Lure by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as The Fisherman - Short, Sci Fi - An inventor time travels into the near future and finds himself waist-deep in water and neck-deep in a whole lot of trouble. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Loved this! My only issues are the couple smart ass comments made by the computer/smart watch. I'd stick to dry and emotionless direction. Nice reveal with the screen - good job!

This one was good. I liked the "lures". And the reveal at the end was a nice twist, him travelling waaaaay too far ahead in time. Though, if we're thousands of years later, how has technology not moved further ahead? I know the police car has automatic drive, but you'd think there'd be flying cars and shit.

Also, not sure if I liked the watch/robot voice having that much personality, specifically the sarcastic comments.

Other than, good work.

-- Michael

Hi writer,

Quoted Text An African-American man, DEION (40s) appears out of thin air, and finds himself waist-deep in murky water.

Quoted Text COMPUTER Avoid lures. Follow our/my/or pronoun of your choice directions.

Ticking those boxes.

Quoted Text COMPUTER Congratulations! You have won this week’s heavenly body/star prize!

This comes off quite out of place with regard to the rest of the computers dialogue.

Is there some kind of political messaging with a black guy getting into the back of a cop car?

Nope, not for me.

All the best.

I liked this one.

Clever premise, loved the use of the lures/temptations

Pretty sure we would have advanced more for 20300   

Good entry

Nice work, writer

Humans are gone and machines have presumably taken over - as shown by the watch and car (along with the last line of "we" need to preserve, gives it that larger world feel)

Creepy creatures with inventive lures have also evolved, they were cool - Presumably, this creature can sense what the victim wants and uses that as a lure? I mention this because if humans have been dead for millennia, what has this thing been eating? Then I thought, animals probably still exist so it could probably lure a deer in with the food it wants.

The writing was good, the twist at the end landed well.

Yup, loved this one.

Writer,

Didn’t quite work for me. Seemed like there wasn’t a rhyme or reason for anything going on. Why were there lures? Was a police car to take him away? Many questions, no answers that I can see.

Steve

Logline works well.

Intriguing setup. Like the idea of this watery, fog-shrouded landscape and the random objects/lures. Took me a while to realise the old man was a hologram.

It’s a good way to build tension although something of an uneven tone made me unsure how seriously I should be taking it all.  A lot of world-building for such a short space which leaves inevitable questions but I appreciate the originality.  The kind of idea to come back to perhaps.

Solid writing - nice visuals.

The story was good IMO for three pages - the ending just disconnected for me a bit - I guess I was looking for it to end in the water rather than in a car - seemed a bit unrelated

Good entry overall

An African-American materializes in the distant future, then meanders through a body of water, avoiding the "lures" that are enticing him to pick them up, then a bikini-clad babe appears with the same intent. He avoids all the pitfalls at the direction of his very smart watch, only to end up voluntarily getting into a cop car--something no African-American from 2021 is going to do.

The problem with this script is that Deion doesn't actually do anything and nothing is done to him.

Interesting atmosphere but I wasn't sure what was happening really. I get that the lures would pull you under, but to what? And police cars haven't changed in 20,000 years?? Sorry...I was interested but didn't really understand.

Nice misdirect with the off-center images. It would have been nice to spare a line for the computer to explain (badly) that it was talking through the watch, but an easy oversight in an early draft.

Other than the fact that Deion time traveled with no means of returning, his reactions seem realistic enough. And the twist at the end has the right level of likely consequence to feel like a fitting end of the story.

Great job!

So everything is a Lure, even the cop car? Is that a hologram too? I agree with the others that a black guy getting into the back of a police car is not PC at the moment so I'd alter that and also the tone change of the smartwatch seems off, although I get that the computer is learning to talk to humans again.

I like how far in the distant future things have devolved, a bit like the (original) Planet of the Apes.

Feels rushed at the end, you could do with a couple more pages to give this one more room to breath.

I'm on board with the time travel and the lure setup. Could do with a lot more twists, misdirection. Or like with the bikini girl, could work in some comedy where he's dead-set convinced she's real cuz she's hot even though she's glitching out. I guess this can't be a comedy mix though, it had to be sci-fi/thriller...

I dunno, just needs more tension/uncertainty with increasingly clever traps that test his wits. Anyways, solid work as is. Concept has plenty of potential.

A modern update of HG Wells Time Machine. Well kinda. Juts wondering if humankind hadn't been around for millennia, what maintains the vehicles and updates the wifi?
Decent all round effort.
Well done.