The Deepest, Darkest Water by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as Fjord Explorer - Short, Sci Fi - Disaster strikes the first manned mission to Europa. 7 pages

Production: Single location, two actors onscreen, two brief voice-overs. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm a bit torn on this one. Meets the challenge, for sure, but the payoff hit so late that I was kind of let down. Also thought it odd how nonchalant our submariners were when all systems shut down and it seemed that they were going to drift into oblivion. And the implant? What was that?

Great imagination - the reveal could have been explored more.

Imaginative for sure. Like the setting.

Some of the dialogue was really OTN - this for example:

Quoted Text CHADWICK Mine, too. We could blow the ballast tanks, but that would just bump us up against the underside of the ice. It’s not like the Aquarius is carrying a spare sub to come rescue us.

Overall - pretty good effort

Excellent world-building. Love the setting and the setup.

The peril felt a little thin. Mainly, I think because they seem so chill. Very professional of them, but less interesting from a story standpoint.

I did like the twist at the end.

All in all, well done. I enjoyed it.

Pretty good story. However, when death threatens a protagonist, the audience is supposed to care. In this script, Chadwick and Olivier spend all their time talking tech, rather than establishing themselves as individuals we should like. And the Voice at the end is a nice surprise, but how is the audience to know it's an alien, rather than just another human speaking? One way around this, for example, is for the alien to materialize holographically in the cabin.

Maybe this went over my head... but this was all a test? And they're rewarded for making the right decision?

This was okay for me, but all the science talk to a simple guy like me is a little boring. It was well written though. And I do admire the imagination it takes to create a story like this. Just fell a little flat for me.

-- Michael

Needs a tiny bit more suspense. It somehow read quite low key to me.
Great surprise twist at the end!

Bland char intro's.  Giving Olivier a cross around his neck would be  a nice setup for him performing the sign of the cross and deliver info about his character.

Prob shouldn't intro SHEN since we don't see them, yet. No indication if male/female.  Prob just need MALE VOICE or female with the (V.O.)

It felt convoluted to me.  Reordering some of the action lines and dialogue could add clarity.  I also think dropping the first page (the launch) and getting right into exploration would give the time needed to bring about better resolution.

I LOVE the concept , btw, just not thrilled with the execution. Cleanest part of the writing was using spent glow stick to show the passage of time.  That is a technique I don't see often.

Hey writer

Great plot, nice imagination you have. They were in a dire situation but I didn't feel it that much, I should be anxious for them but I wasn't.
Got a tad bored of them just trying to fix stuff.

I don't quite understand the ending. Did they find an Alien outpost?

Anyway, best of luck

Obviously well written and meets the parameters but confused as to whether this was a real world scenario where the submariners thought they would die or if they were duped as it was all a test. Either way it lacked any real suspense but there was a lot in those four pages.
Well done.

I enjoyed this but I didn't get a real sense of threat, they seemed to be a bit chill to their plight... could be their training I guess.

And then the ending, am I reading it right that some Aliens are on the moon too and have allowed them to survive given their imminent selfless act, or am I way off?

Well written though.

That's some good French cursing there!  

Excellent world building. Everything made sense to me, but this is my jam. The story is fine, though it does bump up on things we've seen before (The Abyss, Mission to Mars, etc.). The dialogue is too lighthearted for such a dire situation though, it would have been better if you'd spent a bit more time with them frustrated that their solutions should be working but aren't. You only really have that one line of "this doesn't make any sense" but we don't know why.

As for the ending, it would have been a good idea to call the voice ALIEN VOICE. That would have made it crystal clear. And, an ending isn't a line of dialogue, it's a reaction, and that's missing. They just got hit with a double whammy of their lives being saved and (presumably) first contact. Show us something.

All in all, a good job, I like it. Well done.

You don't get across the peril these characters are in. They act like they are on a training exercise, so much so I thought that was the case.

Nice world-building and a good little twist at the end, but it just misses the mark for me.

Cool idea. Seems like you put a lot of effort into the tech stuff and that felt real. Just needs more intensity from the two of them going through this life threatening event.

Solid twist.

Very well written.

I was starting to feel claustrophobic and to be honest as was actually hoping they would peril.

But alas they were saved and it was all a program of some sorts.

Really enjoyed this one