood tragedy in an ill-judged attempt to comfort his grieving teenage son.  Location: Public Bathroom. Object: Urn of ashes.  Short, Dark Comedy

Ha! Nice one. No complaints with the writing talent - good work. A couple of the dialogue blocks were fairly long-winded but I dealt with it. Kudos!

Definitely well written, but it didn't really gel with me. I kept waiting for something to happen. If it was actually filmed I'd wonder if I'd feel a little cheated that I had to listen to all this dialogue just to get to the joke that he was talking to the wrong person. Kind of like one of those jokes where it takes 20 minutes to tell, and then has a purposely underwhelming punchline (Norm MacDonald's Moth joke comes to mind). But this is kind of reversed, your punchline was quite funny, but it seemed to take a while to get there.

Still, maybe a good actor could make this dialogue really compelling as he tries to comfort his son.

This was really well done. I like the cadence of the dialogue, maybe a a little too much of it but it didn't take away from the read. I had to go back and re-read the last bit cause I didn't catch the twisty bit,  but that is on me bing distracted most of the time. I totally got what you were trying to do with it and it worked well IMO.  Good job.

Enjoyed this one. Some talent here with writing dialogue. Some sections could be tightened up. I think the monologue would be more engaging if we hear "Seth" behind the bathroom stall make some sort of acknowledgement through noise. A sniffle, a cough or some sort? Just so it leads the audience to believe he is actually in there until the reveal.

The humor here really wasn't for me. The long blocks of dialogue seemed to drag. And the punchline didn't really hit for me, with the girl's father going into the bathroom. June's dialogue suggests that the girl's father is beating Weldon up, but we just see the girl's father storming in. So, what's Weldon still doing in there? And is this a unisex bathroom, or were they in the girl's room? I'm not sure if the story was graphic enough for the 14 year old girl to be that terrified.

I dunno, maybe this went over my head. Good effort, though.

-- Michael

Quoted Text IN THE CUBICLE

You mean stall???

Okay - cute little mis-direct there. The dialogue - while very genuine - was way too long for me.  Any interruption would have helped (like the wife knocking on the door or something).  

But I do like the story.

Good work here, dialogue, although a bit too long winded, felt really authentic.

I enjoyed the payoff.

Probably my favourite so far.

All the best.

This is a very fine script, but it's not a comedy, so I have to take that into account when scoring it.

Definitely a dark comedy if you ask me

And, well, that there's death. She
comes to us all, man and beast, be it
at the hands of time or a fireside
implement to the base of the skull.

Funny stuff.  

Mixed bag for me of pure genius, and some of it going over my head.

Had to reread this one... so Weldon went into the girl's bathroom by accident. Not sure why that went over my head. I may have skimmed past the part when you describe Seth coming out from the bathroom on the opposite side. Which does make it funnier since that's pretty much the joke lol. Still not sure if the humor was really for me, the dialogue was a little long, which may be why I skimmed over that one part. Nevertheless, now that I "got" it after a reread, it does make more sense lol.

Some really good dialogue. Though, there's a LOT of it. Maybe there's a way to cut it down just a tad?

Still, well done. I enjoyed it.

I have to admit I really liked this one. Read it more than twice just to be sure but I thought it was well written and executed.
Very well done.

This was pretty good, one of the better comedy entries.

Some long winded dialogue that can easily be shortened to make it easy on the eye.

Good entry

Yes, comedy is subjective, and this one worked for me.

I was thinking you could lose the entire scene outside with June before Weldon goes in, but I see that's part of the payoff, so just simplify it. They don't need their own story, just get her to prod him to go inside. I also think it would pay off better if you didn't have Weldon tell what he thinks is Seth to come on out, implying he's just going to keep on talking all manner of horrors to the petrified little girl and making her father rushing in that much funnier.

Trim this down and tighten it up and it works. The look on the girl's face is the big payoff, get to the final payoff with the dad as fast as you can.

Nice job, it made me laugh.