The Right Choices by Matthew Taylor (writing as Hindsight) - Short, Sci Fi, Thriller - A remorseful old man gets a unique chance to make a better choice. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A banger right out of the gate! I've seen similar before, the premise isn't new, but the writing is still compelling and the execution solid. I don't have much to say, except for the one typo I caught (peek, not peak). If that opening super is a quote it should be credited to someone.

Excellent entry!

victim's - not victims

Okay - writing was crisp, clean and to the point.

An imaginative tale well told. I really enjoyed this one.

Nice! This was the best one I've read so far. A lot of emotional punch and some great, artsy imagery, them at the body of water and then we see them in the hearing room. And Herb is a guy we can empathize with. Many of us would have done the same thing, seeing our dead kid like that and then seeing the drunken driver responsible. Even if it was in front of the drunk driver's daughter -- I feel like having a father like that was almost as harmful to her psyche as seeing him get shot.

Awesome stuff.

-- Michael

Great writing, very good dialogue at the beginning with his answers to the questioning. Don't really have anything to suggest. Good job.

This reminds me very much of the SK time loop movie, A Day, where our protagonist has to make a certain choice to escape the loop. With a little Minority Report thrown in too.

I didn't get much out of the "reliving the past" plot. I've seen it from "would you murder such and such" to "who goes to the prom".

The writing is very good, but it never really mattered to me what would happen in this. The stakes seemed very low to me. Will a guy who carries a gun and murders a drunk driver get paroled? It needed either more pages to create a character ala Jack Nicolson in The Crossing Guard or up those stakes so I'm more invested.

Still, the actual writing is great, I just wish there was more meat on the bone.

Very good script. It's not specifically stated, but apparently the orb allows Peregrine to see what Herb would do in the past if he had the chance. But what if determining eligibility for parole was just one of its uses? Couldn't it also be used to determine guilt or innocence of current criminal suspects? This would basically make an orb user judge and jury. Maybe there's a movie in that.

Hi writer,

I'm not sure I completely understand the orb or how it works, as in... couldn't he just make the choice that would set him free?

Well written, has a really good flow to it.

I'm sure this will score well.

All the best.

Nice reversal of my expectations when Herb was forced to relive the past. I'm still not quite sure who did what to who in the original accident or what 'the right choice' is but I understood enough to appreciate this. A fine effort.

Solid. The concept is clear, you don't need to explain what the orb actually does/how it works; it's understandable. Of course, there is always the 'what if'... had he acted differently... but that's not the point here.

Really good one. I dug the tension and a real good use of jumping back and forth in time. Great work.

I had to read it twice to make sure I understood it, but that said I really liked it. Not much to add really.

Good stuff

Solid intro.

Char desc's bland, but not uncommon in shorts.  I do less myself to save space when limited like this challenge.

Good intrigue starting at the river, then into the courtroom alluding to what the device is without telling.

Really good work, here.  Action lines can be improved, and the dialogue of Frank, but other than that, well done.

Does the orb just let me him SEE the past or actually go BACK to the past? If the latter, would making the right choice (for Herb) be to eliminate the witness? Is that what trips him up for parole?

Written well with numerous grammar/punctuation issues (e.g., Herb's not Herbs) but it's a timed challenge. Good work, writer.

Ok, I think I have this, Frank causes Herb's car to crash killing his son. Herb then kills Frank in front of Frank's daughter. The scenario is a parole hearing where Herb is shown his crime.
This confused me a bit but I think I get it now. Not sure how bad a $10 suit looks but I have t-shirts that cost more.
Nicely written once you get the visuals in your head.
Well done.