SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:44am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  Acolyte - May2
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Acolyte - May2  (currently 599 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 10:27am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Acolyte by Casey Jones - A train station guard waiting to go home is surprised by the last package of the night.  Location: Train station. Object: Human body part. Short, Horror


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  May 17th, 2021, 9:30pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
This is a great start but it's just unfinished. I'd be even more satisfied if it ended with 'To be continued' than 'Fade Out'. Quite a few punctuation and grammar faux pas but I won't count them too much against you, being a 72-hour challenge.

Good work - needs an ending!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 24
Zack
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
This one is great. Mostly excellent writing. My only issue is that Aurek's dialog was pretty hammy.

Still, love the dark implication of the ending. Messed up stuff.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 24
eldave1
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Ya know, I loved the opening two pages - really, really well done.

I thought the second two were well done

Yet

They seemed like they were from different stories to me - like the connection was too lose, or there needed to be a stronger link between the opening and closing - I'll re-read again later to reevaluate because i really enjoyed the writing.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 24
ReneC
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
As far as horror goes, this one has the tone and gore nailed.

The dialogue with family went a bit long for me, it could be trimmed a bit tighter. And then we switch to not enough detail for everything else. You tell us we see an Aurek, a demon, but no description for it. Same with scenes of horror, fire, death, destruction. It's cheating to tell and not show, this is still a screenplay.

This is a bigger concept than you could pull off in four pages, and it shows. The writing is decent, with some errors throughout but nice descriptions. The dialogue is on the cheesy side, particularly for the demon.

Oh, and watch your repetitions. I think I counted five uses of "light" in the first half page.

Nice attempt, it could be something with the space it needs.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 24
spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1186
Posts Per Day
0.20
I really liked this one. Interesting visual -- I assume the severed head was the stolen skull Barney read about in the news? And now it's fleshing out more and more as it has people do it's evil bidding. Very imaginative concept and execution. And Barney really seems like a good guy. I hated to see this happen to him. And now his family is in trouble.

Overall, good work. One of the better ones.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 24
Spqr
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Loved it. Aurek is a nasty SOB. Hope Sarah escapes and is instrumental in his downfall.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 24
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
The setup seemed too long for such a short, I get why you did it so the horror of him being taken over hits harder.

Question - If the audience sees flashes of light on a train as it goes past, will they assume it is gunfire if they can't hear it?

Solid writing, meets the criteria, just too grim for my tastes and reads like a darker version of The Mummy franchise.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 24
Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:12am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.50
I really liked the build up and writing of this one. I could guess that whatever was in the sack will do no good to Barney(anyone could, since it's horror). Good visuals as well. Really a nice read.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 24
Pleb
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:35am Report to Moderator
New


Location
UK
Posts
444
Posts Per Day
0.15
Decent entry here. Nice set up (though could be trimmed a little) that's perfectly juxtaposed with how dark it gets.

Nice flowy writing too.

Well done.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 24
Cypher99
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
10
Posts Per Day
0.01
A couple of the early lines could be combined to save space.

Char intro's bland, common in shorts, so just saying, but would still like some sense of style or personality.

Good opening dialogue, phone calls should use VO, not OS. OS is for a character being present, just not in camera view.

Lucinda (V.O.)
(over the phone)
Hi, honey...etc

Action lines can easily be tightened up. Lots of prose and passive verbs slow it down. Active verbs and better visual writing will add to the tension, which is there just not as much as it should be. The scene with the train going through until he sees the head were perfect conditions for strong writing to create a compelling image.

Dialogue fell apart for me on pg 3.  Good concept, but hard to deliver in such a short time so it feels like shortcuts were taken.  

Good concept, just too much to get across effectively in 4 pages.  I'd love to see what can be done in 5-10.





Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 24
stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Page 1 - that’s a lot of lights…

Wasn’t really buying into Barney’s initial reaction in talking to the severed head.

Do we need to see it’s a severed head straightaway?  Maybe see Barney’s reaction and then the voice for extra chills and suspense.

The VISIONS part feels a little too rushed through.  Definitely big budget.

A decent little sting in the tail to end on as we imagine the horror to come.

Engaging enough but another one that feels bigger than the constraints can do justice to.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 24
irish eyes
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
Packed a lot into 4 pages, obviously too much as we don't have an ending.

Well written and a good premise.
Nice visuals.

Overall a good entry


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 24
Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 7:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hi Writer


Quoted Text
BARNEY
NOOOOOOOOOO.


That was cheesy lol

I think I get it, some kind of past demon/deity or other evil force is trying to regain his body and former self and does so through the death of others.
Aurek seems to be talking to him through his mind... personally I would have had a previous victim/acolyte turn up with the head (someone who has already murdered everyone he knows) to basically pass on the torch to Barney.
As it stands the strings are a bit too loose for me to really enjoy it.

Not a bad effort though.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 24
MarkItZero
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 11:48am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
Took me a minute to get it but I think I'm just slow this week. So this is the missing skull he read about and it's killing people to make itself corporeal. I like that. Cool idea and pretty good execution. Ending was disturbing.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 24
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The May 2021 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006